What About Him?

What About Him?

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In all the years I have been mentoring women, frequently I have women asking me, “Well, what about him? Doesn’t he have to do this and that, too? What about Ephesians 5:25? He’s called to love me as Christ loves the Church and he isn’t so I can disobey, disrespect, and be the leader in the home since he isn’t obeying God, so there!” No, they don’t add the last part but this is in essence what they are saying when they say, “What about him?”

Women, this is what caused Ken and me to have a difficult marriage for 23 years. I was continually thinking about how he should act and speak to me, instead of working on myself. You aren’t responsible for your husband’s behavior. He is. You are only responsible for your own, regardless of how your husband behaves. God calls us to have a godly lifestyle and this doesn’t depend upon our husband. The Lord doesn’t say to respect our husbands, but only if they are respectable. Obey your husbands, only if they are perfect in every way. (Sarah was known for obeying Abraham and he sure wasn’t perfect! 1 Peter 3:6) Please your husbands but only if they please you. Love him only if he loves and adores you. I am sure you learned when you were growing up that two wrongs never equaled a right! How come you forgot?

One day, you will have to stand before the King of kings and give an answer for the way you lived and you can’t say to Him, “Well, my husband didn’t love me like you loved the Church?” This will be meaningless on that day. We are only responsible for our actions and our obedience to the Lord. Respect your husband even if he isn’t acting respectable. Do you realize what a powerful witness this is to him of Christ living in you? Obey him, even when he is not perfect. Please him even if he isn’t pleasing you. This is called heaping burning coals upon his head. These burning coals have the ability to soften the hardest heart so faith can grow. Love him even if he says he doesn’t love you. Care more about his eternal soul than your short-term “happiness” since happiness is fleeting.

Life isn’t about you and doing things your own way and waiting for others to be obedient to the Lord before you’re obedient. No, life is about the Lord and doing things the Lord’s way even if no one else is being obedient since you will shine like a bright light in a dark world. Love the Lord and His ways more than your rights, emotions, and feelings. Trust that He knew what He was doing when He created you to be your husband’s help meet and follow your husband. If he is not a believer, memorize 1 Peter 3:1-6, and fight for his eternal soul by doing things God’s ways. Then, just maybe, you will one day have a marriage that is strong and brings glory to the Lord.

Here is the patience of the saints:
here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus.

Revelation 14:12

26 thoughts on “What About Him?

  1. This is so true! We must remember to look to the cross because there we will see our Savior loving us when we didn’t love Him, giving for us when we gave nothing to Him, and pouring out blessings on us when we were cursing Him. My husband’s behavior never makes me act in a certain way, I choose how to respond and by the power of His Spirit I can choose to respond in love and reverence. Thank you for this wonderful reminder!

  2. I always feel so blessed when I read posts like this. My mother was a perfect example of this, my father had a very terrible childhood, and my mom was his calming safe place. She never asked why he didn’t do something for her or whatever, she just loved him and us. I always said that my dad loved his children with his whole being and the only human he loved more was my mom. We have been a bit lost since he died, but I watch in my marriage the same thing. My husband’s friends are always questioning him about how I don’t want birthday presents, I don’t expect him to do anything for me, all I want is for him to be a good man and love us. I am very lucky. I was injured a few years ago and our house was a bit chaotic. I joked the other day (he forgot to give our youngest her allergy medicine) that the house would fall apart without me. He said, “I have been trying to tell you that for years!” He was serious and I told him it would fall apart without him too. I am not really sure if my post has a point, but thank you.

    1. It did make a point, Kathy. Husbands and wives need each other because our homes and lives run much more smoothly when we are both fulfilling our God-ordained roles for us and not trying to manage our spouse’s life.

      Blessings!

  3. Thank you for speaking the truth of God’s Word. It is so sad that I hear this all the time from Christian wives. The sad thing is, this is what their preachers are preaching, that if the men are not doing their part then the woman have an excuse not to do their part. Its so crazy because that is contrary from what God’s Word says. We are accountable for ourselves and we are to obey God no matter what our circumstance is. Thank you for encouraging us in God’s ways.

    1. You’re welcome, Alisha, and we must measure everything we hear, even from Pastors, to the Word of God. We all are accountable for ourselves and how we chose to or not obey the Lord in all that we do.

