Virginity is a Patriarchal Concept?

Virginity is a Patriarchal Concept?

Everything seems to be blamed on “Patriarchy” and “White Supremacy” these days, doesn’t it? Why is that? It’s to find an excuse and blame someone else for their own misery or something they don’t like. That’s it.

Here’s a woman whose rant went viral when she shared what she is teaching her five daughters about virginity.

“Cayce’s video immediately went viral with over two million views. In it, she explains why she is raising her five daughters to believe that there is no such thing as virginity. ‘It is a patriarchal concept used to control women and serves no purpose — other than making women feel bad about ourselves. Just because some guy randomly sticks his penis in you at some point in your life does not change your worth, it does not change who you are, it doesn’t do anything other than it happened. Sex is important. It’s a big deal. It should always be a big deal. It has nothing to do with your first time…it’s just ridiculous. The whole concept is ridiculous,’ she says in the video.” (From an article on BuzzFeed)

There is such a thing as virginity. It’s a concept created by God Almighty to protect women, not hurt nor control them. Women are facing so much pain from fornication, which we are told to FLEE. Virginity doesn’t make women feel bad about themselves. Fornication is what makes women feel bad about themselves.

Our worth comes from Jesus Christ, not from sex or virginity as she tries to claim. This is why His commands to us are for our good. Yes, sex is a big deal. In this we agree. The first time should be with one’s husband on their wedding night. This is the safest and most secure place for women to experience sex their first time, not with some random guy in the back of a car.

Women who have their virginity stolen from them through rape, do suffer. It’s not the teaching of virginity that causes them to suffer. They suffer because they know something horrible was done to them against their will. They feel violated and used. This nonsense that teaching the value of virginity makes those who were sexually abused feel badly is ridiculous. Their own reactions to what was done to them proves the value of virginity. One’s virginity being stolen from them is completely different than giving away one’s virginity freely, and everyone with common sense already knows this to be true. They just want to use this argument to stop all those who are teaching the value of virginity.

I asked the women in the chat room if they had sex before marriage, how it affected them. This is how some of them responded:

“It created an emotional separation basically from sex itself. It’s more of just an act for me than a true connection.”

“Having the memories of past lovers. It would have been a satisfying accomplishment to have been a virgin on my wedding night, but because of fornication, I robbed myself of that.”

“It caused all kinds of problems. I was always honest about my promiscuous past once I became a Christian, and I felt like I had so many hard conversations over and over. I developed major intermittent anxiety over having to discuss it. There are still issues from me having sex before marriage that are too sensitive to discuss in a group this size, but I still suffer the consequences.”

“I would say this is my biggest regret in life. God created sex for husband and wife, and it isn’t meant to be shared with anyone else. When you share it, it looses its exclusivity. You almost make yourself less ‘special’ if that makes sense.”

“I feel cheap, guilty, and used. I have lasting scars on my heart that I don’t know how to heal.”

“It ruined my view of sex in my marriage for a long time. It affected how I saw my husband for a while too. I treated him like the horrible men from my past that I had no business being with in the first place. I lost my virginity three years before I got married. Just three years.”

“It stole my purity. It opened the door to Satan stealing a lot from me. I left my first boyfriend after we had sex when I went to college. Then I became promiscuous under the guise that if I was good in bed, then I would be loved and I also left that boyfriend because in many ways, my culture at home and around me told me I could do better and find a better ‘well off’ suiter in college. This way of thinking led me to drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity. Then that led me to being pregnant at 20 and having an abortion. Having sex before marriage was the first life altering decision I made that opened the door to Satan stealing and destroying. But Praise be to God for His redemption. I have come into my calling of being a wife and a mother. I struggle with my past in my marriage and my motherhood, but am trusting God that my husband and I will be able to teach our children the value of purity.”

A man from @masculinerevival on Instagram asked what people thought about the hookup culture.

