Help Your Husband Be Chaste

Help Your Husband Be Chaste

This post was written by two men who commented on my post Women Withholding Sex From Their Husbands. I believe it’s good to hear how some men struggle who are married to women who routinely deny them sexual intimacy. Please, don’t be one of these wives.

Being a man I will just say that I think this article is very well written AND I will add one big Caveat (especially for women like Brittany who are struggling with a husband who seems disconnected and/or not interested in sex).

CAVEAT:

It’s important to keep in mind that we live in a digital age when and where men can very easily (and literally) take matters into their own hands and turn to pornography and masturbation as a means of satisfying their need. Over time a man can become addicted to pornography and/or masturbation to the point that normal sexual relations with his wife no longer appeals to him the way it did in the beginning. Many men today experience erectile dysfunction (that is more mental than physical) because they have become accustomed to pornography and/or masturbation. I know because it happened to me.

It wasn’t until I quit looking at porn and masturbating that I got back my passion for my wife. Now that I have stopped looking at pornography and stopped masturbating (yes, I am serious) I am dealing with the very problem that this article addresses. I no longer resort to satisfying myself and instead only get relief OCCASIONALLY (sometimes only once a month) when my very distracted wife feels like having sex. That is what led me to this article. I was hoping to find an article that specifically addressed a Christian woman’s responsibility to care for her husband’s sexual drive (which can make it difficult for a man to live a chaste and holy life).

So if you are a Christian woman reading this and you sincerely care about your marriage, please try to help your husband to be chaste by actively seeking to keep him satisfied.

I can tell you from personal experience that it is VERY difficult to remain chaste and faithful when my need is only satisfied once or twice in a month. It was MUCH easier when I was satisfying myself regularly through porn and masturbation (yes, I know that is an oxymoron but at the time I didn’t view porn or masturbation as being unfaithful but now I do).

Now that I have chosen chastity over sin, it is so VERY difficult. I feel constantly in need. My wife has no idea just how difficult it is. How many wives wish they had a chaste husband who NEVER looks at porn or masturbates and just wants to have passionate sex with them every day and night?

I want to be with her constantly and VERY badly but she just isn’t interested. I hope this will be helpful to someone. If your husband isn’t showing an interest, it could simply be that at some point in the past he got tired of not having his sexual needs addressed and took matters into his own hands (literally). If you want to get him back, it will take time and patience and at some point you might even have to openly address whether or not he has turned to taking care of himself and possibly even looking at pornography.

For me, if I wasn’t a devout Catholic I know that I would be handling things for myself on a daily basis but I have come to believe that ANY sex outside of marriage (including sex with myself or my hand) is sinful; it is not what God created me (or my beautiful wife). The ONLY sex that is right before God is sex with my wife. One man and one woman.

I hope and pray that someday she sees an article like this and realizes what I am going through. Until then I will feel this intense need that nags at me constantly, every minute of every day. The enemy knows that I have chosen love for Jesus and my wife over satisfying my flesh and so many temptations come my way but I love Jesus and my wife and kids and will continue this struggle in faith. Hopefully this helps someone.

God Bless.

This comment is from Tiny Tim:

Thank you for this article. As a Christian man married to a Christian wife for whom sex is not important to her, I can speak from experience that you are 100% correct in how you express the effects of a sexless, Christian marriage on the husband. A “good year” for us is only two to three times a year, always at her convenience. I do a mountain of chores around the house and have tried to be a better husband to her in all ways I think of (including the many “list” articles on websites about all the ways men need to act differently), but to no avail.

To make matters worse, I have yet to hear any teaching in the church that puts any responsibility on the wife. We brow beat the husbands to death, with lessons and dire warnings on not straying, not looking at another woman, etc. And that’s great and Biblical, but that’s where it stops. No teaching for the wives on why abandoning the husband is not acceptable. What is a Christian husband to do when the only person that I can look at/enjoy without stepping outside God’s loving boundaries wants nothing to do with me in this regard? I’m starving, and suffering all of the emotional hardships you write about. To be fair, she shows her love in many other wonderful ways, and I appreciate them fully (and tell her so).

Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5

16 thoughts on “Help Your Husband Be Chaste

  1. Where in scripture does it say masturbating or Porn is adultery? Men do it for a turn on, not specifically lusting over a woman. If anything with holding is marrital abandonment. Concentrating on a husband who has remained in the marriage despite being abandoned is victim blaming, which falls into exactly what feminists want and do. Is porn unhealthy? Absolutely, but calling it being unfaithful is similar to saying that a wife who submits to her boss is having an affair. Or being irritated is murder.