  4. Certainly your post is once again spot on, and in working with men on the other side of the marriage equation we can understand when a wife is somewhat reluctant to jump in and do 100% of her part when the man is being a real jerk, or not making any efforts to love his wife. What is so frustrating to the godly guys I mentor is how their wives can make up every excuse in the books to avoid growing up and maturing in the relationship. How they can not only focus on the smallest of things that will give them the excuses they need to sit back and stop trying to fulfill their Christian wife responsibilities, but worse yet are the artificial barriers that are made up to keep the guys under their control and intimacy far away.

    Certainly there can be emotional and psychological issues that affect how a wife relates to her husband, the pattern with a difficult wife often finds the same pattern traced by to her relationship to her Mom and Dad, especially her Dad. Satan burrows into her mind and emotions certain protection mechanisms that she at times unwittingly carries out throughout the day, finding fault and excuses that keep her from her own stated Christian values of loving her husband, respecting him, and just being pleasant and nice to him.

    My appeal to the women here would be to first decide if indeed you are sold out for your Lord Jesus and will follow Him wherever He takes you, including into a sanctifying relationship with the man you chose to marry, kind and generous, or difficulty. Second, for a whole set of Christian women you are married to really good godly guys who would love to experience a wonderful intimate and connected marriage, but it can’t happen if it is always on your terms. Again, back to obeying what God says and a marriage will grow and flourish even with two imperfect people.

    Last, and most importantly, if you are finding that you are always making excuses to yourself, your husband, and your Lord for why your husband is at fault for your marriage being stagnant or dead, then consider looking in the mirror. Sure, go ahead and make a list of your husband’s qualities and the reasons you married him, but overall when you make that next excuse, realize that that is all it is. Just an excuse to get out of fulfilling what your own values tell you you should be doing.

    And some women are masters at excuses. “I can’t feel close to you when you don’t discipline our son the way I think you should?”

    “How do you expect me to not yell and cuss when you are so frustrating at times?”

    “You know I am busy with three children all day. How can you expect a meal on the table every night and sex regularly?”

    The list is endless, and as soon as the excuse from Satan appears in their head they then go off and do whatever they want, with no regard to what their Lord has asked of them.

    I am working with three godly good guys right now whose wives are nothing but a set of one moving excuse after another. They have tried doing all they can to meet the excuses and resolve them, but then the excuse changes. They have tried standing up to their wives and calling them out when they don’t live up to their values. No matter what they do they only find a wife running back to her excuses, because really, she does not want a connected marriage, no matter how much she thinks she does. Satan and sin has planted lies from their pasts that keep them from connecting, and even when they see them exposed clearly they run to them instead of away from them.

    There is always a solution, and the solution is to find Jesus for real. To learn to trust Him at His Word and obey what He has prescribed for us. To walk in the newness of life that He gives to every Believer the moment they believe. But to do so requires faith and following after Christ with no more excuses. After all, God gave us a User manual that is complete and in order to have a fulfilling life and wonderful marriage, all we have to do is walk in His ways without excuses.

    1. We keep praying for these wives that they will want to obey the Lord and love their husbands as they are called to do. They will never find peace and joy until they are living in obedience to the Lord.

      Love you!

  5. The thing neither husband or wife should have expectations of the other that only leads to disappointment and problems. The issue is that as both H and W are obedient to God they need to keep in perspective the values Christ has for us to have for each other. Being one of those guys here I am sure Ken is referring to I can write this. When men feel respected from their wives they would jump over the moon for them. I personally have 3 jobs. 1 full time and 2 part time and that’s my choice. I don’t want a medal for it. Just respect as in the same respect I give to my wife for what she does around the home. My wife’s role at home is no less important that mine but I help at home. I do dishes and laundry and vacuum when I can because I know how exhausting it can be to be home and working all day.

    But when all of the sudden we as men are not super heroes we get into trouble at home. When I get home from work I can barely remember my own name from exhaustion and yet I shower and get ready for my next job. And all I want is to be respected.

    I am not a man who likes excuses. For any married woman who reads this comment remember this. As I have been married 16 years so I can say this: If you show respect for your husband on a regular basis, he will want to come home and and again jump over the moon for you 🙂

    1. The problem is that you keep jumping over the moon and nothing seems to change. A stay at home mom’s job isn’t that exhausting unless she makes that way and has many, many children. Ask all the wives who have a full time job and keeping home.

      Certainly we men need to be faithful in doing what we can to show our love and consideration for our wives, but it does them no service to talk about exhausting jobs as SAHM’s unless shes has 3-4 young children running around. Disrespect is an awful thing in any relationship, but it comes from a heart attitude that is set right by an outward focus on Jesus and others. One cannot bear fruit in a life without an outward focus that puts others first, and me second, or third or sixth.

