Confessing Adultery Committed Long Ago

Confessing Adultery Committed Long Ago

“If our attempt to make restitution causes more hurt than help, it can be the selfish therapy of unbelief that makes our actions more important than God’s. When God has forgiven us, the what is crucial has been done. This is especially true in the area of sexual sins where some women feel constrained to confess all when the end result is only further hurt, not healing. God’s forgiveness is enough in instances like these. And if no one else is involved in our wrongdoing, then the one to tell is God, not the whole world.” (By Gladys Hunt in her book “Ms. Means Myself”*)

To a large extent I agree with her. There are some women and men who have confessed to their spouses of an affair 20-30 years ago which has caused great sorrow for the one confessed to. It has only caused pain and mourning for them. It did nothing good for them but to hurt them. This would be especially true of sexual sins before marriage. If you did not confess them when engaged, consider if God wants you to burden your spouse with these sins years into your marriage.

If you have committed adultery long ago and your husband doesn’t know about it, I encourage you to prayerfully consider if your telling him will be helpful or hurtful to him and your relationship. Yes, you will always live with this regret, but regret is a consequence of sin. If you confess to your husband, you are putting the burden of the adultery on him.

The Bible tells us this: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16). The purpose of confessing one’s sin to another is to bring that sin into the light, be prayed over, and held accountable. It’s wanting to rid one’s life of that sin. If one had committed adultery many years ago, the confession to another doesn’t help since the sin is no longer being practiced and may only cause a lot of harm and grief to the one who was wronged.

If you are presently committing adultery, get out now!!! Confession of current or recent adultery indeed is demanded of you by the Lord. Seek wise counseling on the matter. A strong relationship can withstand the awful sins of adultery, but most relationships do not.

Some will say there should be no secrets among spouses. As a rule, this is true, but some secrets of a long ago past that have been washed clean by the blood of the Lamb need to stay between you and the Lord. Only you, with the Lord’s help, can determine after living with a spouse many years without confession if in your later years, exposing the secrets that will cause more harm than good. It often causes more harm.

This same principle applies to a husband’s lust and sharing it with his spouse every time he lusted. If the wife is strong enough to be his accountability partner and is not grieved or angry after each confession, then this can perhaps be a good thing that can help the marriage grow stronger as they unite together to fight against the modern commonplace of porn. But if the spouse is not able to effectively process and deal with a husband’s confession of his sins, she should ask him to seek accountability from another.

A Christian marriage is ideally a place of safety where two lovers accept each other fully and completely for who they are: quirks, sins, and all. The biblical idea of “to know” one’s spouse should not be just with intimacy and sex but to know all about them and to choose to love them unconditionally just as God loves us. This is the ideal for all Christian relationships, to be like Christ, and abounding in grace one for another, even as accountability and discipline may be required.

It is up to each spouse to know whether their confession of sins will help or harm the relationship, especially if it will permanently destroy it. We need to become much more like Jesus in calling out sin wherever it exists, especially in our own lives, while giving grace upon grace to our spouse. But we must also be wise as to how we share our lives and secrets knowing that some are not mature enough yet in Christ to be able to truly forgive and forget.

The Christian life is a walk in the Spirit. On these vital matters of life and the sharing of our secrets, let us be wise with the wisdom that only God can give. There is no formula for sharing secrets long held from our past. It can be truly freeing to do so with a spouse, and when grace upon grace comes in to meet the horrors of the sin, the relationship can become as strong as glue. But if you are married to a man who cannot deal with your past and it was a long time ago, I do not believe God wants us to just throw out our secrets if it will shatter them without hope of reconciliation, or if it brings no good out it except perhaps assuaging your guilt. Take that to the cross until the right time comes to share and know that that time may never come.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore, as many as be perfect, be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.
Philippians 3:13-15

*I enjoyed most of her book immensely except for chapter two where she waters down women being silent in the churches and she claims that women can indeed be leaders/teachers in the churches. I am not sure why so many of the female Bible teachers/writers believe this when it’s clearly against God’s Word.