“Oh, man. I wish I had never done it before marriage. It’s awful. Sometimes my past experiences are triggered while I am with my husband, and it’s almost as if I’m letting someone else into our own private bedroom or our own private love and life. It’s not worth it. The society is definitely geared towards making you feel like you’re missing out, and it constantly bombards you everywhere you turn; billboards, ads on your phone, gross clothes in stores, etc. All of those things have a great influence on a young mind.”

“It diminishes the ability to properly pair bond for a lasting relationship down the lines.”

“There is a correlation between number of past sexual partners and higher divorce rates.”

“Destroyed my perception of what a healthy relationship and sex life should look like.”

“I think the hookup culture is one thing that damaged chivalry and true masculinity.”

“SO many of my married female friends have the exact same experience. Many of us were pushed/persuaded to be sexually active years before we would have been ready, and many end up regretting every single encounter.”

“Personally, if I could go back and make changes, I would. It did nothing positive for my life right now. It only made my struggle with lust, pornography, and masturbation more difficult. It made me look at women as objects, prizes to be claimed, as bragging rights among the people I kept company with. It takes only minutes to hook up, but it takes years to fully recover from it. If you can fully recover at all.”

“Slowly but surely it destroyed me in every way possible. Future conversation with future husband will be very rough.”

Oh, yeah. Sounds like virginity is a patriarchal concept meant to control women. Right. There’s so much insanity these days, women. Be in God’s Word daily, so that you are wise instead and don’t stop teaching your children the value of virginity. God’s ways are for our protection, and they are perfect. Fornication has made no one’s life better. God’s ways do.

Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
1 Corinthians 6:18

34 thoughts on “Virginity is a Patriarchal Concept?

  1. The value of something is not determined by the seller. It is only worth what a buyer is willing to pay for it. A woman can say that virginity is not valuable all she wants but it is the man who is looking for a wife that properly determines the value of an intact hymen.

    Everyone who has shopped for a car knows that when you purchase a new car the value drops 15-20% when you drive it off of the lot. For a woman, her value drops much much more when she looses her virginity out of wedlock. For some men, her value drops to zero.
    Women can deny it all they want but that does not make it so.

    It is the man’s opinion that really matters and more and more men are experiencing the horrors of marrying a promiscuous woman who cannot pair bond to him and sharing their experiences with others and recommending that they avoid them like the plaque.

    1. I would actually argue that neither the men’s or women’s opinions matter. God’s opinion (actually, command) is the only one that matters here. Both men and women are commanded in scripture to be pure and only have sex within holy matrimony. Sadly, many people today are suffering the consequences of promiscuity, and many are trying to escape it by simply ignoring it and lashing out against any suggestion that this may not be the best way to live. I am so very thankful that, by God’s grace, I have been protected from this particular sin.

    2. Trey – well said. It is sad that men do not place as much value on virginity as they did, sad for them and sad for those Godly women who do value themselves and their relationship with Christ.

      In the past virginity was highly valued and a woman who was not intact would have found it very difficult to find a decent husband.

      Patriarchal yes perhaps, but God means the family to be a patriarchy. Wise very definitely. Is a woman who has so little respect for marriage, for her future as a mother, for her future husband and for God’s commandments that she is open to fornication likely to be a good and Godly wife ?

      1. Susanne,

        Men do not place as much value on virginity now for a few reasons:

        Marriage is seen as (potentially) temporary – when you’re not married for life men are more likely to select women based on maximum physical attractiveness – a wise man who wants a wife for life selects for inner beauty as much as for physical beauty.

        Virginity is rare – it’s hard to place high value on something that’s not even available to you (in most cases)

        Men are shamed for saying virginity matters – you are told you are wicked, patriarchal, insecure, etc. You are now shamed for saying or thinking anything that shames women.

        Among already married men, it’s a psychological coping mechanism to deal with the painful fact that another man got to do the most intimate act of all with your wife.