  6. I completely agree with this post and try to stay focused on how to improve myself.
    I have a question though for Ken.
    Ken,
    Out of any of the men you mentor do you ever spot time where you find them making excuses to not lead or perform their biblical duties? Do you ever hear the wife’s side of the story or just the men’s interpretation of what is going on at home? Also, in the case of the excuse making wives, do you tell these men they are still called to love them despite their difficult attitudes and ways?

    1. Hi Meg,

      I have been a consultant and trained in counseling for more than 35 years. I am not going to accept excuses from the husbands for not leading, and I would be curious to know what you would consider not leading or performing their Biblical duties. The reality of God’s Word to husbands is that they are to love their wives, be patient with them and kind, treat them as weaker vessels, don’t deprive them of sex or push away their sexual advances. Apart from that they are to some day present their wife before the Lord as sanctified, if one wants to carry the analogy of Christ and His church that far.

      So although these are great targets, the Bible does not give many specific instructions as at how a Christian husband is to lead. Some may lead by allowing his wife to be the engine of the family, even hand him the Bible at the dinner table to read and have devotions with the family. Some may delegate many things to the helper, check book, many decisions, etc. and still be well within the Biblical mandate to lead. Some may lead strongly and in amore authoritarian manner.

      A definition of good leadership is to accomplish established goals with the least amount of control or direction necessary to get the job done. I lead a number of organizations and some team members ask me what I do because they can’t see much of my leadership except showing up every couple months. But behind the scenes I am insuring that the business stays healthy, things get done well, and we are achieving our goals. A good way to know if you are leading well is to ask yourself the question, “Am I a cheerleader or a grump?”

      As far as the wife’s side of the story, of the three I was referring to above, one couple came and visited us for four days and spent hours telling us her story. Another did ask for mentoring from Lori, and exchanges, but did not follow through on what she already knew she needed to do. I asked if we could get on the phone with her to talk directly to her, but my understanding is she refuses. The last one is the newest and we have been trying for three months to try to get her to talk to Lori or to me, but she has no interest.

      As far as loving their wives despite their difficult attitudes, that is the first steps a husband must take in my opinion to try and win his difficult wife. I challenge my guys to go ahead and play marriage her way and love her and go the extra mile for her while at the same time setting simple Biblical ground rules for the marriage.

      1. No yelling, cussing or saying unkind and mean things… respect.

      2. If a spouse is doing something sinful in the marriage call them on it. Be nice about it, but say something. That is the church at work.

      3. If a husband says the discussion s now over, honor it, and don’t keep going on and on, and arguing and trying to get your way. Bring it up again at another time, but give it some space and reflection time before bringing it up.

      The interesting things that I have found with those Christian men who seek my help having read Lori’s blog, is that if they do the above, within 6-12 weeks their wives will see their sin clearly and all three of these wives have said in a softer reflective moment something like, “I know I am the problem and I can’t believe you still love me and want to stay with me.”

      This can be said multiple times, yet they are right back into their sins as soon as they are triggered or are just in a bad mood, which seems to be constant. “Well this is the way I am, so love me without trying to change me.”

      What all three of these wives need is to submit to their husband and follow his lead as he knows them best and can help them resolve their issues. When they do this, things go quite well, until the husband does something or says something that usually is not in any way sinful, or mean, or difficult, just not to their liking.

      If I told you some of the things these wives were doing you would ask why these men stay with them. It is precisely because they are honoring their marriage vows as best they can, as 2 of the 3 women are just plain mean sometimes. Yet, the husband’s keep trying to win their wives, but they have no promise from God that this can be accomplished. Each of these wives goes to church, 2 of the 3 have daily devotions, and they know they are mean at times and quite difficult, but they claim the blood of Jesus and His transforming power, even as it appears impotent in their lives. They are deceived by their own baggage of lies, many of them from their childhood. Counseling lasts for a few weeks then they make up excuses why they can’t go back, and really none of these couples can afford it. Long story, but you have a better picture now.

      If you have answers to these women and how to reach them I am all ears as there seems to be bunches of them in the church. And we don’t have a church discipline system anymore that can call out consistent egregious sin for what it and withhold fellowship. They can just jump to church or jump into a Christian chat room and feel good about who they are, yet miss the most major commands of their calling from their Lord and Savior. Baffling… but the guys keep plugging away. One couple did recently separate.

