Young Women Need to Pursue Godly Femininity

Young Women Need to Pursue Godly Femininity

Many men no longer want to get married. There are few virtuous women who want to be help meets for their husbands anymore. There are few women who want to have children and be the ones home raising them. There are few who are covenantkeepers and understand that love and marriage are commitments and have nothing whatsoever to do with emotions and feelings. (Don’t believe me? Read 1 Corinthians 13 and God’s definition of love.) I can see it in my children’s generations. Very few of my friend’s children are getting married and if they do, they aren’t having children or are “putting it off.”

Feminism is reaping the ugly fruit they have sown. They have torn apart marriages and the family unit – the building blocks of any healthy society. Women scare men these days. They can marry these men, refuse to give them sex and use it as a manipulation tool to get what they want, divorce them when they are “unhappy,” and take half of the men’s wealth and their children. It’s not a good deal for men.

We are shown from the beginning of time that a woman’s desire will be to rule her husband (Genesis 3:16). We are given multiple verses in Proverbs about quarreling and contentious women and warned that a foolish woman can tear her home down with her own hands. But then we are told in Proverbs 31:10, “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” This means that virtuous women are difficult to find.

I have fathers write me and ask me for suggestions where their godly daughters can find godly men. I have men write me and ask where they can find godly women. I don’t have an easy answer because even in most churches, the young women aren’t being taught biblical womanhood. They aren’t being taught to have meek and quiet spirits, to be shamefaced, modest, and chaste. They aren’t being taught what a godly help meet looks like since most have never been modeled it before. There are few older women teaching the young women biblical womanhood. Many young women don’t want to hear it because it clashes so deeply with their feminists mindset that they’ve been raised with.

I don’t think godly men should be giving up on marriage. They need to be looking for that virtuous woman whose price is far above rubies. We need more godly offspring in this world, not less. If he finds a godly woman, he won’t have to worry about her divorcing him and taking his children away. “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:11, 12).

He needs to seek the Lord for wisdom in finding this godly woman and young women need to seek to be godly and prepared to be good help meets for their husbands. Older women need to begin teaching biblical womanhood (Titus 2:3-5) to the young women in their churches. Once young women are being raised in godliness, more men will be attracted to women since the women won’t be fighting and in competition with the men but will have meek and quiet spirits while being feminine and what God calls women to be.

Women need to begin attracting men again, not in a sexual, feminist way but in a chaste, godly way. When I was in high school, I dated two guys long-term. They weren’t believers but they knew I had strict standards concerning sexual morality. Even though both of them had had sex with other girls before me, it’s me who they wanted to marry and be with. They appreciated my standards and my desire to be feminine and a woman, not a feminists. If unbelieving young men were attracted to this, then certainly young, godly men will be, too.

Young women need to be taught what marriage, love, and commitment are all about and it has nothing to do with feelings and emotions. They need to learn to live sacrificial lives instead of selfish, self-centered lives. They must learn the joy and value in giving their lives away instead of getting. They must be taught the selflessness of bearing and raising children full time – storing their treasures in heaven and finding joy in this important ministry. They must learn to accept and appreciate their husbands for being men and what God has called them to do. The Church needs to wake up before marriage is dead, and teaching young women biblical womanhood is the most important first step towards waking it up.

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

*Painting by Susan Rios

49 thoughts on “Young Women Need to Pursue Godly Femininity

  1. I wish women would be more feminine as well! Sad today’s generation are raised to be “Nasty Women” instead of ladies like in past eras! Femininity does indeed need a huge comeback in today’s fallen society!

  2. I agree that it’s scary being a man today. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to grow up today in such a world that is so confused. My friend joked that she wanted to take her kids and move into a commune with other like-minded people. Only I think she was a bit serious because I’ve thought the same thing.

    Since we have no kids to teach up close, we hope that we’re subtle teachers in public. My husband opens and closes doors for me, including the car. We speak kindly, we hold hands, we look our part as man & woman, & we smile & laugh a lot because we truly enjoy each other. We also pray before the rare occasion when we eat out.
    As a teen girl, I remember envying the girls that had gentlemanly boyfriends that weren’t cussing & crude.
    My husband recently met a boy in our neighborhood while out walking our dog. He & his friends were waiting for the school bus and wanted to pet our pup. The boy told my husband that he saw him walking P every morning from his kitchen window while he was eating breakfast. He said, “That’s good for your health and it makes your dog happy. When I grow up, that’s how I’m going to be.” I told my husband that he was having an positive influence without even knowing it. Kids are watching. I hope that when they see us, we’re good role models.

