Why Most Men Don’t Want More Children

Why Most Men Don’t Want More Children

Women will frequently write me and tell me that they want more children but their husband do not. I have some ideas why men may not want more children. First of all, many wives put their children above their husbands once they have children. They co-sleep with them even if their husbands don’t want this. The women give all of their time and energy to their children and have little to no time left for their husbands. They forget that they were first created to be their husbands’ help meet.

Secondly, they expect their husbands to help with housework and the children after their husbands get home from a long day at work. They expect their husbands to get up in the middle of the night to change their babies’ diapers. They have a “to do” list waiting for them so children become a burden for the husbands. Their lives are already full of working and trying to make a living for their families, then they come home and have to work more.

Thirdly, the wives don’t discipline their children to make them enjoyable for their husbands to be around them. They don’t teach them to not yell in the house, to not fight with their siblings, and the children don’t obey. The husbands don’t enjoy their children since their wives make little to no effort to discipline and train them while they are home all day with them. Wives are with the children much more than their husbands so most of the discipline and training needs to be done by them.

There are some young mothers that I know whose husbands want a lot of children. These women take joy in their role as wife and mother. Their husbands come first and the wives make sure their husbands’ needs are being met. They honor their husbands’ wishes and try to please them. They don’t expect their husbands to do a lot of the child raising nor help much with housework since they know they are the ones who are called to be keepers at home. When the wives need to go somewhere and ask the husbands to watch the children for a few hours, the husbands don’t mind at all because the children are well-behaved and a joy to be around. The wives who are intentional about training their children have made having more children desirable to their husbands.

Husbands who work hard to provide for their families carry a heavy burden. Yes, being a mother is difficult, too, but a mother at home gets to set her own schedule. She can train her children to help her as they get older. If she doesn’t feel good, she can rest on the couch and watch the children. Her days are full of variety with cleaning, cooking, training, teaching, shopping, going to the park, taking naps, and whatever else she decides to do. Plus, the children grow up and her life gets easier but her husband must bear the responsibility of providing for the family for many more years.

When husbands are the providers and wives are the keepers at home, each one knows their roles and things run along smoother. Life is better for both when they don’t have to bear the burden of the other’s role. Yes, there may be some circumstances when the one needs the other to help in their role (such as during sickness or injury) but other than these, it’s best to find contentment in the role the Lord has given to you and depend upon His strength and His grace to accomplish what He has called you to do.

Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127:5

28 thoughts on “Why Most Men Don’t Want More Children

  1. It’s more mouths to feed and less gratitude from both the ungrateful wife and kids raised to disregard the father in the modern broken home… The father is degraded by feminism ad children learn the feminist lies of “girl power” and not depending on men….

  2. Great post. I think most wives who think staying at home is a chore is because when the children were little they did not train them to work or discipline them. So when they are older it is hard to get them to do work and their behavior is harder to deal with. They are probably doing most of the chores in the home. They are tired and maybe lazy and the home is dirty and unkept They are probably stressed out and expectt more help from their husband . This causes discord in the family. You are right we need to find contentment in our roles as wives that the Lord has given us . I believe this comes from our obedience to the Lord. God Bless and have a wonderful day!

  3. Thank you, Karla. There’s a very good reason that God commands older women to teach young women to love their husbands and children and to be keepers at home! In our “all about me” culture which is driven by entertainment and pleasure, many young women don’t want to live a life of sacrifice and love.

  4. “They forget that they were first created to be their husbands’ help meet.”

    Lori, I think you’ve hit on something very important. Women have forgotten that God made us after the man, for the man, to help the man {I Timothy 2:13; I Corinthians 11:9; Genesis 2:18}. Too many have swallowed whole Satan’s lie that being a helper is demeaning or less than. In actuality, it’s a God-ordained calling and a blessed privilege. When women try to be like men, it only leads to sorrow and misery.

  5. Interesting. I don’t talk to men as often as I do to women, but the neighbor women I talk to seem to be the ones who are “done” with kids. They also like to speak of their husbands as another child–and in my neighborhood, the husbands work full time, whereas most of the wives stay at home. Not a good dynamic all around.

  6. We have three children but my husband didn’t really want anymore. We don’t use birth control, but I am pretty aware of my body and ovulation. I did always figure we’d have an “oops” kid at some point, and frankly so did he, but I am 40 now and it hasn’t happened and my youngest is 9. Anyways, my husband’s big stress is the high cost of living in So Cal and being a provider. If I could go back and change one thing, it would perhaps be to not do the college savings accounts. I think when I pressured my husband about that, and we started putting $650 a month into these accounts, it just became too much, when you consider everything else. And now I am so disgusted with college campuses in general and the high overall cost, I don’t automatically want to send them to college anyway. It is still too early to tell. Anyways I sometimes wonder if college costs are holding people back from a lot of things in life in general. Ironically enough, we have plenty of money now. Back then we didn’t. But we never “moved up” in house so our home is paid off and he makes a lot more now. It would have been fine.