** The reason I wrote this is because I know two elderly women (one has passed on) who both had affairs while married many years before (more than 40 years ago). One confessed to her husband and children on her death bed which has caused so much grief for them. If it were to be confessed, it should have been confessed years ago, not on her death bed so they would have time to process it earlier and share many more good times with her. It’s a painful last memory of her, and they wish they hadn’t been told. The other one never told her husband who is now dead and none of her children know. She still grieves over it but her children don’t since they don’t know.

45 thoughts on “Confessing Adultery Committed Long Ago

  1. Yeah I would want to know everything before marriage because I don’t want any surprises in marriage. To find something out during our marriage would be worse for me to handle. As christians we are called to be forgiving so I would forgive always but there shouldn’t be any secrets.

    1. I agree. I did find some things out about my husband that took place before he and I. He told me 11 years after we became a couple. It sort of changes things even though it didnt take place within the relationship or marriage (and much of it did take place during our marriage). But on the flip side, it made me realize he is truly broken and so far away from God. I cannot fathom anyone who is close to God behaving in such a way. It’s still a work in progress. He frustrates me as he has more questions and doubt than faith in God.

    2. Surprises?! That would be downright deceit to keep secrets such as adultery/porn use/promiscuity when contemplating a possible marriage partner. While we are called to forgive, people are not free from the consequences and results of their actions. If that means losing a potential spouse they were courting when revealing a past sin, that is simply the consequence of their previous short coming. God promises forgiveness to the repentant but does not promise freedom from the consequences of their actions.

  2. “Some will say there should be no secrets among spouses. As a rule, this is true..”
    .
    Oh that is a very strong relationship in my opinion.When both know everything about each other,there exists a vulnerability and it is a sign that you both can and will share everything with each other.Like living in each other’s pockets.
    I would love to have such a partner.
    .
    .
    “But if you are married to a man who cannot deal with your past and it was a long time ago, I do not believe God wants us to just throw out our secrets if it will shatter them without hope of reconciliation, or if it brings no good out it except perhaps assuaging your guilt.”
    .
    As a 20 year old man,this sounds very disturbing.The thought of the love of my life,cheated on me even though some decades ago plus was with me and never even hinted it,imagine what a heartbreaking situation it will be to come to know.But then,I do not want to die in denial at all.It feels cheated and robbed to atleast not know this happened.
    .
    .
    “The reason I wrote this is because I know two elderly women (one has passed on) who both had affairs while married many years before (more than 40 years ago). One confessed to her husband and children on her death bed which has caused so much grief for them. If it were to be confessed, it should have been confessed years ago, not on her death bed so they would have time to process it earlier and share many more good times with her. It’s a painful last memory of her, and they wish they hadn’t been told. ”
    .
    I am glad Mrs.Lori that she confessed it.
    They should know about it.
    Just imagine this from a man’s perspective… loving your wife all these years,being faithful always and not even look at other women,put her needs and the children’s needs first before yours where you can go to sleep empty stomach but as the man of the house their stomachs will be filled first,going out all your life and dealing with all this cr*p of the world just to get that paycheck at the end of the month and see your wife smile.
    I am missing much more.
    But that is not the point…the point is doing ALL this and then learning that she cheated.I would literally be traumatised if I were in his place.I hope and pray to God that this doesn’t happen with me and he blesses my marriage with a chaste and godly woman.

    Sorry for bad language in the middle part.Thank You.

    1. I am NOT a fan of death bed confessions. They cause too much harm, IMO. And there are a multitude of opinions on this topic. We discussed it in the chat room a few years ago and half thought she should have confessed and the other half thought she should not. It takes a lot of prayer and wisdom. The best thing is to live without regrets and NOT commit adultery in the first place: long-term pain for short-term gain.

