How to Find Your Soul Mate

How to Find Your Soul Mate

Taken from No Greater Joy Magazine

Have you ever heard the term “soul mate”? People use it to describe the love of their life, their favorite person to be with, the one they long to spend time with and do life with. It conjures images of a couple madly in love, gazing at each other with stars in their eyes. They are love-sick, raptured with each other. You get the warm fuzzies when you read their love story and see their perfectly curated photos on Instagram. They were made for each other. Their life is perfect. Soul mates are the stuff of fairy tales.

But the term “soul mate” never appears in the Bible. Nor does any term that means what we think of when we hear this one. So does God have one specific person for each of us—that one he created especially for us, to “complete” us and be the perfect match for the rest of our lives so we can live happily ever after? And if he does, what if you missed the right one? What if you didn’t know what you were getting when you married and now that you know the truth, you are convinced he is not IT? What if you are sure you’re not married to your soul mate? Are you doomed to a life of regret, wishing you had that intimate heart connection with the man of your dreams and Insta-worthy photos to go along with him?

I personally doubt God made one specific person for each of us to marry. I think that idea puts undue pressure on all of us to find that one needle in a haystack of almost 8 billion people. And what if two people marry the wrong ones? What happens to their perfect matches? Then they have to marry the wrong ones, and on and on and it gets exponentially ugly in a big hurry. But I can tell you this: the concept of “soul mate” does not have its origin in the scriptures. Maybe it started in Hollywood or the romance-novel industry. But when God describes the kind of man we should marry, he never tells us to look for our soul mate.

Not once.

I’m going to tell you a secret: soul mates are not found; they are made.

It’s true! You have the ability to make your very own soul mate! My husband and I have been married 36 years. I told a friend recently that the first year of our marriage was probably the worst of my life—his too. Both of us had visions of what we thought marriage would be like but were completely blindsided by who we actually married. It was a rough beginning.

We are now 59 and 60 years old and we have learned a few things. We both tell people all the time that we could not possibly be more different. We are complete opposites in every way—how much we sleep, what we like to do, the foods we enjoy, our parenting styles, how we relate to others, the kind of music we prefer, what we like to read, the kinds of dogs we like, what temperature we want the house to be, whether we should sleep with a fan (or two) on, even where we would prefer to live. Yet here we are—36 years in—and we have not yet once contemplated divorce because of our differences.

Have we had a few disagreements? Sure. But beneath all of our myriad differences is the commitment to stay together, for better or for worse, ‘til death do us part. After all, that’s what we said in the beginning.

So are we resigned to just being miserable together because we are so un-alike? Can we be soul mates? How do we connect despite the differences?

We work at it. We do it on purpose. I learn to feed and water cows and help run fence. He learns to love my very expensive 7-pound dog. I put hot sauce on the table so he can have his food spicy. He cooks me perfect fried eggs. I agree to live in the mountains. He takes me for vacations at the beach. I go to baseball games with him. He loves me through my crazy. We dance in the kitchen. We raise children—and now grandchildren—together. We offer forgiveness and longsuffering and grace.

This is how a soul mate is made. Not on the mountaintop of fleeting feelings but in the trenches of building a solid relationship where each makes the other a priority, where both are committed to doing what God has called them to do toward each other.

Are you unhappy? Change your tactic. Instead of having a woe-is-me attitude, make your husband feel like a winner and he will want to do better. Condemnation never made anyone try harder. You make the first move of thankfulness. Appreciation greases the wheels of love. Fix your attitude and your soul mate will begin to appear.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Matthew 19:6

***Michael Pearl wrote a great article in the magazine about President Trump who he fully supports.

10 thoughts on “How to Find Your Soul Mate

  1. I mean, sometimes it’s hard to find a person who is willing to work with you to sort of “make soulmates of each other” in the first place. The problem is in my opinion just the fact that people really bought into this rom-com narrative that there is this one person for you out there and only they’ll do it and you won’t be happy with no one else. Another problem, even in Christian circles, is that people don’t want to commit “too early”. A bunch of friends of mine (again, even Christians) say they won’t even think about settling down till 30. I mean, that’s all fine by me but don’t come crying to me when you end up alone after not giving a fair chance to a bunch of people that come along or when you get married at 35 and can’t have kids anymore…

    But, I mean, I don’t want to sound too negative. I found the right guy who shares my values at 21, so to anyone who is looking, I’m sure you’ll come across that person that you can build a life with eventually! 🙂 But I really appreciate your message on how love is a choice you make every day and not just a feeling. My generation needs to hear more of that!

