The Entitlement Attitude of Women
The reason my viral post had such a strong visceral reaction was because many women have an entitlement attitude that says they can live however they want and suffer no consequences. They can sleep around, get into huge amounts of debt by going to college (since everyone else is doing it), tattoo their bodies, and still expect a good man to want to marry them because they deserve it and “God’s grace covers all of their sins.”
“The reason so many people got upset at reading the Lori Alexander piece is because upwards of 90 percent of all American singles fail to meet her simple, tried and true standard for maximizing marital success. Rather than take a little humble pill, they are defiant against God and his simple-to-follow rules. They want to equivocate, obfuscate, and make themselves the exception to the rules. It’s totally understandable. We all have that desire.”
Yes, God’s grace covers all of our sins once we believe in Jesus Christ as our Savior but it doesn’t mean that we won’t bear the consequences of our sins. It also doesn’t give us the freedom to continue in sin. All we deserve is hell and damnation except for Christ’s shed blood for us so get the entitlement attitude that is so prevalent today out of your mind. If but for Christ, we would all be lost in our sin without any hope.
I sure had preferences for the man I was hoping to one day marry. I wanted him to be a godly man, a virgin, hard-working, athletic, and taller than me! Was I wrong to have these standards? No! And neither are any of you but you must expect high standards for yourself, too; for we are promised that we will reap what we sow. I asked my husband if he would have wanted to marry me if I had slept around, had high amounts of debt, and tattoos and he said, “Absolutely not!” No, none of us will ever be perfect but some sins are much more destructive to the happiness of a future marriage than others.
Mychael Klajic wrote a well-thought out response to my article. She wasn’t a virgin, had debt, and a tattoo when she married. She clearly understands the consequences of her sin and doesn’t try to hide this fact. We all live with regrets of past actions because sin is destructive. We should never try to minimize sin and say that it is not harmful. It is! We must repent from our wicked ways and seek to live holy lives as His Spirit works mightily within us.
“If you are a typical 30-something girl who had been playing the field in your twenties, the ONLY way you have any chance to marry a high quality, high status man is to humble yourself in the presence of any man you might like to marry, and answer any and all questions he has for you. At any point, he may decide that is too much baggage and walk away.”
Mychael grieves about her past sins and how they affect her today. “In fact, even if you do all that, you will still have the second and third order effects of that life FOREVER. You can never get the pictures of your spouse with someone else out of your mind. You can NEVER really stop wondering if you are being compared. You can mentally control it, and minimize it. But it’s always there. Then there are the children. Someday, they will start asking questions about their step brother’s origin. It breaks my heart to think of that conversation. And it should break my heart.”
For me to teach young women to be virtuous seems to be forbidden in many churches today apparently, as is teaching women to be submissive towards their husbands, silent in the churches, and being keepers at home. Something is so wrong about this! I completely disagree with this sentiment and will continue to teach younger women the ways of godliness because they are good and for their good!
“It matters to your future husband what you did before you met him. Do not pretend that he should just take you with all that baggage because you are sooo awesome. You created most of it yourself. The previous two or three generations of men were conditioned by their baby boomer parents to believe that it doesn’t matter. But the ones under forty have been warned. The party’s over, girls. And Lori’s three markers are a really good way to screen for that stuff. Are you the exception? Who knows? Why should you burden your future husband with the task of figuring it out?”
For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness.
1 Thessalonians 4:7
17 thoughts on “The Entitlement Attitude of Women”
First of all, what is sin? Here’s the biblical definition, not the philosophical one.
1 John 3:4 KJV
Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law.
Secondly, does have have a caveat?
Hebrews 10:26-31 KJV
For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,
[27] But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries.
[28] He that despised Moses’ law died without mercy under two or three witnesses:
[29] Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?
[30] For we know him that hath said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people.
[31] It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
Can we be exceptions to God’s rules?
Deuteronomy 10:17 KJV
For the Lord your God is God of gods, and Lord of lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, which regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward:
Thanks for the post, Lori! I have a cousin who is a virgin and has no debts and no tattoos. While men may say that they prefer women like her, no one pursues her. But that is all right with her because she prefers not to marry if no one will have her.
She follows Jesus who said “there are eunuchs, who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it” in Matthew 19:12. Saint Paul also wrote, “I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am” in 1 Corinthians 7:8.
