My Three Wives

My Three Wives

Written By Ken Alexander

On one of our regular two-mile walks yesterday, we ran into a neighbor who began talking about someone who had ten children from three different wives. Ken exclaimed, “Oh, I have been married for 39 years to three different women too!” The man gently patted me on the shoulder and asked, “How you doing?”  Let me tell you about my three wives.

My first wife was very cute and feisty and I reveled at the challenge to compete with her as we bantered back and forth with funny, and sometimes hard-hitting quips. It seems that both of us spoke our mind easily, especially if we didn’t like something that was happening in the relationship or in the home. This first wife seemed very hard to figure out what would please her as there were more frowns and pouts on her face than times of joy. The sex was great, but the next thing you know, I had done something wrong again and was paying the penalty until I apologized. I found myself apologizing a lot, especially right before bed time, living under the adage, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” As the leader of my marriage (Ha!), I had to go make things right and just eat it, even if I wasn’t wrong just to make sure the marriage stayed on track.

Somewhere about the seven-year mark, I was listening to a Christian radio show about marriage and the light bulb went off. I thought to myself, “A guy like me can be wrong, but can I be wrong all the time?” Can I be so inept in my marriage that I am always feeling like I am in trouble, or does the problem lie elsewhere? I decided it was time to try and stop living as if I was always wrong and instead just step out and live my own life in my home, even if my wife was not happy about what I ate, when I went to bed, what I watched on TV, and my work schedule. I began to say to my first wife, “You are right, but you’re wrong.” After all, it was not that she was wrong much, but it was wrong to try to make me live the life she thought would be best to try in order to make me more healthy or successful.

This first wife had lots of cheerleaders as I would hear from her that her sisters and friends agreed with her that I just was not living my life the way I should. So, of course, she had to take the reigns of the relationship and try to control me for my own good, or so she thought. Being an elder in the Church at a young age and wildly successful by any worldly standards proved not enough to satisfy the desires to control built into my feminist taught first wife.

At eight years into marriage, I lost my first wife. I had had enough of being wrong all the time so I just started living a separate life and watched my wife change into a new person. I was traveling much of the year and she was sick much of the time, so like two ships passing in the night, we raised four children together by God’s grace in the Church. We found a common bond in our faith and our children, and we were both on the same page about how intentional we needed to be to show our children the joy of the Lord and instill His Word and love into their little hearts and minds. She was super woman who even on her most difficult and painful days would pile the kids in the car for sports, ballet, and especially weekly AWANA Bible memorization. We went from doctor to doctor trying to find a diagnosis and cure for the many things that ailed her. My most vivid memory is the smiles she would give me with her hollowed out eyes in pain as her four children played on her sick bed with her.

My marriage to my second wife did not have the same degree of intense upsets as with my first wife, after all if you are traveling 40 percent of the time and she is sick much of the rest, how much fighting can you do? This wife gave far fewer frowns, moods or crying as she knew it would have little impact on a silent ship slipping through the night. We both hit each other with quips when we didn’t like something and any true connection was being lost to the patterns of life we were now living. It took me years to realize that what we lived in was type of “Détente.” You know, when Russia and the USA had their missiles aimed at each other for years just ready to go off, but always seeming to avoid pushing the final button.

With my second wife, I became convinced that it was not all my fault, so I sought out answers from my career minister Dad, my own pastor, books, and even psychology trying to figure out how to get my second wife from an uneasy peace to a point of true intimacy. I felt that I had always had a soft heart and I loved the closeness I saw in my Mom and Dad where Mom seemed to adore this man who could do no wrong. Never an argument in front of the kids, lots of PDA, laughter and joy, with most of it coming from Mom and not from a very busy Dad. But they were truly connected and I so badly wanted that connection with my beautiful wife.

The challenge was on and we both seemed to want something more from our marriage so we booked some appointments with my wife’s family’s Christian counselor. We were the last to arrive at his door but he already seemed to know a lot about us. It only took three sessions with him for my second wife to know that she wanted no more of it. But one thing he said that was very profound and stuck with me even to this day: “Lori, have you ever considered that true intimacy comes from loving and accepting each other just the way you are without trying to change the other?”