  3. Beautiful … I am teaching my daughters to be keepers at home to love to work in the home. I have had struggles in my marriage due to the past mindset I had. This caused a lot of division and bickering in my home. I can honestly say when you want to change God will perform a miracle and heal your wants and desires toward your marriage and home. It may not come over night but it will come with a desire to please God and to have peace in your home. My marriage gets better and better and I Praise the Lord for the peace that he brings in our lives by obedience. We have trials and sickness that comes our way but he has been with us every step of the way.

    Happy New Year to Everyone ?

    May this new year be a new start for you and your precious families.

  4. Hi there Lori, I couldn’t find this post on your Facebook page and wondered if all is okay! You and yours are in my prayers daily; I hope all is well.

  5. What are your, and the bibles view on these modern “mega churches”. Where women are on stage, singing and dancing, waving their arms all over the place, jumping up and down? Not at all feminine! How can young men find a “ruby” in a church such as this?

  6. What happens to women who come from good, godly Christian families but are intellectually disabled? One young woman I am aware of is definitely not quiet and meek! She loves God though with all of her heart. And very sadly will never be able to marry, live independently or have children.

  7. Thank you Lori for this exhortation! I am so very thankful to have the privilege of raising children in the way they should go. My children are still young but they are a delight and look forward to being a mommy of lots of babies and a “Christian and a Dada”. My young daughter whom I homeschool constantly asks me to teach her to be a mommy and practices on her dolls. My young son is learning to be a man and as I type learning to check the oil out in the cold gas station with Daddy while my daughter and I stay warm in the car.

    It may be hard work being a wife and mommy but I see the fun more than the work. For any young women who may be afraid to let go of the feminist lies I assure you, there is nothing more rewarding than the blessing of family. And it is a lot of fun too!

  8. I love the thought of quiet women! To often you see them in some churches jumping everywhere, and at sports which is definitely not lady like, and I dare say, not pleasing in God’s sight. It seems wrong to see them in such awful, revealing clothes. Not modest, or feminine at all.

  9. Great post, Lori, perfect for the new year. I am that man that many times had to stop talking with a woman, because I clearly saw she wasn’t into having children, and didn’t recognize God as the guiding influence in her life. I got frustrated and turned towards very perverse sins, and was punished. I wanted to excuse myself by saying, “But God, I looked for decades for a woman to marry, and I couldn’t find her”, but I have to look at Joseph, who was in far harder circumstances than me, and stayed faithful and resisted temptation still, and all my excuses die away, and I recognize my own wretched heart needs to be refined. After all, our greatest enemy is our own sins, and that goes for men and women in marriage.

    I once heard a lesson given by a very influential preacher, and he began by admitting that he and his wife fought a lot. He then went on to say that there were members in the audience that were probably thinking ‘But Tom, why are you telling us this’. He said, ‘Because, we fight the evil in ourselves that keeps us from fighting each other’. Profound point I never forgot. I heard another preacher say that if a marriage doesn’t work, it’s because one or both of the spouses are on their way to hell.

    Thank you for your posts. There are many wealthy, powerful, and prestigious men and women, who despise God, and would love to have women continue to be slaves at some job, drudging away, forsaking their Godly inheritance of serving God either singly, or in marriage, and having kids. Hopefully men and women will recognize that the design of the sex drive was for marriage and children, and that there are consequences for defying God’s design, individually and societally. Hopefully we will repent, before the full weight of God’s wrath comes on America for her horrible whoredoms and wicked ways.

  10. As a husband and father I must daily gather the family to pray, read the Bible, catechise, and lead them. I have to be the “bad guy” and say we will not be a video game, Netflix, social media, smartphone addicted family. In the future it will be telling my now young children to follow God’s way when everyone else we know has gone the way of the world. We truly live in the most enticing version of Vanity Fair the world has ever known on top of the majority of churches today being spiritual harlots.

    Feminism, divorce, and fornication was the Trojan horse that destroyed the church. I know it sounds like an odd idea, but with good Christian spouses being so rare in this generation, has anyone considered some sort of highly selective private Christian matchmaking service? Not for casual dating (which is just fornication and adulterous remarriages), but genuine biblical courtship. The popular dating services are for nominal Christians which are just filled with feminists and dupes. I know saying this aloud is going to be very difficult to talk through, but what if there was a private site ( service) where profiles were sponsored by the applicants, their parents, and pastors for the sole purpose of biblical courtship. The vetting process should be honestly declaring the difficult truths that are so despised by the world like you faithfully do with this blog.