    3. The value of a woman as a wife drops but I’m not sure her value as a human drops.

  2. YES!
    Yes it is a patriarchal concept.So what?
    What will these Buzzfeed guys,or liberals,would do?
    All they can teach each other is immorality and promote degenrate acts and thoughts!
    Most people won’t like what I write here but virginity is a big deal and so is sex.
    Had there not been Patriarchy,humanity wouldn’t have progressed until here.
    Patriarchy IS what protects and provides for women.It is the proven way for the proper functioning of the society.
    In this type,men and women BOTH are held to rigorous standards of morality and THAT is what makes a society/nation great.
    Now,in this,the female is asked to be a virgin until marriage i.e. one sex partner for life along with homemaking etc etc but under this system,the man has got to do 99% of the work until his old age for the continuation of his lineage.
    All the fruits the family enjoys are hard earned because of his blood,sweat,tears and labour.
    Right from the beginning of their union all the things are provided by him.
    And all he asks for is sexual exclusivity from his beloved.
    The old societal model was a great way for men to be men and women to be women.
    She would do him a favour by a virgin and sexually exclusive to him and he would protect and provide for his whole life.There was no need for her to even step outside the house for livelihood.
    All he expected was to take good care of his lineage and his lifetime’s earnings.
    Both would get a prize.

    1. It is not just the proven way, it is the one and only way. What we have now is simply running on the increasingly scarce fumes of our Christian forefathers who have not controlled the west for at a minimum of 100 years. The end of this disgusting experiment will soon be upon us.

      1. I agree with you Trex.The last 100 years changed humanity’s moral conscience more the worst and people(feminists😞) are proud of it!
        The control of the elder men of the society is lost.
        Elder men keep younger men in check and elder women kept younger women in check.
        Grandparents were the ORIGINAL daycare.
        How great it must have been!❤🙂
        Men and women both knew their places,courtship,one sex partner for life,virgin marriages was the only way,homes running efficiently on one income etc etc.

  3. As a man, losing my virginity before marriage ranks right up there with my worst sins.

    Virgins don’t crave sex, because they don’t know what it entails, especially if they live up to the Bible’s standards to abstain from masturbation and porn, which are gateways for fornication and worse.

    I don’t know why my comments criticizing Talmudic Jews, who own the Federal Reserve, are behind the drug, porn, feminist, abortion, and homosexuality movements, and are behind Communism, which is a Talmudic Jewish Supremacy movement, never get posted!!

    Why is the truth so hated?

    Rabbi Rabinovich in 1952, said this, “ “FORBID THE WHITES TO MATE WITH WHITES. The White Women must cohabit with members of the dark races, the White Men with black women.

    “THUS THE WHITE RACE WILL DISAPPEAR, FOR THE MIXING OF THE DARK WITH THE WHITE MEANS THE END OF THE WHITE MAN, AND OUR MOST DANGEROUS ENEMY WILL BECOME ONLY A MEMORY.

    “We shall embark upon an era of ten thousand years of peace and plenty, the Pax Judaica, and our race will rule undisputed over the world.

    “Our superior intelligence will easily enable us to retain mastery over a world of dark peoples.”

    What does the average person do when they read this quote. They think it can’t be true, and run right for Wikipedia and Google, both controlled by Talmudic Jews, and both will tell them this quote is a conspiracy theory, and then you’re supposed to look at truth tellers like myself as some whacked out conspiracy theorist. Unbelievable.

  4. “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”

    This verse is gender ubiquitous as is the value of virginity; pre-marital chastity is the biblical standard for men and women. How can it then be a “patriarchal” concept?

    1. Exactly! Whenever I hear the word “patriarchy” used in contexts like that article, I just think of the line in Princess Bride: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

  5. Devils siren-singing girls to dismantle their God-given boundary (virginity)…that describes rock muus-eech and mteevee.

  6. Some powerful testimonies you’ve shared.

    ” Just because some guy randomly sticks his penis in you at some point in your life….”