My second wife was much calmer than the first and willing to work with me to try and have a deeper, more meaningful marriage. According to her, all I had to do was… 1, 2, 3, 4 things differently and we could have an intimate marriage. None of what she was asking for was hard to do. Pick up the newspaper after reading it, squeegee down the shower, go on long walks with her, be nice to her; each one I tried to check off the list in order to get to the intimacy and deep connections I longed for. Then I found the list would change and the target kept eluding me. “If only you would…” The missiles were rarely fired, but the uneasiness knowing that they could go off in any instant was always with us. I felt inept and as a failure in my own marriage, and not for a lack of trying to please my wife.

Finally, one day after a long hand-in-hand walk of arguing I did what I had told myself I would never do… I played the submission card. Yes, I had convinced myself that no husband worth his salt would ever tell his wife that she was to be submissive to him. No matter how many times we would disagree or get upset, I knew she knew that God had asked her to be submissive, so to play that card would be cruel and unkind I thought. Yet, I had tried everything to get her to see that the root of our marriage problem was not me, but rather her own inability to be vulnerable. Staying in control was a way to keep her from having to give up the fear that she may not get what she wanted and felt she needed from her man and marriage.

“You do know God asks you to be submissive to me,” I calmly said as gently as I could. With that she threw my hand down and turned and stared at me square in the eyes and said, “I know, but you can’t make me!” I started walking again as I responded, “I know, but you need to talk to God about that.”

Three months later, I lost my second wife. I am not sure if it was my truthful comment that she took to heart and took it to God, or if it was just God’s mighty work, but three months later my wife died and was resurrected as The Transformed Wife. She read “Created to Be His Help Meet” and something in that book “spanked her” as she says it, and she was devastated having all this time thinking she was a good wife who was submissive, but coming to realize that she was picking and choosing what things to be submissive in and what things “Ken really needs my help to change him.”

I have been married to my third wife for about 18 years now and I must say she makes me so very happy. Ironically, I probably do more of the things she wanted me to change in than ever before, but the change in me comes from wanting to please this joyful woman who is willing to accept me and love me just the way I am. She knows how I feel about things and when we disagree, I invite her to speak her mind, yet she disciplines herself to be okay with whatever I decide. I want a terrific, intimate relationship so of course I am trying to please my wife, but now the targets rarely change, because she is happy and content, not feeling like she needs more “honey do’s” or “Ken changes” to make her happy. Her trust and joy is in God and His Word which she believes fully and lives out fully to please her Lord Jesus, and in turn her husband is thrilled to live in harmony with her.

So I have been married to three different wives, but the same woman. We have had a long journey of love together and our level of connectedness and intimacy is through the roof! She makes me so very happy and although the first twenty years of marriage were tough ones, I am so happy that we stuck it out together, and thrilled that we found the answers by becoming obedient to God’s Word. And if you think all is just perfect it is not. Her health is always in jeopardy and her brain tumor is growing again, but her joy through her anxious thoughts is remarkable.

Can you imagine how many Christian marriages can be completely transformed if both spouses choose to do all things Christian in their marriage? This means a loving, kind, considerate leader of a husband and a joyful, meek, modest and submissive wife who are both seeking to please each other as they please the Lord first and foremost in their lives. I can’t wait to see the fourth wife God sends my way and I do hope and pray it will be in the body of the same beautiful, feisty, strong-willed woman I married. For I still love that girl dearly, and even more now than the day I married her, because we both now know what true love and intimacy is all about. Lovingly accepting each other for who we are, all the while moving towards becoming as husband and wife more and more like Jesus asks of us, for His honor and glory, and no longer our own selfish ends.

So many of our churches are turning to psychology and communications skills to try and put a Band-Aid on countless Christian marriages where husband and wife are living on eggshells wondering when the next quip or bomb will explode. Our Churches have given up trusting God at His Word for the prescription for marriage preferring the World’s way, and hence why the divorce rate in the Church is just below the World’s. We challenge you, Christian, to begin to live up to your name and “do all things Christian in your marriage.” It can revolutionize any relationship when you stop putting self-first and start ministering love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and hope to your spouse. Will you join us today and discover the many rewards for marriage that God has in store for those who want to do it according to the instruction manual He has left us? Take it from us, it is fantastic to be at peace and joy with the one you vowed to love “til death do us part.” Your whole world changes when peace, love, and joy reigns brightly in Christ in your marriage.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

24 thoughts on “My Three Wives

  1. Amazing testimony, Ken! I have a much better marriage now than I did when I wasn’t being truly submissive.
    A couple things you said jumped out to me, just because I’ve experienced them in my own marriage. I don’t have a honey do list for my husband, but he has a to do list of things he wants to do for me, because he loves me and desires to please me. ?