    The only people with profiles should be candidates who have been thoroughly vetted by the website admins, both sets of parents, pastors, and applicants. I know that sounds like an arranged marriage, and it is that in a way, but it couldn’t be forced. I mean merely to introduce genuinely prepared for marriage Christians. As a father of four small children, I am terrified of their future marriage prospects.

    We will raise my daughter to be a godly woman, but I am wondering if there will be any others doing the same for my sons to some day marry. “Christian” Marriage today is Russian Roulette with five bullets in the revolver for men. Even those men who escape divorce, losing custody of children, and financial ruin often end up with miserable women. It seems crazy that Christians should have to contemplate prenuptial agreements, or marrying outside the control of the state… Side note you may find interesting: there are places like New Hampshire where there are pastors willing to marry couples without the legal presidence (after thorough counseling). They lose out on tax breaks, and normal medical coverage, but as they don’t have draconian Common Law marriage laws, a marriage not recognized by the state is much safer for a man.

    My brother is married to a modern feminist nominal Christian woman and his life is comparable to Job because of it. My wife and I did everything wrong in courtship, our marriage hasn’t always been idyllic, but thankfully God got a hold of us and continues to bless our marriage. We are both grateful for your work, but where is the next generation of debt free, no tattoo, virgin helpmeets? My work has my family moving all over the world every few years, and we have observed the same sort of things the rest of you have. 1. Conservative Churches are failing to reproduce Christians. 2. The young repentant fornicators who used to get married, have kids, and come back to church are not returning, or go to liberal (worthless) churches. In most churches we have been to in the last few years, we are typically one of maybe two to three families with kids in churches that look more and more like old folks homes. 3. The moderate and liberal churches are the majority, and there are so few genuinely conservative Churches left. It’s getting to the point where I feel I might just have to keep Christ in my own home and forgo assembly with others.

  11. I wholeheartedly agree and as the mother of two girls I (we) are absolutely committed to doing as we can to bring them up as feminine Godly women.

  12. I was sick in bed for the past 36 hours with a fever and a very bad cough so I did zero social media yesterday. I posted this on Facebook just now. Thank you for asking, Jilly!

  13. Love and marriage have nothing whatsoever to do with emotions? This is too strong a statement. Who wants to marry without feelings? It is true that love includes a commitment and there are times that you don’t have much more to carry you through, but this isn’t our goal in marrying. If we are in a relationship that is pure commitment, we can honor God and keep going by faith, but the best marriage has BOTH love and commitment.

  14. Read 1 Corinthians 13 which explains what love is and it has nothing to do with emotions and feelings. Emotions and feelings come and go and a marriage built upon them will surely crumble but a marriage built upon 1 Cor. 13 will stand the test of time.

  15. I knew I had to pray for you, I am sad you have been sick!
    I was at the doctors today because of a summer cold; I don’t normally get colds but this one has been a bad one! I will keep you in my prayers!???

  16. Amen. I thought someone might call attention to the mention of emotions and feelings. The problem is that too many women make this the primary reason they choose to marry a particular man, and when their feelings change or wane, they “logically” think that is reason to divorce. Then they go looking for another man that “brings the feels” hard enough, marry him, and then their feelings change again, and…you get the picture. No fault divorce makes it easy to repeat this wicked pattern.

    It’s better to reason from the Scriptures and marry someone who is in the Lord {and has a serious, mature testimony proving this} and who works hard and can provide for a household {men} or take care of the home and the children {women}. This is really all that is required. Feelings are too unstable of a thing on which to base marriage. Let Jesus be its foundation!

  17. I lost sight of what real femininity was. Every day in the work place I see more and more what a lie it is that femininity can be maintained there. It introduces cynicism and bitterness which do not become the feminine spirit. I was once told that someday the world will be such that it allows women to reach their true potential by providing free childcare.

    True potential is having a strong family. It amazes me how the world demeans stay at home mothers, because what could be more important and show more potential that raising the next generation to be confident lovers of God and to live a self-governed life. The hope and faith required to live this way is destroyed by the distress and hopelessness born in women when they try to do a man’s work.

  18. There are lots of conferences/camps, etc. for Christians who take God seriously. Perhaps you should check some of those out and start attending with your family.

  19. Open your Bible. There are many passages that speak of dancing in praise, even specific verses pertaining to women dancing in praise.

    Overall, I find mega churches to be large and impersonal. Also, if it is a stage, I am turned off. A stage is for performance and drawing attention to oneself. In a traditional liturgical church, it is a chancel and with the pastor leading the service and with the assistance of the organist and choir (depending on the design of the church) being a the attention to God. Even though it is more common, in some churches, applause is done after, say, a choir song. I do not agree with it, as the song is supposed to be giving glory to God, not done for self glory. I digress.