    1. When I was in my early 20s I dated one man who refused to commit because he “didn’t want to be tied down.” This man wanted a family, but he was too into having fun to actually get married. He wanted to wait until he was in his 30s, but that was a dealbreaker for me. I’m afraid a lot of young women have this experience before they find someone who is enthusiastic about getting married.

  2. I have a movie rec!

    Bill Murray ‘On the Rocks’

    Really great movie because it discusses something that is never discussed…Parents ruining their kids’ marriages after child makes the mistake of coming to them with Gossip/Concerns

  3. This was a wonderful read.
    Your marriage is certainly one to look up to. A lot of the differences between you and your husband are similar to the differences between my husband and I right now.
    A lot of them didn’t come to light until we became parents honestly… our oldest just turned two a few days ago.
    I love that picture at the end. I’ve seen lots of pictures similar to that one and I hope they portray what will soon be our reality, growing older together.
    Anyways, thank you for sharing. I feel the same about the whole “the one” business.
    Vicki
    The Blessed Homemaker (.com)

  4. Great post! But I do think God puts people in our path. There are many places in scripture where it states God directs our paths. So, why wouldn’t He be involved in directing us toward our life mate? When my husband and I reminisce about our meeting, we marvel at all the twists and turns of our respective lives that lead us to meet each other. It’s a long story and I’m going to sit down and write about it one day. But we both agree that God put us together. We have been married 50 years and we have had our ups and downs but we always made it a point to stay together no matter what. Now that we are growing old together, it gets sweeter everyday. I love the picture at the end! Reminds me of us!

  5. “I’m going to tell you a secret: soul mates are not found; they are made.”

    This is the truth and I would like to make some observations in how I think it can be more successfully accomplished and why it is not more prevalent in the Church today.

    As Christians, our marriages are supposed to be a living representation of the relationship between Christ and the Church, where the husband represents Christ, and the wife represents the Church (Ephesians 5). If we look at that relationship, does Christ and each of us start out as “soul mates”? Not even close right?

    How do we become closer (more intimate) in our relationship with Christ? Does Christ change himself to be what each of us wants Him to be to satisfy our own selves? Is their compromise in the relationship; do we give some and Christ gives some to meet us in the middle? The answer is of course… no.

    The relationship becomes more and more intimate as we (the Church) change and conform ourselves to Christ. We submit to Him in everything and serve Him in an effort to please and glorify Him and He loves us by protecting and providing for us as He continues to work in our lives to complete the good work that He began in us (progressively sanctifying us).

    Should a marriage not be the same? Do two people really end up “finding” their soul mate or is a house (marriage) built by a wise woman who submits herself to her husband in everything and conforms herself to him, serving him and seeking to please and glorify him and a husband who loves (agape) his wife by protecting her, providing for her and by washing her in the water of the Word to remove her spots and blemishes toward her progressive sanctification?

    I think this concept of a woman finding (a soul mate) (prince charming) (white knight on a horse) everything that she dreams of in a man that will satisfy her (or expecting her husband to change things about himself to suit her) to be inconsistent with the example the Bible gives us.

    Should it not be as in the days of old that a woman would marry whomever her father sells (or gives) her to and then focus on changing and conforming herself to her earthly lord (owner and master) in the same way we as individual members of the Church change and conform ourselves to Christ our Lord (owner and master)?

    Even if the woman does have a choice should she not depend heavily on her fathers guidance and not have her sights (dreams) set so high that she might never find a husband but be very sensitive and open to who the Lord brings into her path (as soon as she is of marriageable age) regardless of whether she thinks she is ready or not? Should she not seriously consider ANY Christian man that shows interest in her, (again using her fathers guidance) even if this man does not measure up to everything that she hopes and dreams for? Should marriage not be her primary concern above all other earthly endeavors (assuming her father believes she is ready)?

    I think that feminism has destroyed so much more than most of us realize. The fact that women even have a choice in who they marry these days (fickle, can’t make up their minds, don’t even really know what they want half of the time, unrealistic expectation… women) leads to so much failure in marriage. Women do initiate divorce over 70% of the time and when asked why, they most often say it’s because they are not “happy”. Why are they not happy? It’s because their expectations were not being met. Why were their expectations not being met? It’s because they had unrealistic expectations to begin with. Simple as that.

    Many times this results in a failure of a woman to even get married because her standards (thinking driven by their feelings, unrealistic expectations and the lies of feminism) are so high that 80% of the men can never measure up. Often the so called top 20% of men (that 80% of women seem to think they want and deserve) are not in the top 20% of the proper category as measured by God, but by these earthly minded women who are drawn to the overt masculinity of the “bad boys” who will do little more than pump and dump them.

    This is further complicated by women spending their most impressionable (moldable) and fertile years pursuing unimportant things (like getting an education, starting a career, traveling, having fun, etc…) all while becoming more and more independent, making it harder for them to properly submit and conform to a husband if they ever manage to find one or after they “settle” for the beta bucks guy who they do not respect because they have been turned inside out by the alpha bad boys they used to date but could never get to put a ring on it. There are so many things in our modern culture that set marriages up for failure!

    The way we are approaching (and attempting) marriage these days it’s a gracious gift from God that ANY of them turn out to be a decent representation of Christ and the Church.

    Do our ideas about (and the realities of) modern day (dating and) marriage really, properly represent the relationship between Christ and the Church? Personally, I don’t see it and it’s why the vast majority of them are doomed to fail either resulting in divorce or even the ones that do not get a divorce are horrible, miserable environments (and examples) in which to raise children.

    If we are to have any success (defined by Gods standards and example) in marriage we are going to have to get back to doing it ALL the way God instructs us to do it.

    1. Interesting comment. This idea of choosing ones own spouse and the independence from parents is a Western and Christian thing that is destroying more than just America but the world. I have Indian heritage, arranged marriage is our culture. It is a lengthy process involving parents and elders, it’s focus is compatibility between the prospective spouses on every level: economic, social, temper mental etc. This beautiful and reliable method is being eroded by ‘love marriages’ exported from the West. What I don’t understand is how Western culture adopted Christianity but rejected the Middle Eastern culture it came from. I see no Christian’s practice the marriage process of the Bible and the sad thing is there are Christian men and women missing out on marriage because they are alone wading through a fallen world trying to find love.

  6. I also forgot to mention that I absolutely despise feminism. It’s the most evil thing in this world besides abortion and trafficking children. I don’t know why women want go out and work and act like a man. I also don’t understand women wanting to vote especially now in these upcoming elections. I’ve never voted. I was never encouraged to do these things. It’s all so vile. Satanic.

  7. Soulmates are not found, they are made. Wow! I agree 100%!
    My husband and I were attracted to each other even though we had nothing in common. And we married. We even had difficulty communicating bc we were on different wavelengths. But we worked at it, and became each other’s best friends, and yes, soulmates. Two of my 15 pregnancies were begun with my husband having pregnancy symptoms before we knew I was pregnant. In fact, his symptoms were why I took a test both times. And then, on the final day of his life I had heart attack symptoms even though he was 20 miles away from me and I had no idea he was in distress.
    Yes, soul mates are made, not found.
    Love him even when he is being a jerk; you want him to love you when you are being a jerk. Love him through it all, and put him first, and you will wake up one day and realize you married your soul mate.

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