      1. Sorry for the late reply.
        .
        Yes,of course,being chaste before marriage and then being faithful to one’s spouse after marriage is the best.
        But there are some filthy people out there who even have the nerve to say that ” I wish I had more experience before him” and regrets of being tied with just one man.
        In these modern times people have stooped so low that there are literally sites and app for extra-marital affairs.They literally write it there,in their description.
        God’s ways are the ultimate best.
        The more people drift away from Him,the more degenerate this world is becoming.

  3. Would the same thing go for sexual abuse victims? I told my boyfriend I was molested as a child; but in order to protect certian family members identity, I did not tell him exactly who did it. Both family members who harmed me repented, and I’m not sure its helpful for him to know exactly who it was. What do you think, Lori? I would appreciate any help.

      1. Do you think she ought to consider telling who the family members were if Roseanne and her boyfriend get married and have children? I definitely think sins should be kept in the past but this one issue has me questioning things. I wouldn’t want her and her husband staying with the family members (let’s pretend it is the future child’s grandfather). She and her mother go off to the store and her husband runs out for a quick errand without thinking of telling her that he is leaving the child with the grandfather for a few minutes.

        But I am not conflicted in keeping mum if there is no child involved and especially at the stage of not being married.

      2. You need to reveal the names IF and WHEN you have children, and then it’s only necessary if those children are going to be in the presence of these individuals. The father of the children needs this information in order to protect his children. Otherwise, he won’t know. In this case, you are being a help meet towards him; you are alerting him to something he needs to know to exercise his role as protector of his family.

    1. My thoughts are the same as M.
      It depends on whether or not that person will ever become in contact with any future children.
      Repentance or not, pedophilia is a type of mental illness and the temptation will always be there. Under no circumstances, would I (or my husband) allow our children to be around someone who had molested a child long ago. We know that statistically, 90% of child molesters are known to the child and are trusted by them.

      If I kept the identity of a child molester secret from my husband because he had repented, and he then went on to molest my children, my husband would never forgive me. And I would never forgive myself. Plus, I would be almost as responsible for the sin as the perpetrator.

      If the child molester is ever going to be around your children, your boyfriend needs to know, because God has charged him with keeping your future children safe. He doesn’t need to know yet, though.

    2. This is just my opinion (but I’m also hard core about protecting children from sexual abuse and punishing sexual abusers if we really want to #SaveTheChildren) but I think you should tell him. I don’t see why a sexual abuser needs protection. Children are the ones who need protection from this person and I would want my husband to have this knowledge when making decisions that involve me and any children we may have. Sexual abuse can be forgiven, but that doesn’t mean such people should be allowed near children again. Forgiveness and repentance does not mean this person is incapable of sinning like that again, if anything, it would be keeping this person accountable and lovingly helping them by not having them around children if that is his temptation. When people “quietly” deal with sexual abuse in such ways where authorities are never involved and all they had was a talk with their pastor, there is nothing and no one else keeping this person accountable when/if they are near children again.

  4. With my late wife, I knew about 1 adultery by her when she was alive.
    The night before she died she was in a delirium and was talking to people she was seeing in her delirium so it wasn’t the “normal death bed confession”
    While I was ministering to her needs in bed (blankets, food, water, etc) she was “talking” to the guy she committed adultery with.

    I learned it wasn’t just 1 guy, 1 time.
    I learned that while I was at work in a -20F food freezer, freezing my toes and fingers to earn a paycheck to provide for her, she was at home having a multi month adultery in MY BED.
    She also talked enough about other guys in her delirium that I have been able to piece together that during my marriage to her, she had at least 5-6 adulteries.
    Every guy was getting sex, but none for me.
    I also have enough pieces that I can conclude that EVERYTHING she ever told me about herself was a lie.

    That is a pain that I never want to experience again.
    But I had asked God for months to reveal the truth to me, no matter how painful the truth was.
    I sure got an earful of truth that night.
    The doctor was getting ready to send us home when she died in less than 5 seconds in front of our eyes.