    All you are doing with this article is empowering wives to further say, ” look this is written by a man, porn is adultery.” It’s not.

      1. If porn is adultery, and adultery is grounds for divorce, than anger IS murder (Jesus’ words) and grounds for imprisonment. When you start planting your own feelings into modern female leaning you end up with ridiculousness. Pornography is not a modern concept and was used in Jesus’ day.

        Masturbating when your wife refuses is not wrong either. Many men are stuck in christian hell with pastors, wives and weak men condemning husbands at every turn.

        Until it is clearly spelled out in scripture without doing the two step presupposition and then finding scripture, I’ll stick to just scripture.

      2. Hi Jeff,

        I do not read anyone in this post saying porn is adultery, but in the first part of the post the commenter did call it “unfaithfulness.” It may be theoretically possible to construct a set of behaviors that could include masturbation that is not being unfaithful to a wife, or to God, or both, but that would be a very tight rope that would have to include not thinking about anyone but one’s wife when masturbating.

        In most cases masturbation involves a set of sins that surround the actual act, which are difficult to avoid in what a man is viewing or thinking to get turned on. If one could masturbate without a sinful thought life, your argument may hold some merit.

        The fact that a wife is unfaithful does not mean a husband should be. If this were true, then a wife is not obligated to submit to a sinful husband, or one that does not love he as Christ loves the Church. Each one of us must own our own sin, and give all of our passions and needs to the Lord.

        Masturbation is not adultery and does not provide grounds for a divorce. Only the actual act may fit the Biblical definition of breaking of marital bonds; and even that is not grounds for divorce, except for the hardened heart, according to Jesus. Instead we are to see marriage as permanent in this life and work towards reconciliation at every turn and sin we encounter in our spouses.

    1. Jesus tells us in His Word: But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:28) So, I definitely think watching porn is adultery!

      1. watching porn, sending sexy texts, having a flirty lunch date, looking at dating aps, are all transgressions that undermine trust in a marriage and weaken the family bond. This is not what God wants for us. God’s laws are in place to protect the weakest member of society: the child. Any behaviors that weaken the family and thus weaken the security of the child are sinful.

  2. As a woman, I learned this the hard way. I wasn’t being intimate with my husband very often and found out he was watching porn. It shattered me. It was a horrible thing to deal with. But he told me I didn’t understand how hard it is for a man to work & focus when his needs aren’t met. After healing from the betrayal, and having him willingly let me put controls on our internet access, he is not watching porn and we have sex almost every day and our marriage has deepened and become better than it ever has. Sex really is the glue that binds us together. Sometimes I don’t feel like it but I do it anyway because I want to meet his needs. And I am so glad I realized how much I can satisfy my man. It feels wonderful being so desired. Isn’t that what every woman really wants?

  3. The mother of King Lemuel warned her son by saying, “Give not thy strength unto women, not thy ways to that which destroyerth kings”(Prov. 31:3). Within marriage, having frequent times of intimacy strengthens a man in his masculinity. Pornography drains it away. Women, build your men up sexually, and,men, realize the problem with pornography is not the pornography. The real problem is with our lusts within. Be content with your wife. (Prov. 5: 15-21)

  4. I love my husband dearly and I told him I would never deny him sexually or otherwise. I choose to be obedient and submissive because I want to obey God and put Him first. Thank you for this article, its good.

  5. My Grandmother in law said to my husband once that he should leave me alone and stop getting me (his wife) pregnant and to keep his hands to himself. (Im pregnant for the 11th time in 14 years) he responded that ‘i would Grandma, but my wife wont keep her hands off me and she would be devestated. ‘ well, if looks could kill. If i had of been there i would of died laughing. I love my husband and intimacy is fun. It also brings great pleasure i am giving him something no other woman can give him. Sure, they can give him sex, but it will always carry a sense of guilt or a burden if its not me. He knows he can get it with me with no strings attached. Plus the guys at his work think he is one lucky guy. And he is.