      1. Hi Meg, just to answer your question about my wife’s side of the story. I encourage my wife to always speak to Lori or communicate with her as often as she can. Absolutely there are always 2 sides to every situation. I love my wife and think she is the most beautiful woman in the world, but she really struggles with respecting me and my decisions a lot in front of the kids etc.

        My wife has all the freedom in the world and I want her to talk to Lori or any other Christian woman for encouragement. Marriage is a two way street meaning both H and W have their roles to follow The wife’s role in the marriage is not any less than the H. It’s just different. But the H and W when firing on all cylinders so to speak there should be harmony in the home. Anyway Meg I just wanted you to know that there has been conversation with Lori and my wife, and I encourage it as much as possible

  7. Thank you once again Lori for speaking truth. I have learned so much and even though I have been married for 32 years, I am soaking up everything you teach and growing and trying to be a Godly wife. So much room for improvement and am now understanding what it really means to love as Jesus loves. Your are a blessing…keep it up. And by the way I love your book!

    1. Thank you, Nancy! When I write my posts, I am usually learning from it since truth always convicts, even the one writing it!

      I love hearing that women are enjoying my book. All the time and energy put into it is well worth it if ministers to the women I love teaching.

      Blessings!

  8. Here is Greek scholar Kenneth Samuel Wuest’s (1893–1962) point about heaping coals on another’s head:
    “In Bible times an oriental needed to keep his hearth fire going all the time in order to insure fire for cooking and warmth. If it went out, he had to go to a neighbour for some live coals of fire. These he would carry on his head in a container, oriental fashion, back to his home. The person who would give him some live coals would be meeting his desperate need and showing him an outstanding kindness. If he would heap the container with coals, the man would be sure of getting some home still burning. The one injured would be returning kindness for injury.” (World Wide Web)

    Ken and Lori,

    My husband and I, too, are deeply grieved by the “excuses” we hear from spouses today. Our testimony is much like yours. It was when I noticed older couples’ vivid adoration for each other that I began hungering for that. What is it that makes him cherish her so? I wanted that, but I had been stuck in my own perspective so long, I thought I could just expect and nag and assume that my husband would make the necessary changes and an adoring marital relationship would be mine.

    Well, I learned that I can’t nag my husband into leading (which would have involved his setting me straight and putting me firmly in my place!), that expectation greases the wheels of frustration and assumption greases the wheels of offense.

    When a woman hungers deeply enough for the godly, loving marriage she sees others have, there will come a day when, as I did, she looks at her own reflection in a mirror and says, “YOU are this marriage’s biggest problem.” Pride is lethal to marriage.

    The blame gameboard and all its pieces was thrown into the trash. Mama had to put her big girl panties on and clean up her 20 year-long act. I will never forget the look of shock on my good husband’s face the first time I apologized for speaking disrespectfully to him. Miraculously he did not pass out.

    As I chose to move toward God and His Light, shining into the dark, cobwebbed places I’d either never visited or hadn’t laid eyes on in years, my husband changed. Or was it that he’d been in there all along, only I had so mutilated and suffocated his willingness to love me wildly and fervently as only a man can really love his woman?

    As I chose to change, to yield, to try God’s way and see, just see if it might work, my husband got a new wife. See, he is such an excellent husband that I decided he deserved an excellent wife, so I gave him one, me– or at least I’m working on her.

    It’s amazing the differences in the old wife I was and the new wife I am becoming. And in my husband?! He opens the car door for his new wife. He jumps over the moon AND the stars for his new wife. He gives his new wife “days off.” He brags about his new wife to others. You should see her smile when he does that. Makes her feel so good, she wishes she’d been the first one to marry him rather than that old hag he was married to before me.

    Yeah, what about him?! That’s an excellent question. I ask my young brides sometimes, “What’s it like being married to you?” When’s the last time you really thought about HIM?! Nobody twisted your arm to marry him!

    OK, I’m putting the soapbox away. *wink*

    Keep up the good work, folks. I KNOW it’s helping many.

    Kelley~

  9. I’m so grateful for your blog. There are so few resources I’ve come across that are willing to call out the hard things when trying to learn how to be submissive. The advice seems to be: “Let him lead” and “respect him.” Frankly, that doesn’t cut it for someone who can’t visualize the basics of what that looks like, can’t understand why it doesn’t seem to be working, and doesn’t see what she’s doing wrong.

    It should be enough for us to read the Bible and take its instruction but as wives we find it so easy to excuse the application towards our husbands. Obey God!

    Many women are easily offended and twist the words and intentions of their husbands. The Bible says a fool takes offense. How very foolish it is to turn a compliment into an insult as many women are very good at doing. Example: Husband: “You look nice today.” Wife: “You don’t think I look nice everyday!?”