  20. You don’t have to look very closely at these “mega churches” to see that they are not following the teachings of the Bible. They pick out the bits they like, and leave the rest. It’s not just the women jumping up and down that is wrong, it’s ALL of it. I often wonder how people can read their Bibles and attend one of these churches. Maybe they don’t read their Bibles?

  21. A bit off topic, but what about women in sports? They often do not look feminine at all. Some of them box! And the clothes they wear. I am sure that men are not attracted to them, unless it’s for the wrong reasons. In our country we have women’s cricket, and our own version of football. What are your thoughts on this, Lori?

  22. Gil, I do happen to know friends who met their wive/husband online. However, the very premise of a matchmaking service is akin to shopping. The mating process is not intended by God to be an environment consisting of comparison/competition/trading up.

    Adam worked diligently, without promise. When he was at the point of exhaustion, God worked His plan and made for him a bride. Adam’s response? “WOAH-man!”

    Let us continue to be diligent in our work, and our Work. (1 Tim 5:8, Ma 16:18).
    Just as He is at work in making her heart ready for one of His sons, He is at work on us men to make acceptable sacrifices for one of his daughters.

    We are promised divine timing. He’ll make the introduction exactly when and where it is warranted.

    As a husband and father, you can expect friction. (Eph 5:23) “Just as Christ is head of the church” … when did the church do God’s Will, let alone listen? Our burden to bear as men (one that children and women do not, will not understand) is to be leaders. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Ours is the task with studying, living by example, teaching the Truth to our families.

  23. It’s too bad there aren’t any classes for women to go to in order to learn these things. I’ve met many women including myself who were not raised to be godly women. However seek to learn how. It’s very difficult when you have no teachers. There is also the mockery from family members and so many things. I find myself asking where is this community and where can it be found.

  24. I saw a program recently on women truck drivers. Such a mucky job! Doing extremely long hours, away from family, doing repairs etc. Saying stuff like why can’t women do this job. Well, you are hardly going to get a godly man if you behave like this! Absolutely no concept of godly femininity.

  25. I wish I could point you in the direction of the church I attend! It’s only small, but it’s in most places around the world now, and the ministry is following Jesus’ teachings. We follow the Bible and are conservative. It’s hard to describe it here, but if you’re interested, please ask Lori for my email address and I can find you a contact for wherever in the world you happen to be.

    The Presbyterian minister who took my Grandmother’s funeral 25+ years ago came along to one of our missions once and said it was so true, and it was like going back in time 100 years. Sadly, he’s still a Presbyterian, but even he admitted that our church was right. But he couldn’t turn away from his faith and join us.

  26. Yes! This is how I met my husband, and how most young people in our church meet, all over the world.

  27. I appreciate and agree with nearly this entire post. But I need help understanding how women need to learn to be “shamefaced” – by definition, “feeling or expressing shame or embarrassment.” If we teach women to live as guilt-ridden, we’ve got a lot of problems in the works. Asking for clarification. Perhaps I have the wrong definition in mind. I fully believe being a virtuous women means respect, manners, femininity and allows us to be confident – that doesn’t mean Nasty Woman in my opinion.

  28. “In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array…” (1 Timothy 2:9). In this verse, it means to not do anything that draws attention to oneself.

  29. The Transformed Wife Blog IS a class Krystal; as was the Always Learning site before it.

    Almost every day Lori teaches a small (sometimes LARGE) lesson on becoming a Godly woman. If you feel like you are behind and want larger doses of the Godly womanhood lessons that she teaches, then go back and start at the beginning of the Always Learning site and read every post until you have had your fill for the day and then pick up where you left off when you want more.

    I have read too many sites to count and hands down, this (and the Always Learning site) are the best ones on the internet for true Biblical Godly womanhood teaching!

  30. There have been many times in my marriage when, if my husband and I had followed our emotions, we would have divorced. Instead, we stuck to our commitment to each other, and even though we separated for a time, we were both committed to the vows we made before God and when we practiced the love described in Corinthians and consciously CHOSE our actions, rather than following our emotions, the deep love we had for each other returned, and was strengthened.

    Sparks, fireworks, feelings etc. are all great. But they’re not enough to sustain a marriage when the going gets tough. Not when things like addiction change the person you married. Then, it takes conscious effort to SHOW love rather just trying to feel something that isn’t there any more.

  31. Really simple modesty and femininity should come first. If a sport cannot be practiced in modest and feminine clothing, with an appropriate feminine attitude then it should not be practiced at all

  32. When using an older translation like the KJV, you need to be aware that some of the words have different meanings and definitions today than they had back (over 400 years ago) when it was written.