    What a woman has done BEFORE she committed to me, I do not want to know. But don’t make up lies about her past.
    That is before me.
    That is between her and God.
    What a wife does AFTER, then that IS my business.
    I would now require an STD test from an adulterous wife.
    I would also require a lie detector test to see if it was “just 1 time, 1 guy, many years ago”……..

    1. I second the STF testing. Especially after any spouse or potential spouse reveals they have been sexually with another person and to hold off on sex until you see the results. You don’t want to catch something that could impact the rest of your life because of something another person did.

  5. Lies are not always spoken.

    “When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.”

    ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

    Make peace with those who have placed trust in you. When the chickens come home to roost it can invalidate decades of trust and commitment.

  6. I am a fan of knowing the truth.
    When the truth of an infidelity is withheld it’s like the couple lives in two different worlds. Their worlds can never completely mesh because the secrets don’t allow it. One is always hiding and one is always trying to search for true intimacy with the other, yet can never find it. It is a painful situation to live out. Both are robbed of true intimacy and the relationship will never be strong. How can it be?

    While I don’t understand the pain of being the one who committed the sexual sin I do understand what it’s like to be the one who has been betrayed. Your life is always off. It doesn’t make sense. It’s like you are constantly trying to put the puzzle that is your life together and you get close at times, but then you find you’re missing pieces and you have to start over again. You question your own sanity at times. It is truly crazy making. To withhold the truth that could help your spouse make sense of their life is cruel. Often people think, what they don’t know can’t hurt them, but women know. We just know something is off and we try so hard to figure it out to help fix it. It is very damaging.

    With a lot of hard work on the part of both spouses infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage.

    My heart breaks for the elderly ladies in this post. What a heavy burden to carry all your life. My heart also breaks for their families because this has affected them as well even if they don’t know the truth.

  7. I agree with the sentiment of this post wholeheartedly. While I understand it may be hard to live with a guilty conscience and very tempting to just tell your husband/wife about adultery, for example, or previous relationship, if that knowledge will only hurt them and won’t do any good … well, then I would argue it is rather selfish to just tell them that because you feel bad. The main thing is that you get God’s forgiveness and that you don’t make those same mistakes again.

  8. The problem without confessing the adultery is that the wife is continuing to sin against her husband. She needs to confess to him, not just God. It will eat her alive with guilt. No matter how much she tries, she can’t truly love her husband or be healed without confession.

    It shouldn’t be a death bed confession, but every day she goes without confessing, she is still covering up her sin and lying to her husband.

    And likely treating him badly and denying him intimacy and stopping them from being one.

    Please, reconsider your advice. Adultery needs to confessed. Without confession, the wife isn’t compounding the adultery with disrespecting her husband and dishonoring their marriage.

    It will be painful, but pain is part of the healing and repentance process. The husband may not be able to continue in marriage, but that is his choice.

    1. Do you have any scripture to back up that adultry needs to he confessed to a spouse?

      I’m not arguing, but I’m just wondering if there is any verse that makes this true

      1. Adultery is a sin against the spouse as much as God. It is much more significant than fornication, which is just a sin against God. It attacks the marriage and the spouse.

        Adultery is violating the sacrament of marriage. It is violating the oaths to the spouse as well as God.

        Not confessing to one’s spouse is like robbing one’s family member in secret and then repenting of it to God but never confessing to the family member and never trying to repair the harm. As such, there is no real repentance without confessing. Every day that goes by without confession to the innocent spouse is compounding the sin.

        As to the special need for a wife to confess: if you believe that as set forth by Paul that wives are to submit to their husband and his authority, how is it possible for a wife to submit if she has betrayed her husband and not confessed it to him? There is no greater rejection of the husband’s headship than his wife cuckolding him.