  7. Excellent!

    Best way to love one’s children is to love one’s spouse.

    Putting children ahead of the husband creates entitled children. Wait, that is what our nation is full of!

  8. I think this post is very true in most cases. However, this is not the case with my husband not wanting to have more children. I never asked him to do any of the tasks of caring for our children, because I knew it was my responsibility. There may have been a few times that I may have asked him if he could listen for a napping baby to wake and give it a bottle of I was elbow deep in cooking dinner or something like that. I did have our babies in our room in a crib when they were very young and nursing and I would sleep with them when they were sick. But I know that he was perfectly fine with that. My husband told me that he doesn’t want more children because he does not want to have kids in college when he is 60 years old(we are in our 40’s) so I also believe the age of the husband is also a factor for some.
    I love your posts and look forward to reading them every day.

  9. I grew up in a Christian home, and I entered our marriage dreaming to have many babies and to be a stay at home mom. I wasn’t expecting my husband to do baby-related jobs or home-related jobs. I was expecting him to provide and protect me.

    My husband entered our marriage as a young Christian, but he didn’t know how it is to live in a peaceful Christian home. His parents weren’t Christian and weren’t family-centered. His mom wasn’t happy at home, having serious mental illness too, and she left without giving news when my husband was 15, while his dad was always drunk for being abandoned by his wife.

    I guess all of this made my husband wanting a peaceful and stable home with only one child, but a few months after the birth of our first son, he decided to try for another child, not wanting our first son to be alone while growing up. So we had another son?!

    But that was it, plus I have a birthing issue highly dangerous for my life and the life of any future baby. My husband decided that was really all. We never had more babies, never had a baby girl, and yes, it was really difficult for me to accept that. But I didn’t fight with my husband about that, and I later learned to appreciate the fact that he didn’t want to lost me trough another birthing.

    I often thought about Elkana saying to Hannah: “why weepest thou?… am not I better to thee than ten sons? ” 1 Samuel 1:8. That verse sure brought me peace, and I learned to love and appreciate my husband even more, I am his help meet, I am with him in his big and wild projects, investing in my sons and taking care of our home, while my husband provides and protects me ?!

    So if any of you readers is in the same situation, please don’t be bitter or sad, but be thankful to God and love your husband!

  10. You know, my biggest regret in life is not having more children. I chose to stop at 3 for some stupid reason-probably because that is what was expected of us and my husband was fine with my permanent decision. I found the Pearls book when my kids were young and so they have never been anything but a blessing. I married a wonderful man who would have provided for a dozen children and so sadly the fault is all mine…

  11. When we first married, we agreed that 4 children would be enough for us. After all, I would be the stay at home mom, and he would be the breadwinner. Circumstances decreed however, that we would only have two. My hubby was a very hands on dad, bathing, feeding anything really. It worked really well for us, and know our adult daughter is very close to her dad.

  12. Many of us have the same regrets, Shelley. We have been lied to by society, birth control, and feminism. Unfortunately, most churches don’t even teach the value and blessings of children.

  13. I just happened to be talking to my husband yesterday about this very topic and I hadn’t seen Lori’s post! We have a 7yr old daughter and I would have loved to have more but I am unable to carry another or have a natural birth due to a serious pelvic injury/condition. It could be possible but I would likely be in a wheelchair. My husband wouldn’t risk it but I am very sad about it but I then remember to be grateful for the daughter we have been blessed with prior to my injury. I focus on serving my husband and daughter and loving them as you just said. There are also children without parents that we have sponsored for years and they call me mum! God has his plan. Thank you for encouraging others in a similar situation!:)

  14. Yes Lori, my hubby and I were just talking about how many of our friends and family who are Christians but are choosing to put off having children to pursue wordly things. I had put it off too for selfishness but you don’t know what will happen when you are older and many woman find themselves infertile. I really wish the Church would not encourage this too, it’s really sad.

  15. My husband and I have three children who we both love very much. My husband says I have always made things very easy for him by trying to look after the home and children and let him focus on his work.