    For example, in 1 Peter 3:1-2 the KJV says “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”

    Now I can only imaging that at least a few wives (since the 1611 KJV was written) have tried to win their husbands into being better Christians by talking them to death because of that word “conversation”. But “conversation” meant something completely different in 1611 when the KJV was written than it does today.

    When trying to figure out what a particular word in the Bible means, especially the older translations, it can be helpful to look at the definition in the 1828 version of Websters Dictionary. Using that will tell you that “conversation” means “General course of manners; behavior;”. It is not your “words” that will win him over, it’s your submissive and respectful behaviour.

    If we look up “Shamefacedness” in Websters1828 it says “Bashfulness; excess of modesty.” “Bashfulness” is defined as – “Excessive or extreme modesty; a quality of mind often visible in external appearance,”

    I prefer the NASB and the ESV but often find that it’s useful to look and see how the other versions of the Bible translate a particular word/verse and to also look at the original word (Hebrew or Greek) and see what the actual definition of that word is.

    One of the easiest websites that I have found to do this is called If you look at this verse (1 Timothy 2:9) on BibleHub and choose the “Parallel” option, it will show you 28 different translations of this verse. A few of the translations are so loose that they are not helpful but you will often see a trend among a majority of them. For the sake of keeping this post as short as possible I have not listed them all here but using 24 of the versions, (15) of them use the word “modest”, (5) use the word “decent”, (2) say “shamefastness”, (1) says shamefacedness and (1) just spells it out as “not to draw attention to themselves”.

    If we look up “modest” in Websters1928 it says “Properly, restrained by a sense of propriety; hence, not forward or bold; not presumptuous or arrogant; not boastful”

    If we look up “decent” in Websters1828 part of that definition is “not immodest”.

    “Shamefastness” is not in Websers1828 but a general search engine yields “the state or quality of being modest, shy, or bashful.”

    We can definitely see a trend here and it all revolves around the word “modest”. The reason for that becomes more apparent when we look up the Greek word. By using the “Interlinear” option on BibleHub, it shows the Greek word to be “aidós” which also has in it’s definition… modesty, hence the majority of the translations choose a form of the the word “modest”.

    All put together, that word in that verse tells women that they should be restrained by a sense of propriety; not forward or bold; not presumptuous or arrogant; not boastful. Or as Lori (and the New Living Translation) put it, simply to “not do anything to draw attention to themselves”. This same instruction is reinforced in 1 Peter 3:4 where it tells women to adorn themselves “… with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”

    I don’t want to offend the KJV-only folks but the following is a good YouTube video that respectfully talks about the usefulness of the different translations of the Bible that I believe would be helpful for everyone to watch.

    Now directly to the KJV-only folks, here is another respectful and informative video that is worth watching.

  33. That is why God is so awesome. He knows what’s in our hearts, and everyone, regardless of ability (or lack of) and intelligence (or lack of), is able to come to know Him and serve Him.
    All we have to do is our best, and that is enough.
    My best might look different to someone else’s best, but if it is my best, it is enough.

  34. This is an interesting post. I agree there have been great changes which impacted the sexes. However, the realities of the cultural shifts can’t be overlooked. The unchurched population is rising and marriage demands cannot be met in many areas.

    Women outnumber men and the ratio desiring a spouse exceeds availability. The reality some may not find a spouse is a truth that’s swept under the rug.

    As a whole, I have never had a gentleman convey his inability to find a partner due to a lack of femininity. But I’ve had many express concerns regarding the financial ramifications of failed unions.

    That is primary reason most cite for their unwillingness to marry. Many believe they get the short end of the stick.

  35. Hello Lori, I just wanted to have a respectful conversation with you if that is okay. I’m very career oriented and I don’t usually have the time or the energy to be feminine. I sincerily believe that If I do get married, it will be to a man that can keep up with my pace, not me to his. I was wondering if we could have a conversation about why you dislike these qualities but I want to be as respectful to your beliefs as possible. Thank you!

  36. Are you a Christian (a believer in Jesus Christ), Aditi? The conversation has nowhere to go if you are not, because I teach biblical principles to Christian women.

  37. True we must build a marriage on commitment, not our fleeting feelings—-but this is a different thing than saying that love has nothing whatever to do with feelings. I Corinthians 13 tells us what love DOES, and I find that the feelings of love move me to do the things I Corinthians 13 teaches. If the feelings for our spouse are absent, we have to evoke the love of God to carry on and continue to do the things that love does.