You’re right, Mary. She is living in obedience to the Lord regardless of the outcome! “Not my will but Thine be done” and she can still be used mightily by the Lord in her singleness. The Lord has this to say to the unmarried: “The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit” (1 Cor. 7:34) and she is living this out. She is storing treasures in heaven!
This is one of your best, Lori! And the concept is so sinful. Christ’s work accomplishes forgiveness, but it does not negate God’s principles for living, or the consequences for disobeying those principles. So simple, and yet people fight so incredibly hard against that basic truth.
I’ve followed this from a distance over the past week, and you’ve conducted yourself with amazing dignity and honor, Lori – good for you. Blog on, there are those who do hear!
Entitlement of women has deep roots. And it has been fertilized by the church. While I’ve observed Pastor Doug Wilson to be in scriptural error on many things associated with marriage, he did get these words right from his June 2016 post —the ongoing fertilizer for women feeling entitled:
“ ’repent and believe’ is one that can still be delivered to men. The men usually expect it, which is good … But that is not the case anymore with women. Any counselor who actually tries to address feminine shortcomings in a dysfunctional relationship is a brave counselor. …the fact that her sin is untouchable. We are dealing with a culture-wide insistence that women not be held responsible for what they do. This assumption has crept into the church, even into the conservative wing of the church, and has now been weaponized. This really is a tragedy, and it is one that keeps many women miserable.”
My only argument would be that the church started it and sold it to the world.
This entitlement is very deep and may be deeper than you care to go. It is very briefly summarized in Genesis 3:16: her desire is to rule him, and his charge is to rule her.
Interpreted: he has the charge, the authority of good, of order, of God; she has the charge, the (illicit) authority of rebellion, of disorder, of Satan.
He is the agent of God. She is the agent of Satan. This is in the male all his life, in the female all her live.
This is how Satan attacks God, by using women to attack men, who hold the authority of God.
“Hath God said?” Eve bought the lifetime subscription. “Thy desire shall be to thy husband…” is a lifetime fight for the woman that will surrender to the Word of God. Hence, why the “in everything” in Ephesians 5:24, among many other verses.
Your articles are ones I enjoy reading with the truth plainly and unapologetically presented. Well done.
The Entitlement Attitude is very strong amongst MEN. Many men want to live however they want and suffer no consequences. Sleep around & get into debt; have tattoos & still expect to marry a virgin & good Christian woman ! ! Who are they kidding ? They certainly do not deserve to risk passing on the consequences, baggage and diseases of their promiscuous lifestyles, nor history of the abortions they are responsible for, by refusing to take care of the women and “unwanted” babies they started, when they persuaded, pressurized and manipulated young girls into sexual relationships, to indulge their lust, with no intention of honorable marriage ! ? One elder at an international church asked the young men “Do You want to marry a nice Christian virgin?” He to
D them his wife was a virgin when he married her. Then he asked, “Are You a virgin?” Good question to ask the men. Genuine Repentance means leaving sinful pasts behind and learning to live in purity, Holiness and ongoing sanctification for life. Huge changes in thinking, behavior and attitudes must bear fruit for God. Out teenagers both female and male need to be taught godly lifestyles, modesty, purity and how to become secure in their new identity in Christ. Healing for hurts and damage done by others must be part of their holistically care. Girls especially need to be encouraged and learn how to value and respect themselves, without dependency on male approval. No more double standards in society and the church. May God help us.
Helen, you want to talk about double standards? When a man fathers a child out of wedlock, he is shamed, pursued by the law, and derided as a “dead-beat Dad”..and rightfully so. When was the last time you heard the term “dead-beat Mom?” to describe women who procreate out of wedlock, party, squander their welfare checks, sleep around, etc? Probably never, because we are told we cannot judge the choices a woman makes.
Actually, deadbeat dads are called as such because they do not provide or raise their children. They are simply not present! I know plenty of deadbeat dads who produced their children in wedlock but they still do not act as a proper father should. I also know fathers who were not married when their children were born but they are good providers and they raise their children well. And deadbeat moms do exist!
Hey Mary, as a guy who is waiting until marriage I can assure you that I prefer a girl who shares my values and I would rather be single than settle for one who doesn’t. In fact, I’m in my early 30s and have never been in a relationship over this matter.
I dont know why your cousin hasnt been pursued but from a guy’s perspective it can be very difficult to sort out the girls you want to pursue from the girls you don’t.
