Everything is the Husband’s Fault

Everything is the Husband’s Fault


On Saturday, I was sick so I watched a Christmas movie on a Christian channel. It was about three couples and two single men getting stuck in a snowstorm and having to stay in an run-down old chapel. One of the couples was just married and on their honeymoon but she was continually upset with her husband because he wouldn’t listen to and obey her suggestions. One time, she stomped away and he looked at the man next to him whose been married for 15 years but is separated from his wife because she thinks he spends too much time at work, thus neglecting the family.

The young guy looks over to the older man after he watched his wife stomp away and asked, “How am I going to get through this? We’re arguing more in our first three days of marriage than we ever did before?” The older man replied, “I’m the wrong one to ask but whatever dumb thing you say, and there will be plenty, just say you’re sorry and learn not to push her buttons.”

I watch Hallmark movies. In every single movie, the woman is mad at the man for a time. I can’t recall when the couple separated because the man was mad at the woman. What’s up with this? I was the same way for the first many years of my marriage. Everything was Ken’s fault. I would get upset, and I would pout until he came and told me he was sorry. It’s SO ugly! He would try as hard as he could to not push my buttons but there were so many of them that he felt at a loss what to do, so he would come and say he was sorry, just like the older man told the younger man to do.

This Christian movie ended, however, with an older, godly women coming to this old chapel and giving all the women wise counsel. “No, you shouldn’t be arguing with your husbands. They are the leader so they are the ones who get to decide what to do. Also, sometimes husbands will neglect their families to provide for them. It takes a lot of work for many men to make ends meet. This is how they show their families that they love them. It’s a heavy burden they have to carry their entire lives. Many women today chose to work but men don’t get that choice. Respect him for who he is and what he does for your family. Love him and accept him just the way that he is for you are his wife and not his mother.

We are called to seek peace with all men (Romans 12:18) and this includes with your husbands. Being angry with him doesn’t work the righteousness of God (James 1:20). Stop wasting precious time being angry and instead, enjoy him and don’t get upset about so many things. It is almost never worth it and tears your home down. Build it up instead by building up your husband and chose this day to not argue or be mad at him. You will be glad you did!” 

As you can imagine, I was thrilled and had to stop it frequently to get all of these wise words from this older, godly woman down on paper so I could share with you. NOT. Nope, there was no godly, older woman who showed up and said all these things to these women. The men were wrong and the women were right and once the men figured this out, they lived happily ever after. Blech. I cannot believe how almost all movies make the men wrong and the women right. Probably because they have female writers writing these things or if men are writing them, it’s been their experience.

If you are continually mad at your husband, stop. Tell him you are sorry and you aren’t going to do this anymore. Yes, we are the more emotional and sensitive ones but that doesn’t mean we should be lead by our feelings. Live by the Word of God and at peace with your husband. Enjoy the short time you have on this earth together.

The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome,
but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged.

2 Timothy 2:24

21 thoughts on “Everything is the Husband’s Fault

  1. Where was this post when we needed it 30 years ago! I remember being talked to in premarital counseling that it was the husband’s responsibility to lead, so this meant I had the primary responsibility for keeping the marriage on track. How do you best keep a marriage on track… you please her and apologize often.

    In our toughest days of arguing and upsets I sought out the counsel of my pastor and another pastor and their simple words put me right back on this track of doing everything I could to “please my wife.” “No matter how difficult your wife and marriage is Ken, your job is to “love your wife as Christ loves the church and gave His life for her.”

    The merry-go-round of trying to please a difficult wife who cannot be happy with you is an endless exercise until a Christian husband understands that Christ’s love is not to please the Church, but the Church was built to please Christ. Christ sacrifices and serves, he seeks the best for His church, but he does not spend his day trying to please the Church and meet all of the Church’s emotional baggage.

    The only way that a Biblical marriage works the way God intends it to work if a husband loves and serves his wife while his wife seeks to “please her husband in everything” and be a help meet to him as God has ordained from the beginning. It is as she surrenders her emotional stubborn will to the man she says she loves and trusts the most in this whole world that she finds the peace and joy and connection with her husband that she longs for.