  9. “There are some women and men who have confessed to their spouses of an affair 20-30 years ago which has caused great sorrow for the one confessed to. It has only caused pain and mourning for them. It did nothing good for them but to hurt them. This would be especially true of sexual sins before marriage. If you did not confess them when engaged, consider if God wants you to burden your spouse with these sins years into your marriage.”

    This can be taken as, “Don’t confess at all. Just keep quiet during pre-marriage and marriage itself, and then use what Lori said as grounds for a defense if my spouse ever finds out during marriage.”

    “If one had committed adultery many years ago, the confession to another doesn’t help since the sin is no longer being practiced and may only cause a lot of harm and grief to the one who was wronged.

    &

    As a rule, this is true, but some secrets of a long ago past that have been washed clean by the blood of the Lamb need to stay between you and the Lord. Only you, with the Lord’s help, can determine after living with a spouse many years without confession if in your later years, exposing the secrets that will cause more harm than good. It often causes more harm.”

    Not if that affair resulted in a child that’s not their spouse’s. Some are obvious from birth, but many don’t recognize the difference until years afterward. If the spouse and child figure it out, and eventually one will, then the harm is much worse. Everything about the marriage is now held in suspicion of being deceitful through silence, regardless of the length of time.

    Aside from the deathbed confessions and confessing a current affair, I don’t agree with the post.

    1. I don’t agree with this either. I found out my husband had comitted adultery at my gynecologist visit when I tested positive for HPV. I had been tested for that previously as a routine pap smear (doctor’s never really believe you when you’re in your 20s and say you’re monogamous married) and was always negative. Then one visit I was suddenly positive. Well the only man I had ever been with was my husband. So I (and the doctor) put 2 and 2 together, confronted, and confirmed the adultery.

      Ladies, if your spouse is currently cheating or has cheated, I highly suggest not having relations with them until they cleared an STD/STI panel. Unfortunately HPV cannot be tested on men but for all you know you could be saving yourself from something else.

  10. 4 years ago my wife had a three month long affair with a co worker. She did not tell me for three years until one night after a convicting church service. My initial reaction was to divorce her, but we have three small children. The Holy Spirit helped me keep it all together that night, and we are still together today, almost a year later. BUT the relationship will never be the same. I worshiped the ground my wife walked upon, and did everything I could to make her happy, and got slapped so hard with the reality of HER sin, and feel I can never trust her again. I wish she had never told me. She may feel better, but I feel like a pile of dog manure and my heart feels like a broken glass jar glued back together after being dropped and broken. Just waiting for another crash, knowing I could never forgive her again. So please ladies, keep your affair a secret, and spare your husband the eternal heart ache. Confession does not make the sin go away, it just makes your husband an unwilling partner in your affair.

    1. Many men here always comment on women’s comments who’s husbands had affairs with “well, what part did you play in this?” So I think that maybe the proper response. Contemplate on how YOU can best work on YOURSELF to make the marriage better.

    2. Hi David,
      I’m sorry for the pain you are in. I would like to offer you hope that healing for you can occur.

      Have you looked into any counseling for yourself?
      Maybe check out http://www.affairrecovery.com. They have a lot of information available for free and some paid help as well. They have a wonderful YouTube channel.

    3. My husband disagrees about keeping it secret. He has told me repeatedly that if I was to ever cheat on him, he would want to know. He may not be able to forgive me (he’s honest about that, too) but he says keeping it a secret would be a double betrayal.
      I will never, ever cheat on him. It’s just not who I am. We’re either cheaters or we’re not (my mother had multiple affairs – it all comes out in the wash).
      Your spouse WILL find out eventually, one way or another. By far the kindest thing to do is be upfront straight away.

      1. “(my mother had multiple affairs – it all comes out in the wash).
        Your spouse WILL find out eventually, one way or another.”

        I have found out that is very true……
        Most of the time because they were caught.
        Few times because they confess.