    Many women have no will to control their emotions. Whether a hot temper, pouty tears, or grumbling wrath. God tells us He gives us a spirit of self control. No excuses!

    Many women know very little about what it means to respect their husbands practically, not just in their hearts on occasion or when he’s done something to make her happy. No, daily, whether he’s in a good or bad mood, whether he’s right or wrong, whether he’s gentle or harsh in his tone. He may have slipped up, but that’s never license for the wife to do the same. A gentle answer turns away wrath. Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.

    Some women are just plain mean as they gossip and slander whether to or about their husbands. “I have 3 kids and one is my husband.” … “You/He never (fill in the blank).” …”You/He always (fill in the blank).”

    Bottom line, the desire to control is at the heart of all those above symptoms. It doesn’t matter if the desire to control these things appears to comes from love or hate. Neither is ok when we are commanded to submit in everything. Control doesn’t always look mean. Control can be disguised in a gentle request that happens often(nagging!) Control can be patient and persistent. Control can appear to be all manner of loving intentions, but control is what it remains. This was my experience and why I needed to be directed toward my pride because I couldn’t find fault with my presentation style.

    My personal struggles I’ve since submitted to him in and have freed him and myself from the burden…Wanting to control what time he goes to bed, how late he sleeps in, how he spends his time after work, how much he helps around the house, how timely he is to attending to your requests, how much he exercises, what hairstyle he wants, decluttering his belongings…yikes! How exhausting!

    It was a challenge to recognize these things. I had to examine myself, consider the topics of contention between us, name them and give them up. Guess whose life improved? His and mine!

    I pray for the freedom from the sin of wives’ control over their husbands. It’s a slow death for a husband and a terrible foothold wives give to the enemy.

  10. So even if you are honorable and respectable towards your husband, but they constantly yell at you, what does one do? It’s difficult in the flesh to submit to someone who yells at you and your children. I understand we are to submit but at times I find myself with a massive headache because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong for him to lash out at me. What advice would you give in a situation like this?

    1. I am assuming you are a Christian here. First of all, consider the possibility that you are not doing as good as you think you are. This may sound harsh but I want you to consider it carefully. Please don’t take my tone as harsh because it is not, I am just very plain spoken.

      Quit being your husbands enemy and he will quit treating you like one. If your husband is yelling at you, maybe it’s because you are not listening to him the first (10) times he tells you something. Do what he says the first time and he will not have to repeat it louder next time. Believe me when I tell you that he does not want to be yelling any more than you want him yelling but that is what overwhelming frustration does to some men. I am not saying it’s right; it’s wrong but it’s reality.

      When a man shows anger, it’s often his reaction to pain and/or frustration. If he is directing his anger towards you, then you are most likely causing him pain and/or blocking his goals. His angry reactions are sinful (no doubt), but without your sinful actions (contention, disobedience, rebellion) being there in the first place, he would have nothing to wrongly react to. Christian women need to understand that THEY are most often causing the problems in their marriage. They are not obeying God and treating their husband properly (as God has commanded) and are thereby the root cause of the marital problems.

      Are you tired of arguing with your husband? Then (do what Lori did with Ken and) quit arguing with him. It really is that simple. Ladies, you hold the keys to your successful (or horrible) marriage. Even if your man has the patience of Job and can suffer silently in the face of all of your sin (contention and disrespect and disobedience and rebellion and pride and stubbornness), your marriage will still not be blessed and experience true intimacy until you start doing it right (God’s way).

      Many men can’t do that (suffer silently) by the way, but even if they are not outspoken about it, that does not mean that you are not hurting them. You are just killing them slowly like one of the posters above said. He is not exaggerating one bit. It is a slow and excruciatingly painful death living with a woman who claims to be a Christian but acts like the devil and no matter what the man does it will never get better until you start doing it right.

      What is doing it right? Listen to what Lori and Debi Pearl are trying to teach you about what God commands you.

      Start with RESPECT. (Eph. 5:33) Look it up in the dictionary and learn what it means. Admire them, think highly of them and treat them well. If your husband felt respected by you, it is hard to imagine that he would be yelling at you. Men tend to give respect where they get it.

      SUBMIT to your husband in EVERYTHING. (Eph. 5:22) Seriously, what is not included in EVERYTHING. The only thing is sin. If he is asking you to go and rob banks and kill people with him and be Bonnie to his Clyde, then meekly, gently and respectfully tell him that you cannot do that because it violates Gods word and quote the scripture verses and then ask him if there is some other activity that you guys can do together because you love spending time with him but robbing and murder violates Gods commands. Other than sin, everything means EVERYTHING. If you are submitting to your husband in everything, what could he possibly have to yell at you about about?