    1. I will also say, hat the married men i see in my travels with my family are amongst some of the most down cast, miserable characters i have come across. And their wives come across as completely oblivious. I feel sorry for those men. 😟

  6. I’m not married, or even close to being in a relationship, but sometimes I read your articles to teach myself about how to be a godly wife. Topics like sex are uncomfortable in my house for many reasons so the only source I have about them is the Bible. But I am grateful these men posted this comments! It so sad to see wives neglecting their husbands. As a young women who is saving herself for marriage… I don’t think I could ever see sex as unimportant. I often feel like I’ll be the one asking my husband for such intimacy’s often and hopefully he’ll want it to so I can satisfy him and we can grow together in that way. Even though I’m not married, if God ever blesses me with it, I want to help keep my husband chaste. I know I won’t be perfect, I know some days I will fail and be selfish, but I want to put forth and effort to help him in this area. It honestly makes me very sad that these men struggle so much as they remain faithful to their wives. I hope, one day, I’ll help my husband in this area. Thank you for publishing this!

  7. On the other side of this sad coin are wives, or ex-wives, who, like me, were excellent and Godly wives, enjoyed sex, and rarely said no unless it involved him demanding that I view pornography with him or include another woman for a threesome. Oh yes, he is a Christian.
    Blame shifting is common among every addiction, including porn addiction and sex addiction and it is indicative of someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions.

    Ultimately, my (ex) husband went on to commit many acts of infidelity and adultery and it of course ended our marriage and hurt our families and church, deeply. He also went on to marry a woman from Thailand who is young enough to be his granddaughter, in this way he was able to fulfill the lust and fantasies that porn had filled his head with. Incidentelly, he was still married to me when he did that.

    Porn addiction is and has been beyond devastating to our society. It destroys marriages and families, and surely it has become a crisis for America. While I certainly don’t condone or advise that women withhold sex, I also don’t believe that men should lay blame at the feet of their wives for giving into temptation. My ex husband eventually lost all interest in me sexually, it did not drive me into another mans bed, nor did it cause me to have a relationship with pornography or masturbation. It did cause me to draw near to God, to pray without ceasing and it drew me to the Lord daily thru His Word. Porn addiction is sin, the only remedy for sin is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

    My story is much more horrendous than what I have written would suggest, however, I hope in the Lord daily and the strength God has given me is immeasurable. Presently I am working on a book, I pray continually that God will use it to bring healing to the many hearts and lives that have been broken by, and to the spirits crushed and bound by the evil chains of porn addiction.

  8. It gives me great joy to make my husband happy. He is such a good provider and lover of my soul. He isn’t perfect….but seriously close (in my opinion)!! We try to be intimate regularly…I know he needs it and it truly brings me joy to know I am fulfilling a need of his! He knows how to care for me when I am emotional and need his strength….and I know how to care for him to meet his physical needs. I am always nervous since I am not quite down to the weight I want to be at…but he always reassures me how that doesn’t matter to him and how much he enjoys our times of intimacy!! 🙂 He makes it easy for me to meet his needs though because he is so good to me. I know it isn’t easy for some wives whose husbands are not in tune with them. It is my hope that even those women will take joy in knowing that pleasing their husband in that way is glorifying the Lord as she does what He made her to do! It seriously saddens me that women will withhold sex from their husbands. It seems cruel!

  9. As a woman who is regularly denied by my husband, chastity is something I too must remind myself of. Not in deed, or even in pornography, but in the most desperate times (months and months of rejection) fantasies do come. Prayer usually helps, as well as remembering all the good in my husband.

  10. I would like to comment, because my experience is so painfully reversed than the mentioned cases. I would LOVE to have sex with my husband EVERY day. He is rarely interested. It means that my subtle touches to draw his attention to the possibility of sex is ignored, hurting me and making me feel rejected. We are now married for nine years. The first few years of our marriage was terrible for me, NEEDING he’s sexual attention to feel wanted and loved. I have learned over the years that he does love me, but that he does not need me sexually often. He is a wonderful husband and great father. Having little ones and being busy and sleep deprived from getting up for the babies, helped me over the years and draw my attention away from my own needs, but I still wish that we could be intimate more often. At first it made me rebellious, then I faulted myself, then I thought perhaps this almost sexless marriage was my sentence for a previously sinful life, but eventually I realized that he just did not need sex as much as I do. And in our case I am pleasing my husband by keeping myself from him, and not to ever nag or complain about our infrequent intimacy. In the early years, I resorted to masturbation, like the writer I realized that God does not want me to please myself, but my husband. Even though I am sometimes burning up, I will tolerate it, to keep our marriage sacred. It is hard. And I can just image that it would be impossible for a man, as they are apparently (though this might not be our case) more sexually wired. As I write this, tears are streaming… Wife, please your husband and relish in his desire for you!! Husband, enjoy your wife and always respect and love her. Having sex with her shows that you need her. She needs to feel needed. Do it tenderly and with passion, she is made for it!

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