    She makes her participation sound passive to absolve herself of responsibility. “Randomly?” Makes it sound like you’re just walking down the street and some man’s privates fell out of his trousers and some how landed in her girl parts.

    1. Putting it like that “randomly sticks his penis in you” says all you need to know about feminist morality. Sexual penetration is not just a physical act, it is of huge moral and spiritual significance. So much so that it is always deeply sinful except between husband and wife in marriage.

      A man who randomly etc is committing a terrible sin and a woman who allows it is a sinner disobeying God and being completely disrespectful of her future husband.

      1. Susanne,

        If it were a random act and no big deal then rape wouldn’t be a big deal – it would be an act with little or no moral significance. We know that rape is a monstrous act that takes something important from a woman which is why all civilized societies severely punish rape.

  7. Thank you so much for the testimonies. I’m 20. And this is so helpful to make the right decisions. Please, Mrs. Alexander, Keep teaching. We need this. We need more women like you to teach our generation.
    God bless you ! May you have a long life and keep teaching as long as God gives you the breath and the strength to do so.
    “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.” Revelation 12:11

  8. As often happens; agreeing with liberals for the wrong reasons. Virginity is a patriarchal concept, as Christianity is patriarchal from top to bottom, beginning to end. This is right and good, created and instituted by God and reflected by everyday inescapable reality. This is something to be embraced, not fought against to show that “no, we’re really good liberals just like you, we’re just misunderstood, let me show you we’re not patriarchal.”

    When one does this they are only ceding ground to the enemies of our faith and further eroding it. This is why we lose every battle we fight, it’s the old Chesterton quote about the business of conservatives being to conserve the last revolution of the progressives in action.

  9. Women saying that virginity does not matter are just like a shady used car salesman.

    Trying to make a man believe that the “used car” with 200,000 miles on it and lots of rust and dents has the same value as a “new car” that has never been driven.

    That the “used car” is actually of high value and a costly treasure.

    I am 59 and have nothing against non virgins, just don’t try to serve me cow manure for lunch and call it something tasty.

    All these non virgin women screaming that virginity does not matter are liars. Its just like being in the military and you are receiving a lot of incoming fire, it means you are on target.

  10. Lori:
    You are correct that fornication is a grave sin that causes harm to the heart and soul. A woman’s husband should be her only sexual partner. But sex before your wedding night with your intended is I think a different thing entirely, and I have seen many girls experience shame and anxiety because they got a little carried away with their fiancé.

    Physical attraction is a gift that helps seal the bond. Sometimes it’s a good thing if that happens before the wedding day. Our oldest daughter was being silly when her husband to be was ready to ask her to marry him. He had our blessing, but she was unsure because she had enrolled in the local junior college to start classes that fall. When I was sure the time was right for her that month, her father and I told him it was time to pull out all the stops to persuade her to give herself fully to him. Within three weeks she had a ring and a positive pregnancy test and had forgotten all about school. They’ve been married four years and are expecting their third.

    1. Fornication is always wrong and can even cause an engaged couple to break up. It’s never a good thing to happen before becoming man and wife. A wise woman will have the wedding ring on her finger and have said the “I dos” before giving away her virginity to any man.

    2. I am afraid that I I think it is very very dangerous to suggest that a woman (or indeed a couple) can lower their guard and slip into fornication just because they are engaged or worse ‘intend to marry’.

      How many girls have been sold that story ? How many engagements fail ? But worse almost than that is that it is beginning the relationship and even the marriage in sin and in the rejection of God’s commandment. How is that a good start ?

    3. No matter how you paint it, fornication is fornication and fornication is sin. We cannot do evil to achieve good. Just because the Lord has piety on us when we make foolish choices doesn’t mean it was his will because it is never his will for us to choose sin. I hope you aren’t suggesting this as advice to anyone because you are saying it is okay to sin if the person is her fiance.

  11. Quote: – I also left that boyfriend because in many ways, my culture at home and around me told me I could do better and find a better ‘well off’ suitor

    And that folks is 1 of the main reasons marriages are in trouble.