  11. I remember when I was in my teens, my mom told my me that she had been previously married before she met my dad. I was very angry at her for a long time. Not because of the fact that she had been married before, but because she had waited so long to tell me. I have forgiven her now by God’s grace but it still hurts to know that my father was not the only one. Please if anyone has had a failed marriage tell your children about it early on in life or don’t tell them at all. I think I would have been in less pain if I had known at a young age what had happened.

    BTW just for the record my mother is a very godly woman and she and my dad have had many many happy years together 🥰! She stayed faithful to the previous man up until the day he divorced her. I remember her telling me that she had made up her mind that she would stay miserable the rest of her life if need be to keep that marriage together. She is definitely a woman to look up to.

    1. Any other advice regarding this topic? (Should a woman tell her young kids about her previous marriage that she was faithful to, but ended in divorce due to his affairs?)

  12. Lori, what if the betrayed spouse had always wondered and worried? The confession may allow her some peace of mind, and even bring her closer to her spouse.

    I know women who suspect but have no proof. They keep themselves aloof from their husbands as a result. A confession from their husbands would be a healing thing to them.

  13. I realize my post may seem out of place but the depth of harm and torment to each person in a marriage where there is hidden adultery makes me think of the adultery ‘propaganda like The Bridges of Madison County. I can’t watch that kind of film. It makes me livid. It promulgates seductive lies that surely lead some astray. May God help us stand firm against so much disinformation from films and professionals who deny the lasting pain adultery causes.

  14. She hid cheating until she had nothing to loose and could inflict the most damage. Typical abusive personality. While im not a fan of death bed confessions its because only snakes have the courage to say something as they walk out of the room and shut the door.

    As for repentance they dont want to tell their husbands for 40 years because they may lose security not because of some godly reason. There is not a i love my husband so much i have to hide this adultery reality. Its a i dont want to hear about his new younger wife while i stare down the inevitable so i would rather get everything i can or want from him. It is always a spouses business if there was cheating. Not he might not b mature enough to handle it exception. Which is less mature being upset about cheating or having sex with someone besides your spouse?

    When your mother inlaw dies there is not some debate weather your wife is mature enough to know. Maybe its not beneficial? I dont want to listen to this crying. Well his marriage was over 40years ago and he had a right to know he was wasting his time.

  15. You are spot on about this. No good will come of confessing something that has been done and was over with years ago. We all know that our spouse could cheat on us but we have to trust that he/she will not cheat. Once cheating is confessed to, trust is destroyed and the offended party will not be able to forget it. Maybe forgive it, but not forget. Confession may be good for the soul, but it is destructive to the relationship.

  16. This is a really interesting question. I agree that hiding the sin and never bringing it up would make life a lot easier. Waiting until your deathbed and confessing it then is also a pretty evil thing to do: it inflicts maximum pain on everyone else while making sure you escape before any of that pain falls on you.

    But there is another side to this. In Luke 12:1-2 Jesus talked to His disciples about the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. They pretended to be good but were actually depraved. In that context, when talking about hidden sin, Jesus told His disciples “there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed”. That means our sin will not be hidden forever. If you have committed adultery, your spouse is going to find out. The only question is whether it will be in this life or the next. When do you want to hurt him: now, or when you are judged?

    Paul warned us in 2 Corinthians 5:10 that we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ to be judged for what we have done, “whether it be good or bad”. In Revelation 20:12 we are told there are two sets of books in Heaven: a set of books that records all our deeds (good and bad), and the famous Book of Life. Both sets of books are opened when you are judged. If we are saved by Jesus then we will certainly not be cast into Hell, but we are still held accountable. Not everyone will be told that they were a good and faithful servant.

    On the one hand, you can spend your entire life lying about your faithfulness and hiding your sin. You can reject Matthew 5:23-24 and live a lie that will make your life easier. Then your sin will be revealed to everyone in the next life, and people will discover that you did absolutely nothing to make things right when you had the chance to do so. Part of repentance is seeking forgiveness from the person you wronged, and you refused to do that. Your eternal legacy will be that you chose to live in unrepentant sin forever because that made your life easier and kept the trust of the person you wronged. (You really can’t claim that you repented if you never did anything to make things right with the spouse that you cheated on. If you steal money from a bank and they never noticed, you still wronged the bank; genuine repentance means confessing and paying the bank back. I don’t think God is impressed by a repentance that involves you keeping the money.)