      How seriously are you supposed to submit to him in everything? Just as you would to Jesus Christ Himself. (Eph. 5:24) Are you treating your husband the same way (honor, obedience, meekness, gentleness, respect, reverence) that you would treat Jesus if he were physically living in the same house with you? Heck, a lot of women don’t even treat their husbands with the same kindness they would treat some random stranger with but just can’t for the life of them figure out why their husbands don’t shower them with love and affection. Some women (ones with passive-aggressive personalities) can be very kind and agreeable to their husbands on the surface but drive them utterly insane with their subversive actions. If you were treating your husband like you would treat Jesus, would he really be yelling at you?

      Again, the bottom line, quit being your husbands enemy and he will quit treating you like one. Become his true helpmeet and he will start treating you like a rare and precious gift to be cherished. He will treat you as if your value is far above rubies because at that point, it will be.

    2. Sorry, another, I am just seeing your comment. Certainly when we have any issues in our relationships we should first look in the mirror and try to ensure that we are doing all we can to avoid being the source of frustration for the other person. What Trey writes was indeed partially my experience with Lori that I lived with a sense of frustration from her difficult ways over many years, so when something would happen, even the smallest of things, it would set me off… not yelling, but my response was not appropriate or God-pleasing. It was my responsibility, which I took seriously, to look in the mirror and work with Lori to solve my sin and the way I responded to her, even if she still did frustrating things at times.

      You are in a tougher position in that unless your husband recognizes that his yelling is inappropriate, no matter what, he will keep yelling. We each have to own our stuff as that is the beginning of change and healing.

      You can try to gently get your husband to see the need for change. To do this requires a quite and perhaps close moment where you bring up the subject without accusation or demands. If it was me I might say, “I know that you are often frustrated with me, and I would like to work on that with you. What do you think I could do to help from getting you frustrated? Or is your frustration coming from a combination of things? Whatever I need to do to try to help alleviate your frustrations with me I would like to try to work on.”

      Hopefully, he will acknowledge that not all his frustration comes from you or what you do, or admits that he has to own his own bad behaviors, but generally if you are willing to be open to his constructive criticisms and work on them in a meaningful way, apologizing quickly when you blow it, he too will see his sins and begin to work on them.

      I can tell you that I initiated the conversation with Lori and even asked her to hold me accountable for my frustration with her, but also asked if she would accept accountability for the things she does which often triggered the frustration. Just being able to call her out when she was disrespectful or was not keeping her commitments helped alleviate some of my frustrations, but in all honesty, years and years of feeling smothered and disrespected by a wife do not generally disappear quickly. It took a systematic change on Lori’s part before I began to realize that now I was the problem, not her. That I was carrying the baggage of past frustrations and the stresses of my work by making her feel the sting of my unkind responses when she did something or said something wrong. We worked together to solve this.

      The greatest tool Lori used to help me get over my frustration was to first convince me she really wanted to stop being a difficult and frustrating wife, but also the kind and gentle responses she gave me to me unkindness. Her response often had me apologizing within minutes and learning to overcome my frustration with her. After about a year most of the frustrations were completely gone.

      I hope this helps. Try talking to your husband about these things and try to help him find the root of his frustration. If it has not much to do with you, then help him see that clearly. If it has to do with something you can change, then prove to him you are working towards this. Also, having daily devotions together can be very helpful in setting the right direction and mood for the relationship. Much affection can also help. Ultimately, we all have our own stuff and sins, so it may be he needs another godly guy who he can meet with to work this through.

  11. I see that you have removed my post here, and another post from some months ago — you may want to consider making your blog accessible only to those who have membership if you feel the need to censor those whose opinions, though biblical and always respectful, do not agree with yours. I realize that many only feel comfortable with those who are “like-minded”. You will not have to worry about me contributing further — I will not comment on either of your blogs again, and I fully expect that you will delete this post as well.

    1. When a bunch of feminists started agreeing with your comment, I decided I needed to read your comment more carefully and then I deleted it. I never counsel women how their husbands are to behave since I teach women and some are married to disobedient husbands. They can’t change them. Their prescription is 1 Peter 3:1-6 and this is what I teach. I don’t allow views that are contrary to this. If you want to teach men how they should behave, go to a blog written by a man and for men.

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