“Are you a virgin that’s waiting until marriage?” Isnt something you can drop in casual conversation. Moreover, the biblical ways have been so stigmatized over the years that if people found out I’m looking for a virgin I’d be labeled a creep or they’d call me insecure (despite the fact that I myself am a virgin by choice). So if 95% of women dont practice abstinence and I can’t ask which is which, you can imagine how difficult it can be to know who to pursue.
I tried pursuing one girl and after a year I found out she had multile previous partners. Although I immediately stopped pursuing, I still lost a year. I don’t have the time to sort through 100 women to find 5 potential partners so what is a guy to do?
I like to observe people from a distance, and gravitate towards those who exhibit christian like behaviour. But its not easy to witness these tells outside the church. You have to pray and hope you run into the right one 🙂 or find a better way to signal what kind of girl/guy you are so we can find eachother in this cultural hodge podge!
”Sleep around & get into debt;”
Women hold the most student loan debt and the most consumer debt
and i don’t see how you believe men are having more partners then men when all women have to do is breath and show up……..
women generally lie Down about how many ”partners”(because the innately know it matters to a man looking to marry; and they lie for self preservation…meaning they would rather manipulate a man into marriage for my own security rather than loving him enough to make an informed decision…..
men generally lie up…….
”manipulated young girls into sexual relationships, to indulge their lust, with no intention of honorable marriage”
I agree its men’s responsibility to lead in sexual purity however..too often this is an ”’argument” from women trying to blame shift and absolve themselves of accountability and responsibility
I can see valid points. My husband married me a single mom (with a tattoo), but just because I have a past doesn’t mean I am not worthy of the love of a godly man. He saw that and I hope others are able to see past circumstances and silly tattoos and really look at the heart of their potential mates instead because that is truly what matters most.
And to clarify my husband is not a saint to take on my daughter and I he had his own past as well. My past “mistakes” God used to mold me into who I am. My sins are redeemed and washed away as much as any tattoo free, debt free, virgin (if she follows Christ). I am no less valuable to Jesus and I am more valuable to my husband than the girl you are speaking of. I have made mistakes in my past, but getting my tattoo and birthing my daughter were not the mistakes (the activities that led to my daughter perhaps, but she was meant to be here and her life is not a mistake).
Your experience doesn’t negate God’s commands or that older women shouldn’t be teaching women purity and God’s will for them before they sin and suffer some horrible consequences from it.
”My past “mistakes” God used to mold me into who I am”
I think you should say past choices/decisions
”mistakes” is taking no accountability or responsibility for what you CHOSE to do….
women are notorious for doing this…..
”My sins are redeemed and washed away as much as any tattoo free, debt free, virgin (if she follows Christ)”
Yes i agree if you repent and trust in Jesus your sins are forgiven…..however there are residual effect of sin in the physical…… Mrs. Lori is very much on point about what men prefer and her admonishment to women before they make the same bad choices.
Please read the article Mrs Alexander posted above.
https://russian-faith.com/family-values/i-wasnt-debt-free-virgin-marriage-heres-what-i-learned-hard-way-n1651
Wow. This is amazing stuff Lori. I guess it’s a sad state of affairs when that which was routine and sound theology just 50-60 years ago, is now “amazing” when read today. It’s the frog in the kettle; we’ve slipped so far as a society.
To this day I can’t get past the hurt of the adulterous behavior of my then wife, 15 years after divorce, because she’s never owned it or took full responsibility for it. We were married for 12 years when seemingly overnight she went from “pious, stay at home, homeschooling mom” to full on debauchery sleeping with multiple men (boys) 10-15 years her Junior. In therapy, she was simply allowed to blame it on her upbringing and never once completely owned her sin. Yet I as they faithful husband and doting father was made to repent for everything under the sun: “control, rigidness, expectations, etc etc.” To this day my 3 adult children have no clue what their mom did because telling them would be “shaming her” and is not what “God’s Grace” would want.
I’ve never remarried. I likely won’t without a miracle from God. All of our supposed Christian friends blamed me for working too much and gave her a complete pass.
The pain of betrayal and having my marriage and family ripped from me remains strong and raw, yet this article at least helped validate what I’ve been feeling the past 15+ years.
All of this is because of CHIVALRY. Not classical feminsim but CHIVALRY.
This is why I only look to older (and non-white) women as relationship material.
Young/white women demand to be worshipped because of their physical beauty and “docility.”