    Or, your legacy could be that you confessed your sin and sought forgiveness, knowing the terrible cost it would bring to your relationships. It’s your choice.

    I find it hard to believe that when the day of judgment comes and you see Jesus face to face, He will agree the best thing to do was hide your sin, never confess it, and never make things right with the person you wronged. If God truly thought that way then the Bible would say things like “Only confess your sins if you get caught and there’s no plausible way to hide it, because that makes life better for everyone.” But I don’t think it says that. Instead Jesus told us twice to “bring forth fruits worthy of repentance” (Matthew 3:8, Luke 3:8).

  17. I completely agree with this article as I saw for myself the great harm confessing years later can do.
    My parents came to Christ at different times after thirty years of marriage and two years before my beloved Dad died of cancer he confessed two affairs he had in the early years of their marriage to a Christian family friend, who then advised Dad to tell my Mum. It ruined the time they had left together and left my Mum with the terrible burden of wanting to forgive quickly before he died but struggling to do so; it tore her apart and I was stuck in the middle trying to support them both.
    It was horrible for them and as Dad had made his confessions to the Lord and our friend (who had been a pastor) I truly believe that’s where it should have ended. God forgave him, end of.
    My Mum died of cancer three years after Dad and was still desperately trying to comes to terms with things.
    They actually had a very happy marriage and Dad had chosen to end his affairs because he realised how much he loved my Mum and could never stay with anyone else.

  18. I’m having a hard time understanding this reasoning Lori. Yes, it would hurt the offended spouse to know Of the sin. However, adultery is one of two biblical justifications for divorce. By not confessing the adultery, the offending spouse is escaping the potential natural and biblically justified consequences of their sin. Yes, you always want to strive for reconciliation even in the case of adultery, but how can you have true reconciliation without confession of sin? How is it somehow better to live in a deceitful marriage for years in order to avoid hurting the spouse? By telling the spouse of the sin, they have the option of deciding to stay in the marriage or not (and if they chose to leave they would be justified according to scripture).

  19. Once and man and woman are married, they become one. From that point on, or from the point of being exclusive in my opinion, there should be no secrets and especially none of this nature. IF someone chooses not to tell their spouse of infidelity then they are doing so out of purely selfish reasons. Period. I do agree that these sorts of secrets should not be shared on one’s death bed, that is purely a selfish and cowardly thing to do that someone only does if they are on their way out to avoid the aftermath. If you wait that long, just wait until judgment day when you will not only be judged for cheating, but also for lying to your spouse for X amount of years and living a lie and also allowing your spouse to live a lie. In Matthew 5 it says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed adultery with her (or him) in their heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

  20. Lori, you are usually straightforward on scriptural matters but on this one, you clearly equivocated. For example, what’s considered “recent” and what’s considered a “long time ago” for the purposes of confession? I agree the potential damage to a relationship may get much worse with time, but a spouse has a right to know. What if the spouse suspects something and asks what was going on? By refusing to tell the truth, the adultery is compounded by lies! Plus, marriage is a covenant, a contract between two people. If one has violated the terms of the contract, the offended party has a moral right to know. Again, anything else adds deception/lying to the adultery. Plus, there is great risk involved in lying. What if children result? What if someone else reveals the truth? What if disease is spread that affects the spouse’s health? No. God is not a Lord of lies, and keeping something this big from a spouse is deceptive and dishonest.

    The only caveat I make is if the spouse clearly doesn’t want to know. Most couples discuss faithfulness. Some people really don’t want to know and have told their spouse that their sexual history doesn’t matter and is in the past. If, however, a spouse asks, one must be honest, right?

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