    Most woman are NOT going into marriages for love of their Christian husband.

    Most woman are entering marriages for business reasons.

    I see this in a lot of women, from 20 to 50+ year old women.

    They are “for sale” to the highest bidder.

    They enter a marriage to a man who was the highest bidder with how much money and position he has. Then when a better “offer” comes along, the woman dumps her husband and goes after a higher bidder.

    I know I will get a lot of flak from the feminists posing as Christians on here but it is the truth. I have seen and heard it myself.

    How much money do you make?

    How big is your pension?

    Stocks and bonds?

    Do you have a big house?

    Even women that are on government welfare say I am beneath them because they are GIVEN more free money than I EARN.

    I even hear a lot of older women telling younger women to make sure the guy has lots of money.

    Yes a man should be able to provide for his wife and his children, but no where in God’s word do I remember reading that God commands a certain money level for a man to be a husband.

    What would happen if Christians would be okay with Jesus Christ until a “better offer” would come along.

    Oh, that’s right. They already do that when Satan offers them his sinful pleasures for a season……..

    1. The standard that a lot of women have for men today is minimum six figure income. Also i’ve heard that every women want a man who make more money than them otherwise they can’t have respect for him. They always marry up and there’s an article saying that the reason why marriage is in the decline is because there is a shortage of economically attractive men. Most women today want to marry a man who is economically attractive but a lot of these women are not marriage material to begin with and are still getting divorce for dumb reasons.

      1. Reason 5,000 career women are unmarriageable and a girl living at home is of far higher value than the one with a college “education.”

    2. Please don’t assume this of all women and sell yourself short! While most women want stability, in my experience, the majority of women who would actually make a good wife (or often are even interested in getting married) are not just looking for the best financial deal they can get. I know a number of wonderful single Christian women seeking a loving, hardworking husband who wouldn’t care at all about how much money they made, but it feels like many men have just given up, believing they aren’t considered good enough for marriage. I can’t imagine the frustration of men being rejected so many times for such ridiculous reasons, but I promise that there are good women out there.

      1. NerdyWife – I think your diagnosis is wrong. It’s not that men don’t feel they are worthy of marriage. It’s actually far worse than that. Men have looked around at the current state of marriage to the modern western woman and decided it’s not worth the risk. Why put in all the effort to build themselves into marriageable men for the experience of: a sexless marriage, child support, not seeing their kids, alimony, losing half their assets, you get the idea. It does not take much for a man to be content and the potential downside is large. We are witnessing a large percentage of men doing enough to get by on their own and then do what makes them happy.

        So, what to do about the remnant of Godly women that, in theory, men should be lining up to put a ring on? They need to start marketing themselves as Godly, anti-feminist (but I repeat myself) women that yearn to be under the right man’s headship and make his life easier/better/more fulfilled. It’s their best chance, because they will need to overcome men being more and more skeptical of marriage itself.

        1. I definitely agree with you that disillusionment of the idea of marriage is a huge problem. (I’ve seen it among those women, too, many of whom have begun to give up on the idea of there being a good guy out there for them.) I pray often that the single godly men and women still out there will be able to find each other. Sadly, in a culture that has such little respect for marriage, it is very difficult. As a church, we must defend the ideal of Christian marriage and encourage both men and women to seek godliness–not so that they can find a spouse but because it is what God desires (which will also make them more marriagable).

          I do have to respectfully disagree that women need to do something to overcome men’s skepticism of marriage. Men should not put the effort in to become better men for the purpose of getting a wife but rather because growing in godliness is a command of God. Likewise, women should not put the effort on the become better women for the purpose of getting a husband but rather because growing in holiness is a command of God. (With that said, when we follow the commands of God, we are more likely to reap his blessings, including holy marriage.) That being said, for practical purposes, both men and women will do much better at finding a spouse if they carefully display godly traits. From personal experience, I know as a shy woman who wanted to be pursued by and submit to my future husband, I found it challenging to market myself. By the same token, my now husband took a while to find someone as he was worried he was not good enough and struggled to put himself out there.