    This approach is not psychology or marriage counseling… this is God’s design for a one-flesh marriage with a husband at the head of the marriage. This works, but more so, it’s God’s will and command.

  2. My favorite line is, “Many women today choose to work, but men don’t get that choice.” Wow! That really struck me! Sometimes I feel like men have it “easy”, but they HAVE to provide for their families. (1 Tim. 5:8) That is not an easy task in today’s society! Thank you for this reminder for me to be patient when my husband works long hours!

  3. Amen too! Marriage is so much happier and fulfilling doing it God’s way than ours. Of course it would be this way. Nobody’s ways can outdo the Creator’s plans for us.

  4. Women forget this. They think they’re being neglected so some women even divorce their husbands over this. I know women who would love it if their husbands worked hard to provide for them!

  5. Amen, Ken, and as a man OR a woman, each of us must cultivate a LOVE for God’s principles and His precepts.

    Lori, we watched this movie the other night too. As I read your post, I thought, Hmm. Did I walk out of the room during that part where the godly aged Titus 2 woman speaks into the lives of those ladies… Um. It had me shaking my head, too! When we watch these {sometimes stupid} Hallmarks, Dave can hear me saying, “No, that’s not right,” or, “Why do they always make the man look so foolish?”

    Goooooooood counsel today!

    Merry Christmas,

    P.S. One of my favorites is “Christmas Wish” with Debbie Reynolds.

  6. Stephanie,

    I was a fairly newlywed bride when I heard my pastor’s wife say that more than 30 years ago and I’ve not forgotten it. A good man is driven to provide, care for and secure his family in so many ways. You’re a wise wife to respond patiently when your good husband works long hours. Feed your children’s brains and hearts with verbal gratitude and appreciation for your husband. You will never have to repent of or regret doing so.

    Merry Christmas, Stephanie.

  7. That’s so funny! It was a good movie except for that. I was so hoping the truth would be spoken into the wives’ lives but I guess that is just a fantasy of mine for TV.

    Thank you, Kelley. It was fun to write! 🙂

  8. 1 Corinthians 7:32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.

    It’s not unbiblical to want to please your wife and it’s not unbiblical for a wife to want to please her husband. It’s part of being married. I’m sure you are concerned with pleasing her!

  9. I watch hallmark movies too because at the very least they’re wholesome and decent, unlike so many of the other movies out there. I guess all we can do is live according to the Word and hope the movies catch up in time.

  10. Yes Ruth!

    I do not believe that one can have a true marriage, especially one as God intends us to have, without both spouses trying to please each other.

    The differentiation I was trying to make is that God never commands a husband to “please his wife in everything,” but a wife is told to “submit to (please) her own husband in everything” (Eph. 5:24). I do not believe that in many marriages a husbnad can please his wife in everything because she is not pleased with herself. Her expectations and emotions too often rule her, and in these marriages, a husband should not be trying to chase down her changing desires, even as he tries to please her on the basics of the marriage.

    In my marriage I have maybe 5-6 things that I feel I need for Lori to please me with, and Lori had a list of 30+. My list was very easy, objective and doable, and her list much more complicated. It was to her own benefit and emotional and mental well-being when she gave up trying to have me please her in everythng and took on the God-ordained task of trying to please me in everything. We are both now quite pleased with each other… or should I say thrilled with each other even as from time to time I find no frozen bananas for my shake, or my favorite salad dressing. Yes, those are two of my 5-6 items necessary to please me :). Men can be so easy to please and women so difficult at times.

    I end with this perfect illustration from today. One of the guys I coach texted me today to explain he is in the doghouse, again. He asked his wife out last night for tonight and she said NO. So he asked his daughter to go out with him and she said yes. Now his wife is mad at him for some reason because he did not take her out tonight. Humm… sounds like the plot to a good Hallmark movie. That’s why we like those movies so much because they are so true to life!