  38. KAK, i am like Lucy’s friend, very much so, except it is not intellectual disability but severe mental and physical health issues (and possible as yet undiagnosed Aspergers) i am unable to follow the path of marriage, kids and a full time job. my personality is that i am very introverted, bad at small talk and need a routine . i live semi independentley, with carers coming in to help me with daily tasks. i also had to leave my parents home due to severe verbal and emotional abuse.

    in my head i beat myself up over this majorly- i feel a lot of condemnation for being a rebellious daughter. but your post blesses me massively and helps reassure me.

    i am very far from being the woman god made me to be yet it is not a wilful sin in my case He told me as long as i do my best, He is pleased with me. he has forgiven me for leaving my verbally abusive father’s house and has put me somewhere safe. i no longer feel guilt about not returning home- He has assured me i will be in Heaven no matter whether i return to my father or not, so that is awesome!

  39. So what is the role of emotions and feelings in marriage or even choosing a spouse? And for those of you who say love has nothing to do with them, when you decided to marry, you didn’t have emotions or feelings for your spouse to be?

  40. Sadly, too many people allow their emotions and feelings to decide who they will marry instead of their minds and wisdom. It’s dangerous to decide things based upon emotions and feelings only. There have many many arranged marriages throughout the centuries where the couples learned to love each other deeply because they chose to do so after seeing the wonderful qualities in their spouse. Most likely, most have married with some feelings and emotions but feelings come and they go. At times, one spouse will hardly be able to stand the other but this is the time that true love (commitment) takes over since this is what is needed for a love of a lifetime.

  41. Lori, thank you for writing on such an important topic.
    Titus 2:3-5 shows that the older women are to train the younger women to “love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

    Perhaps I simply have not seen it, but I have never observed, in real life, even one North American woman choosing to exhort the younger women to fulfill the above. Blog posts like this one are apparently all we have.

    This is also a big part of why I did not marry any woman from my own city; I found a worthy woman from another culture. I do not say that with pride; it obviously would have been easier and more convenient to marry locally. But a man adapts, and does what he can.

  42. This is an old post, but I thought a woman may be reading this and want some concrete examples of how to show a “proper”, or Biblical, version of femininity.
    The following is a post I wrote a few years ago, in response to the question, “How to send the right signal to the red-pill guys in church?”. If a woman wants to show the Christian men around her that she is attempting to be a Godly woman, reading the verses listed in the following would be very wise.

    Your question was “How to send the right signal to the red-pill guys in church”.

    For a woman, I think this is a fairly straightforward process. Highly controversial, so few do it, but still, not incomprehensible.

    The first part is to ask who you are seeking to attract for marriage. neguy hit this idea with his comment:
    >This means cultivating your femininity and especially, staying sexually pure, staying thin/not gaining weight, maximizing your looks, becoming a gourmet level cook, and learning to handle kids. In other words, you need to create a good product to sell.

    If a girl wants to attract a player who wants quick sex, she would dress one way. If she wants a guy who wants marriage to a chaste girl, she will dress another.

    And a major second part is to STOP her thoughts, and ask herself, “What part of Scripture directly and obviously supports my thought?”
    An example above for Dalrock is about paid dates. If she thinks this man is inappropriate [for marriage] because he did not take her on an expensive date, or worse yet, he took her on a free outing, what passage of Scripture clearly says he is failing due to this fact? If you cannot put your finger on the page and show where the Bible condemns this behaviour, then accept that this is only your idea/opinion, and maybe a bad one at that.

    So, what does a man dedicated to God want in a wife? That may not be the precise question the woman had, but I’ll use it anyway. 🙂 It is in fact a pre-cursor to the question of sending the right signal, because if she refuses to be the kind of woman he was made by God to desire, then her fantastic signalling will be of no use. I’ll start with my question, then go on to answer the original signalling question.

    Joshua 24:14-15 shows the example of Joshua saying, “but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”. He did not say he would check with his wife whether this was ok with her. He said they will do it. If you are not prepared to submit to God, you are not welcome in my house as wife. Yes, that sounds firm, but being truthful is not actually sinful. As a man dedicated to God, he will expect the same in a wife. NO, this does not mean that being religious will get you a husband, or that religion will make you more attractive. The idea that being religious will get you a husband/wife is a foolish idea that many church people will teach.
    a) Submitting to God routinely has benefits OTHER than obedience to God itself. Obeying the command to not commit adultery is great and will please God. It will also however have the side benefit of not weakening your marriage. i.e. doing things God’s way will frequently benefit you, because God is smarter than you (1 Cor 1:25) and is able to give better advice on how to live your life without messing everything up.
    b) As a secondary point, showing obedience to God is important to a man of God, as he wants the Godly family. Yes this is secondary, because if he does not desire you, then you will never get to be part of his family anyway. Yes, your dedication to God may be a part of your attractiveness, but a woman who sees herself as very religious can be very undesirable to a good man for marriage.