          1. Nerdy Wife – First, displaying Godly traits is another way of saying “marketing yourself” to try and find a Godly husband. Second, growing in Godliness is a given, because we are called to do that. The kicker is you can grow in Godliness and be single. This is where my general advice to women to market themselves becomes important. 2 generations of men in the church have seen other men get hurt badly by divorce and they know that the divorce laws are highly stacked against them. Overcoming this is what women are up against on the whole. I believe church membership is already skewed female, so if you are a Godly woman looking for a husband in the church, demographics are already not in your favor. Remove a few more eligible men from the mix because they are skeptical of what marriage currently is and it comes to this for women who wish to be married. If you are passive and do not adequately show that you would be a Godly, submissive wife your chances of marrying are lower than if you are active in showing a man that you will be a Godly, submissive wife. It’s that simple.
            So what does this look like? Ladies, if you have a guy in mind, learn about him. Find out what he likes and dislikes and put some work into making yourself more into those things he likes. If you find yourself thinking why should I have to to that, you will not like being a submissive wife and man’s helpmeet.
            I have close family friends that have 2 daughters in their late 30s and early 40s. Both still long to be married and have children and are vocal about this on social media. They continue to expect a man to find them but neither is willing to change their approach and the results continue to be the same. Now their chance of having biological children is getting quite small as is their chance of finding a man that they find attractive. Would things have been different for them if they had actively displayed that they were Godly women and worked to make themselves into something a man would want? Maybe not, but their odds would have been better.

          2. Realistic Optimist–Thank you for the clarification! I think we were talking about the same thing but with different words and I misunderstood you. That is excellent advice!

  12. One way to avoid a lifelong struggle with shame resulting from sexual promiscuity is to not be sexually promiscuous.

    And guys, the older you get, and the clearer understanding you have of God’s design for sex, the more vivid the shame becomes and the harder it is to rest in the fact that Christ bore that shame on the cross, and his death atoned for those sexual sins you committed in your youth.

  13. It’s not a Patriarchal concept. Virginity is for men and women. I do seem so value in her teaching as far as
    “Sex is important. It’s a big deal. It should always be a big deal. It has nothing to do with your first time…”
    Sex is a big deal and it should always be a big deal. You should save it for marriage and continue to keep it in the confines of marriage.
    I’ve had more than a few Christian friends who fell short as teens and had sex outside of marriage and at much too young of an age. At that point, the attitude was, “well, I’m damaged goods. What difference does having sex with someone else make?” No. you’ve fornicated and sinned. You need to repent and seek forgiveness, But your worth as a person is still intact and you should still view ‘sex and with whom you are having it as a big deal.’ So, while she isn’t teaching the marriage part – I agree with the self worth part and the it’s always a big deal part.

    1. Sure, your worth as a person is in tact and you can repent of this sin and be forgiven by God just like any other sin. However, the consequences are still there, you still have become less appealing as a wife and are likely to be passed over for a virgin by a quality man. Not to mention the very real lifelong damage that is done to a women by having multiple sex partners, her damaged ability to pair bond, etc. Also, it is equally sinful for man and woman to engage in fornication but the permanent temporal consequences are not the same, they are significantly less for men, by a large margin.

      It is indeed a patriarchal concept. Christianity is patriarchal, the guarding of a daughters virginity has always been a primary duty of the father, protecting the chastity of the wife has always been a primary duty of a husband. It is patriarchal and it is good, God is the creator of patriarchy and it must be embraced by all His people.

    2. Thank you, Katherine! I feel like this nuance often gets missed. Yes, it’s a sin with real consequences, but that doesn’t make it an unforgivable sin or make it alright to keep doing it. God, in his grace, has freed us from our sins, and there is never a point in our lives where we cannot turn from our sins and run to him.

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