  11. Yes Taylor. At least you know you won’t get all the junk on TV with Hallmark and their commercials. I sure hope more real family programming will come out and be successful as we may need to do with the tv what we do with the radio where we listen to just “The Message,” and forget the other stations. Sirius satellite radio has a very limited plan for $4.99 a month and it has our favorite Christian radio station on it… The Message.

  12. Ken,
    thank you for your reply.
    I guess some women’s lists are longer and some men’s lists are longer. Both my husband and myself don’t have long lists.

    For me, the bottom line is that a married couple no longer live for themselves. They have a duty to care for each other and see how they may please each other, within reason. A person who is unwilling to be happy is going to be impossible to please, and there are both men and women who don’t want to be happy.

    Gary Thomas says that the biggest killer of marital happiness is negative thinking and I agree. There’s nothing like deliberately focusing on what is good (Philippians 4:8) or giving thanks in every situation (1. Thessalonians 5:18). Even the most famous passage on marriage, in Ephesians 5, is within the context of being filled with the Spirit, being thankful in all things, speaking uplifting things to each other (Psalms and Hymns). The heart has to be full of thankfulness and Joy in the Lord to be able to do what follows.

  13. Such a beautiful and true post! It should be required reading for newlyweds! This is just my opinion, but I think that while the typical I Corinthians 13 is frequently chosen to be read at weddings, I think the verses from Romans, James and Timothy that you quote in your post should be read at weddings (or at least in the pre-marital counseling). Merry Christmas, Lori and Ken. Lori, I hope you are feeling better!

  14. I ordered this same movie from the Library and turned it off after 15 minutes!! Haha! I guess I should have waited it out ..oh well!
    God bless

  15. Ken,

    Just because hallmark movies don’t show sex and swearing doesn’t mean they are good.

    I can without doubt tell you the plot theme of every hallmark movie on Netflix.

    My wife likes them and before I click on one that she wants to look at I pause and tell her what it will be about just by the picture. They will all depict a hard working women coming home for some reason and finds another man for some reason. If it’s the man coming home he is depicted as some jerk type with a good heart that a new or previous woman in his life changes back.

    They are female porn. At the heart of them is woman good, man bad until woman changes said man.

    So yes with hallmark you know what you are getting. They are no different than those so called christian movies that have come out like War Room or Fireproof.

    After realizing how blue pill I was my wife and I re watched some of them. The thing is she saw those things the first time and yet still treated me poorly. After I realized what I had been acting like and changed accordingly ie., treating her as she should things have been better.

    Solipsism is nothing to take lightly.

  16. Good article that reminds me of something I’ve noticed recently. There is a small segment in some Christian circles that I call Blame the Man First. You see if often on blogs and message boards but I recently read (then trashed) a book by a male writer who I had respected. He claimed no matter what goes wrong in a marriage, it is ultimately attributed BY GOD that the man has failed somewhere along the line. The wife grows emotionally or sexually cold? Since women are just “responders” and men are “initiators” (and assumption I’ve never been sold on), the man failed. Woman commits adultery or leaves? Again, the man failed. In every theoretical case, the author exonerated women completely — which may in fact suggest a low view of women.

    Anyway, it’s a wicked teaching that must be result resulting from feminist infiltration. I hope is more isolated than I suspect it is.

  17. Marriage sucks because of this. My wife says no to everything I suggest, even if there’s only benefit to the kids and not me. I’ve given up ever having any friends or family over, and only want to allow the kids to have some friends, but this is unacceptable. Only 8 more years of prison to go, then I lose everything, but I’ll be free.

  18. Yes indeed the wicked teachings of our modern culture that so easily lead women to the path of unhappiness. When I hear ,”Happy Wife, Happy Life”, a part of me cringes. By all means I want my wife to be happy, but not at the expense of my faithfulness to the savior and his will for us as Christians. Anyone who puts happiness above all else has a shallow understanding of the spiritual walk. Fulfilling every whim of a gluttonous and unsatisfied wife is really no different than enabling a drug addict. In this moment the act of love becomes rebuke and correction, something modern feminism calls “abuse”. Isnt it terrible how satan deceives the mind of man?

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