    I would very much like another child but my husband is quite set against the idea. He says he wants to have the time to focus on each of our children. I also get very sick during pregnancy and have been hospitalised several times. During these times it has fallen to my husband to look after our small children and house while working full time. Although he isn’t saying so I do believe that these times during my pregnancy were tough on him and that is forming part of his decision.

    I am praying the Lord will open his heart to another baby. In the mean time I am trying my best to accept his decision and be a good help meet for him. Do you have any advice for me regarding my situation?

  16. I would like to put my viewpoint as a man. My wife had a terrible pregnancy with our son. I had to help a lot around the house. I didn’t mind, we were going to have one of the most exciting things ever to happen. Fortunately the birth was fine, and my wife recovered. After the birth of our second child, she developed severe depression. I loved her enough to know that 2 children would be all we would ever have. God has truly blessed us. Would I have liked more children? Yes. But I know that having more would have been very risky.
    God bless,Richard.

  17. Yes, there are other reasons why husbands don’t want more children that I didn’t mention. I only mentioned the ones that the wives had the ability to control and change

  18. Pray, Sarah. Ask the Lord to change your husband’s mind if that is His will. It sounds like you are doing what you are called to do but your husband has some real concerns so rest in the Lord’s will for you.

  19. A lot of this has to do with the sinful anti life culture in which we live. For a Christian couple it should be God and he alone who decides the size of the family.

    No Christian husband should demean his wife by withholding himself or allow her to sin through the practise of contraception.

  20. My husband said we were done after our second child. And he meant it! I never argued with him about it, just prayed. God changed his heart. Nothing I did or ever said. Now we are expecting our 4th child! He’s says we are done after that but now we all just laugh at him because he doesn’t sound very serious at all ?
    God can give your husband an open heart and love for more children too!

  21. Dear Lori and friends,

    When I was growing up, I had one dream– to be a wife and a mommy. Sadly, when I was fourteen years old, I was diagnosed with a cancerous chest tumor that had wrapped it’s way into my heart requiring the replacement of two heart valves. From that point forward, I knew my dream had changed. My doctors, who are experts in their given fields, have told me pregnancy would be a death sentence for both me and my babies. My husband knew this from the very beginning, and after much prayer, we truly believe and saw God close the door on biological children. We have looked at all types of adoption, however, due to my health, we didn’t qualify– even for an older child that needed a home and a family. However, God’s ways are always best! I have several nieces and nephews, and work with the children’s ministry at our church. We support children in any way that we can, and love babysitting! God has places more precious kiddos in our lives than we could have ever produced biologically or via adoption!

    I guess my point is two fold; ladies (and husbands), please don’t take your fertility for granted. The ability to grow precious babies and raise them is truly a gift from God! Second, God’s ways, and His plans are always best, and He truly causes all things to work together for our good (See Romans 8:28).

  22. I made several mistakes in early Motherhood which I regret greatly. I think we might have had more children if I’d done things differently. ?

  23. Richard, I’m so glad you took your wife’s issues her mental health seriously. You’re a good man.

  24. Suzanne, what are your thoughts on limiting children due to medical reasons on both the moms side, for example severe post natal depression, or risks to the baby?

  25. Shelley,
    Same here. I have two grown children and I wished I would have had more too. My husband would of had a dozen if allowed! Lol! But now I am helping my son and daughter in law with their twins and I know I am serving God that way too. Take care.

  26. Thank you for this website, Lori! I found it a few weeks ago and I’ve got a lot of encouragement as well as correction from it so far. I’m from Germany and wish there would be websites like this in German. Your posts are so short and simple, yet to the point and line up with scripture. It feels like a relief to read truths about these important topics, in a time where everything is upside down, even in the churches. I’m considering to share your blog in our moms group at church, but am a bit afraid actually that they’ll tear me apart for promoting such thoughts about women…

    This very post is exactly what I’m thinking about a lot these days. We’ve got four children between 6 and almost 1, and I’d like at least one more, but my husband says he’s done. Now I know that

    I’m making it not as easy for him as I could and should. With god’s help I’m gonna change and see what will happen.

    I also got convinced to sent our soon to be 3 year old not to nursery as planned, and take our 5 year old out to stay at home. I just need to pray for my husband to give me his okay. Homeschooling is no option here in Germany, you literally go to jail if you don’t send your 6 year old to school… But at least we can decide about nursery, even though it is considered very strange not to send your children there at least when they turn 3 for a few hours per day.

    God bless you! Please don’t stop!


  27. I totally agree…and then they get the custody 99% of the time and most of your money if they divorce you…there is absolutely no advantage to a man getting married and having kids…they simply become an atm, and get treated as just a useless, pointless part of life, there to simply pay for everything

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