Are We a Patriarchal Family?
Some have accused me of supporting a patriarchal type system. Patriarch means “the father and ruler of a family; one who governs by paternal right. It is usually applied to the progenitors of the Israelites, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and the sons of Jacob” (1828 Webster Dictionary). Yes, I believe in submission by a wife to her husband, the obedience of children to their parents, and the husband as head over his wife and leader of his family so I do believe in the patriarchal family if it means this.
Unfortunately, some have taken this concept to the extreme to mean that a patriarchal way of living consists of a father who is over the family as long as he lives, even over those children who are adults and married. This isn’t biblical and not supported anywhere in the Bible; for the man is to leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. He then becomes the head over his own family.
Due to the influence of the patriarchal family, I have been asked by women if they should obey their parents because of the verse, Children obey your parents. Do you notice the word “children”? Once a child becomes an adult, they no longer have to obey their parents. Honor, yes, but obey, no.
Michael Pearl wrote a great article about the difference between a true patriarch and a dysfunctional patriarch: “There is a twisted Christian doctrine preached that justifies not cutting the umbilical cord, all in the name of ‘Children, obey your parents.’ It is based on the assumption that one’s offspring remain children, duty-bound before God to always be subject to the chain of command. This doctrine, misnamed The Patriarchal Family, has been around long enough for us to see the fruit, so I have characterized the extremes in this movement as Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families. When you see young adults continuing in the family unit in cloistered confinement, protected from making bad decisions, you are witnessing a PDF, even if they have never heard of the doctrine.”
We have been accused of having this type of dysfunctional patriarchal system but our children would tell you otherwise. Our oldest was out of the home on her own at the age of 18 years old with a Christian ballet company that traveled all over the USA up until the time she was married. Now, she lives under her husband’s leadership, not mine or Ken’s. She’s not answerable or accountable to anyone but the Lord and her husband.
Our second son lived with us while he went to the local community college for a few years but wasn’t accountable to us. We didn’t have to “make rules” or insist he “obeyed” us during this time since he was a hard-working and good, young man. If he were rebellious, we wouldn’t have had him living with us. After this, he went to BIOLA University and graduated with a Biology major. He lived with us after this until he was married a year later. Now, he is head of his family with a wife and three precious children.
Our third son left home right after graduation from a Christian high school, then attended BIOLA for three years, then on to dental school, and finally graduated from orthodontic school. He married right after he graduated and moved with his wife to begin his own career and was blessed with a precious daughter. He is the head of his home, not Ken. Ken would have ZERO desire to try to have any control over his grown children’s lives.
Our youngest daughter attended BIOLA one year but knew she didn’t want us to spend that much money on her going to a Christian college when she only wanted to be a wife and mother. Then she attended the local community college and finished up at the local university while living at home. Ken thought it important for her to have a degree. Shortly afterwards, she met her husband, got married, then a few years later had a baby girl and became a full-time stay-at-home wife and mother. Now, she’s pregnant with her second baby girl but her husband is definitely the head of his household and it’s just the way it’s supposed to be.
We NEVER thought that Ken should be the “Patriarch” of anyone other than his little family while the children were growing up and living under his roof. Once they were eighteen, they were free to do what they wanted with their lives but thankfully, they all chose wisely and walk with Jesus since this is all that matters to both of us.
Choose you this day whom ye will serve; but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
Joshua 24:15
10 thoughts on “Are We a Patriarchal Family?”
That’s an excellent point, Lori. I’ve read some of the patriarchal doctrines you mentioned of a father being still the head of married adult children, or even adult children living on their own. It never seemed right to my husband and I. I sadly know of failed marriages because someone wasn’t able to leave and cleave. Thanks for the biblical explanation.
Thanks, Lori. I am in total agreement with you here. I have seen the dysfunctional patriarch families operate with the grand patriarch trying to control their adult children and their grandchildren. I have also witnessed the bitterness that sets in when family members try to break out of that system to establish their own home.
Another excellent post. I fully agree. And by the way, you have one of the most gorgeous families ever. Every single one of you is simply stunning.
You’re welcome, Lisa. Yes, once a child turns 18 years old or so and becomes an adult, they must be given the freedom to make their own choices and even failures. Our children definitely knew our opinions about things and even came to us for advice until they were married, but now they all run their own homes, thankfully!
It must not be a pretty picture, Holly. I have never known nor seen a family who followed the tyrannical patriarchal family but it sure isn’t something we would have ever wanted any part in.
Thank you, Sheila! We’ve added three more children since this picture was taken and one is on the way so we count our many blessings and believe that children are one of the best since they are the gift that keeps on giving!
Holly, I’m glad you’re able to identify dysfunctional patriarchs. Most people in my experience wish to overlook them in order to “not get involved”. My husband and I endured too many years trying to “negotiate” with his family. There was never an opportunity for me to have a personality clash with them – they hated me on sight. It’s hard to explain, but I hope that makes sense.
The goal is to keep their adult child dependent. In order to do this they must remove the spouse if there is no conformity. Their weapons of choice are lies, slander, and never giving us any breathing room as a young couple. When their attempts failed they gave my husband an ultimatum. If he wanted them to see their only grandchild (at the time), I could not be present; preferably not him either. They demanded to have our son ALONE. Right away my husband ended the relationship. After some time, a few extended family members came forward with stories of abuse my husband suffered as a child – a lot my husband either forgot since he was too young or programmed to think was love. I just wish they were brave enough to come forward long before. I only had a constant unsettled feeling to go by, while wondering if I were over reacting.
You have it right about the bitterness that sets in when we broke free, but we choose the joy of the Lord as our strength so we are not bitter. I’ve read the failure rate for marriages enduring families like this are extremely high and it is ONLY by God’s grace, mercy and love that our marriage overcame what should have been a disaster.
There is a huge difference between the patriarchs. A true patriarch always loves, but teaches, guides and protects until his job is done. The dysfunctional patriarch wants nothing but control to meet his selfish needs believing his adult children owe him for all he did to raise them.
Oh, I love how you clearly differentiated between a true patriarch and a dysfunctional one, Holly. Ken only wants the best for his children, so as they were growing he was consistently teaching, guiding, and protecting them. We have a wonderful relationship with all of them to this day, praise the Lord!
You have such a beautiful family! Reminds me of my family. I totally agree with you with this article.
You have a very beautiful family. Congratulations!