    So, how do you be attractive to men? Foolish ideas are everywhere. I think God’s ideas are perfect, and vastly better (1 Cor 1:25 again).
    a) Wear what is obviously women’s clothing. Deut 22:5. I am a man. I wear pants and t-shirts. Do not think that wearing the same thing will make a man want you. If I had homosexual desires but still desired a wife (maybe due to social or parental pressure), then it might be reasonable for a woman to seek to look as much like a man as possible in order to attract me. But I desire a woman, so for me at least, she would maximize her chances by looking NOT like me, but rather by looking indisputably like a woman. i.e. wear clothing that can only be considered women’s clothing in your culture. This will change based on where you like, but in Canada this means dress or skirt. It is not relevant whether your female friends all wear pants. Do you want to follow God’s commands and advice on how to be a woman, or the advice of your friends? Who do you think has a better idea on what is best for you?
    b) Wear your hair long enough that it is reasonable to think that a man will look at you and think, “Wow, her hair is her glory.” 1 Corinthians 11:14-16. Yes, maybe he does not say those exact words, but ask yourself if it is even possible that a majority of men would think of you that way. Short hair=masculine, long hair=feminine. Do you want a man who wants a woman, or do you want a man who wants a man? Answer this question, and then set yourself appropriately. Using me as an example, I find it VERY womanly, feminine and therefore attractive, when a woman has hair long enough to go past the bottom of her breasts. If she cuts her hair just a few inches shorter than that, the decrease in attraction that I feel is dramatic.
    No, I cannot control what I desire. Yes, stupid religious people and feminists will say I can. But I have no buttons on the back of my head to adjust my desires. Yes, Phil 4:8 talks about thinking about good things, so you could say I can affect my desires by not coveting another man’s wife, etc. But it is not sin to think about a woman having long hair. Not only is there no verse in Scripture showing this thought/desire to be sin, but in this case, we have Scripture (see above) that shows this is good.
    c) Be self-controlled. Titus 2:3-5. Eating excessively, leading to being fat, shows I am NOT self-controlled, at least not in that area. Yes, many people in our lazy and self-indulgent culture will make excuses for poor/gluttonous eating patterns. But no matter what excuse is offered, the fact remains that if I was locked in a room with water but no food, I would not gain weight. I would not stay the same weight. I would lose weight. Therefore, with self-control, I can lose weight. Is it just a big coincidence that men find women who are a healthy weight, as a result of the self-control taught by Scripture, to be DRASTICALLY more attractive than overweight women? Whether a woman thinks this fact is fair has no affect whatsoever on its truthfulness. If she is fat, she cannot be attractive to many men. I would say most men.
    d) neguy commented above, “I told her that she needed to make finding a man a priority over career and educational pursuits”. Titus 2:3-5 has commands for the training that older women are to give younger women. One of the training elements is to train her to be “busy at home”. Not busy in the workplace. Yes, Proverbs 31 shows the wife being a hard worker. But she is working AT HOME. Preparing food, hand to spindle, etc. Yes, the passage also talks about her buying a field, which is obviously away from home, but think. Do you really thing the good wife is out buying a field every day? Or is this a once-a-year at most type of event? Do not try to treat the unusual as the daily expectation. Personally, I see the field statement as being related to the statement in verse 11-12 that her husband has full faith/trust in her — he TRUSTS her to go buy the field. He trusts that she will spend the money on the field per his direction, rather than on shoes. He trusts her to buy the type of field he needs for farming, rather than buying some field that is useless for farming simply because it has a pretty view with a nice creek.
    Proverbs 31 also talks about planting a vineyard (verse 16), which is much more work, but it is not all year, plus there is no comment in the passage stating that the vineyard is so big that it takes her away from home all day. In fact, given the other tasks she does, it is obvious that vineyard must be pretty small.
    If a young woman is in University, WHY??? What good is a degree, when she is to be busy at home? Get the the degree part-time after your children are 13/15 years old, and it is no longer necessary for her to be spending the bulk of her time on the family. The young woman should use her time of youth now, to get a husband now. Delaying marriage to get a degree shows:
    i) She does not value the opportunity to give her husband her best. She will throw away her years of prime beauty and fertility, and then give her husband whatever is left over. Does this show commitment to marriage?
    ii) She does not want to be busy at home. If she is training to be a lawyer / accountant / draftsman / whatever, I am going to assume she wants to use that training. She wants to work. If a man wants a wife to support him and his family, getting a degree to prepare her for full-time work is the wrong signal.
    e) This may be socially difficult in North American culture, but wear a head-covering in worship. 1 Corinthians 11:4-6. Instead of arguing for your rights to do whatever you feel like, use this as an opportunity to put yourself above 99% of your competitors, by showing obedience to God.