    And we do a lot of PDA! We don’t make out or anything that might be gross to other people, but we’re always hugging, holding hands, touching each other in some way. Sometimes my two young kids, boy and a girl, when they are playing house, I see them holding hands when they’re pretending to be married, and it’s encouraging to me that they think that’s what marriage is.

  2. God Bless You Dear Saints! You have refreshed my soul! (Philemon 20)You are Salt and Light and a picture of the beauty of the gospel! You are prayed for my VT2. We look forward to rejoicing with you both in Heaven! What an encouragement you are to this ailing wife and mother… Arms of warmth and joy surround you via this computer. You are my people- even on the east coast… All for Jesus

  3. Thank you for this. I have been married to my husband for 36 years. I regret so very much the wife I was the first 18-20 years. It makes me so sad to see all the years I wasted in manipulating, pouting and striving to get my way. It wasn’t constant fighting or anything but I recognize all 3 wives you are referring to. But thankfully I am on the 3rd wife section. And honestly, I have had more consistency in growing to be a helpmate with your sweet wife’s guidance here. She has guided me to God’s Word about wives and I am so grateful.

  4. Wonderful testimony! Thanks for sharing part of your journey, hopefully it encourages people not to give up, being married and staying married is work but so worth the effort. —a team effort

  5. I second what you’re saying Sheila. I too waisted the first 20 years of my marriage not being truly submissive. I thought I was being submissive in those earlier years. Now it’s been 5 years later being that 3rd wife, and I’m thankful to have godly women like Lori to help me understand what submission truly looks like. We’re coming upon our 25th anniversary soon and my husband said things are better than they have ever been. He’s on cloud nine like when we first got married 🙂

  6. Having been married for 16 hellish tears, although I find your testimony touching and am a big fan of your wife, it nevertheless confirms me in my assertion that for a happy life, no wife is the way forward in this day and age. I literally know of only one couple whom I would describe as genuinely happy and even in their case, I know that their, setup may suit them but it wouldn’t suit me.

    MGTOW forever. If you want true happiness avoid the nightmare that is marriage to a 21st century woman. They really do have nothing to offer and I would not want to go through 20 years of adjustments as you did. It sure doesn’t sound like happiness to me.

  7. Yay! We are all Gods project and his timing and grace. Let us thank Him that he has transformed us all so much from our early immature days into the likeness of Christ… and as the apostle says, “leave what is behind and look ahead” instead.

  8. Excellent Tajuana! We can lament our past but they were not wasted years IF they produce in us then changes God has for us to make us more like Christ. We look forward to our wonderful future in marriage, even as we may never get rid of the tinge of regrets for the lives lived in ignorance. May the Lord keep using TTW to help change many lives and marriages with her powerful ministry.

  9. Thanks Shelly! Definitely a team effort… husband, wife and Holy Spirit all made one together in Christ.

  10. Unless of course you find a godly women who loves her Lord Jesus dearly and seeks to please Him. If you miss out on marrying that woman you will have lost out on the very best of love and life to placate your fears.

    “Perfect love casts out fear” and I pray you find her as there are many godly women looking for godly men to do marriage well together.

  11. A beautiful read – sometimes things do progress in a positive way.

    Me? I had only two wives. The first was a Damsel in Distress who, for decades, I tried my best to rescue. Unfortunately she then became a Distressed Damsel. Took my money, my daughters, and off she went to pursue her lesbian utopia.

    Oh well. Ignore the red flags at your own peril.

  12. @ Ken
    I am respectfully asking you where all those “many godly women looking for godly men to do marriage well together” are???????

    I am 59 years old and a widower.
    Been a widower for a few years now.

    I come from a conservative church background.
    I have been saved for 25+ years

    Even in the conservative churches, I can see NO DIFFERENCE between “Christian” and unsaved women.
    They dress the same way, they talk the same way and they act the same way.

    In the age range of 50-60 year old women that I WAS searching in, they ALL are in that “1st wife” stage you wrote about.
    Women claiming to of been saved for 30-40 years and are just as contentious as any feminist.