    So, let’s say we have a woman who:
    – wears a dress or skirt consistently, not just once a week or once a month but every week, and
    – has hair long enough to cover her breasts, and
    – is not overweight
    Let’s even ignore whether she foolishly pursues a degree as if she wants a career like a man and whether she wears a head covering.
    What does this woman need to do to signal the red-pill guys in the church? Well, probably nothing! She is (likely) already doing enough, and they are very likely already aware of her! For me at least, I can tell you exactly how many women in my congregation are even close to the above three on a consistent basis in weekly service, and their names. Note I said consistently. Showing up in long hair one week, then cropping your hair short for the next week, is not going to leave me with a feminine impression of you. Same for wearing the style of clothing that would be comfortable for a man.

    In the next sentence, by “work-task ideas like a woman”, I mean she has the idea that her work is to be busy serving family at home, rather than busy at the office and away from home all day.
    With apologies to the duck: If she has hair like a woman, has clothes like a woman, and work-task ideas like a woman, she is probably a woman. And she will be seen as such. The problem with attracting a man for 99% of women, is that they refuse to be one. No, being a fat woman does not allow her to present herself as an attractive woman. No, being a career-driven woman does not allow her to present herself as a women desirable for marriage. No, having a masculine appearance does not make her attractive.

    If a woman claims she is not getting offers from men at church, I would say it is almost guaranteed that she is refusing to be the “product” (to use neguy’s term) that the men would want. Some women are unfortunately very skilled at lying to themselves, and will claim they are a Biblical/feminine woman even when they are not. I suggest using the objective measurements I gave as a starting point; hair length, dress/skirt, weekly consistently. As for weight, type in “BMI calculator” in Google, and see what the site says about your weight.

    In my congregation of hundreds, there are only 3 women of any age over 18, any marital status, that come even close to meeting the three items I listed above. So if you choose to do so, you will:
    a) instantly put yourself in the top 1%, in terms of what the Bible describes for a Biblical woman, which is appealing for a man of God who wants the home that serves the Lord (Joshua 24:14-15) and,
    b) not coincidentally, you will put yourself in the top 1% of your age group for attractiveness to a man. Yes, some men are so beaten down by feminism that they either deny or are unaware of their own masculine desires. But show that man a feminine woman and a masculine woman of similar ages and natural beauty, and you will see whether God or feminism has better ideas about how to best be a woman.

    IF, and I must stress IF, she has all of the above, then even a small effort to obviously signal, no matter how incompetent, will likely be successful. I write, “obviously signal”, because some men are a bit oblivious… including me 🙂
    – Touch his arm while you talk with him.
    – Start a conversation with him. Do this at the beginning of 3 events in a row. You communicate that you see him as important, as you seek him out at the beginning of your potential time together.
    – Look for an excuse to give him a thank-you card for something he did. While not romantic, it will bring you to his attention.
    – tilt your head a bit, smile at him while you are standing with your hips uneven while you also play with your long hair. Use this one carefully 🙂 And do not be offended if he does not immediately speak to you ’cause he apparently is in such shock that he can barely breathe, nevermind form an intelligent sentence.
    – look for an excuse to express that you are willing to follow his leadership or submit to him. One woman was playing a team game with me. (6 people, 3 teams.) When it came time for us to decide on our first move, she said, “You decide. You’re the man.” I ABSOLUTELY was thinking about her for the rest of the night. What is sad is that no Christian woman has ever said anything similar to me. (Colossians 3:18-21, Titus 2:3-5, Ephesians 5:22, etc.) Yes, the feminists in the church will find this offensive, but if you are looking for a Biblical man, submission to your husband will be a part of your daily life.

    I should admit that one element a woman cannot control is her age. If she has already squandered her 20s, then her ability to attract a man for life-long marriage is already severely weakened. Following the Bible verses listed above will still put her above her age group peers however.

  43. As a man I can confirm this to be true, I haven’t met a single woman that has the right to marry wearing white. Honestly is not worth it to commit to someone like that. It’s pretty disappointing to see that values are now only expected for men.

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