    My personal opinion is that 99.99999% of women are so far gone that God has turned them over to their reprobate mind and feminist thinking for His judgment upon them.

    Your wife Lori is doing a wonderful job of trying to teach women God’s way for them.
    Unfortunately MOST women want to continue wallowing in the pig manure pit and enjoying being in the manure.

    So again, I respectfully ask, where are these many godly women at??????

  13. Blair, what are you looking for in a wife? I know many women between 50-60 who are Godly, some of them are also widows. The thing is, since older widows are not commanded to re-marry by the Apostle, they do not have the obligation young women do to “marry and bear children.” They’ve already done that. There is also their children, either grown or nearly so, to take into consideration. A woman at 55 is in a very different place in life than at 25. The widows I know do not feel that God commands them to re-marry, so they are very cautious before doing so. So, what is it you require and what is it you are offering?

  14. @michaela
    I realize a woman in my age range is not the same as a younger woman in being commanded to marry and bear children and I never said she was.
    Yes, many of them have children even when a lot of women at my age have NEVER been married, just hopping from one man to the next one.

    I am not looking for a perfect Christian woman and no, I am not a perfect man.
    What I was looking for was a Christian woman that has repented of her sinful past with all the men but personally I have never met any woman who is repentant of her past sex life with men AND women. I still hear many “christian” women bragging about their past, defending women with the bad boys, and encouraging other women to go for bad boys with their glowing tales of their time with bad boys.
    I would settle for a woman who has not had any sexual contact with a woman and who has repented of the 8-10 men in her sexual history.
    But I have stopped looking because it was a big waste of time between looking at local women and even 5 online dating sites, including christian sites.
    I figure now if God wants me to have a wife, He will have to put a big pink bow on her and drop her in my lap.
    I have more important things to do than play the mental games most women of all ages are playing.
    I figured since Ken said there were many godly women looking for godly men, that maybe there was an area that I hadn’t looked at.

    Quote = “I know many women between 50-60 who are Godly”
    Many years ago 2 preachers introduced a “godly woman” to me.
    Both told me me she was so godly and a wonderful woman.
    They both knew her for 3+ years that she was attending the 1 preachers church.
    Always attending church 3 times a week – Wednesday evening, Sunday morning and Sunday evening, plus any special times.
    She even drove 90 miles each way to attend church – sun, rain or snow.
    She always dressed modestly, etc etc
    Turns out she was only acting and had everyone fooled, which I found out after I married her.
    5-6 adulteries that I have found out about since her death from cancer and I suspect a lot more that I don’t have definite proof of.

    What am I offering?
    Love and I have a job.
    Not a millionaire and no big pension, nor a big fancy house.
    Just a plain ole Christian man which most women aren’t looking for.

  15. Hi Ken, Thank you for this clever and honest blog! I’d like to ask, though…in the final paragraph, are you saying communication isn’t important? You say “So many of our churches are turning to psychology and communications skills to try and put a Band-Aid on countless Christian marriages where husband and wife are living on eggshells wondering when the next quip or bomb will explode.” In our marriage, communication is what KEEPS us from exploding. I’m sure you didn’t mean communication is bad, though, so I was hoping you would clarify. Thanks!

  16. KEN, I cannot help but offer a resounding “AMEN” to what WILLIAM MMOBBERLEY said above, and also add an echo to Blair’s sentiment. I’m 6 years into it with wife #1. I’M 65 now, and doubt I’ll live long enough to see #3. No woman is worth this kind of struggle and stress.

  17. This is encouraging. I have a family member who says shes a Christian but in my perspective is not a submissive wife. I pray for her a lot and this encourages me that God can transform her.

  18. Beautifully written. I love your take on the three different wives in Lori.
    I am just starting out in our marriage it feels like. 7 years together, 4 years married, 2 babes under 2 years old. I want to jump straight to the “third wife” but I must admit, I do find it difficult sometimes. I am very stubborn/strong willed and impatient. I know these are definitely not the best qualities for a wife to have and sometimes they get the better of me. I’ll be 30 next year. Lori’s blog here has helped me immensely and I read a bit every day, usually in the morning to try and start my day off on the right foot. Any advice to avoiding the first two wives/20 years of unhappiness?

  19. This is beautiful! I can only hope my husband has seen a change in me from the early years, now that I am a proper, submissive wife.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *