Musings of a Widow’s Godly Husband
A comment from a women on my post Godly Women are Today’s Rebel.
Women sometimes say they don’t work. If I am part of the conversation, I will sometimes ask how the laundry gets done. I also think one huge missing piece is for the husbands to truly value their wife’s role as well. When I hear a man say his wife doesn’t work…
I always knew that if I was the last woman standing and every single woman in the world went to work outside the home and mocked me, I wouldn’t budge. Why? Because I am so strong? Nope! I’m actually not. Because my husband was awesome at making my role one of great importance, by honoring my role. And not just to my face, but behind my back as well. It wasn’t unusual to meet a co-worker of his in the store and hear, “Your husband says you are the best at ____.”
I lost him six years ago when he was just 46. After I lost him, at his viewing, a man I didn’t know came through the line and told me that he worked with my husband and wanted to tell me that my husband would brag on me almost every day. A friend of his from work that I did know, came by the house after the funeral and talked for a while. He told me that we had an unusual marriage and he was jealous. He told me that my husband would tell him how I was a submissive wife, but that would never work between him and his wife. But there was a hunger in his eyes as he acknowledged we had something special that he didn’t have. One woman told me how my husband had shamed her husband for dishonoring her when he was working in the store with my husband.
My late husband bragged on me everywhere. He made sure his world knew that he had a hard working, intelligent, talented wife who stayed home and made his house a castle. I say hard working, intelligent, talented not because I excel in those areas above other women, but simply because those are the arrows worldly men and women throw at housewives while deriding them. As if they stayed home because they somehow weren’t capable of doing anything else. Housewives are called too lazy to work, stupid and uneducated, and incapable of any “real” work, etc. etc., ad nauseam.
My late husband wanted the world to know that the home was a valuable place to be, and his wife was queen of his castle. His attitude made it a blessing to be at home. And I wouldn’t trade it for any job in the world.
Men play a huge role in the success of women staying home. It is right, just, and good, no matter if a husband is as supportive as mine was or not. But if the husband regularly communicates to the wife how much he cherishes her at home, how he couldn’t do it without her, etc, it makes it a joy to be at home.
Women, likewise, if you want your husband to value your role, begin by valuing it yourself. And make sure you value his role as leader, provider, and protector. If you want him to step up and lead, don’t criticize him when he tries to lead. Stop going to your pastor or other men with your questions. (This is a comparison to him that kills his soul.) Go to him. Maybe he can’t answer them, that’s okay. Let him go to the pastor if he wants. But if you make a habit of going to your husband, and not criticizing him if he doesn’t have all the answers (even in your mind, especially in your mind), you will most likely find that, over time, he will begin to search out the answers. He will rise to the challenge.
I have found (I have done a bit of lay marital counseling) that most (not all) women who are dissatisfied with their husband’s lack of leadership, have failed to follow from their hearts. They follow from a distance, holding their heart in reserve “just until he proves himself.” Or they followed until he blew it in a major way, a way they think is unforgivable. (If this is the case, the woman needs to realize she has offended Christ more than her husband offended her.)
When a woman does this, I try to kindly ask if she thinks she married a stupid man. She wants him to lead all the while he no longer has her heart. He can tell, and it is like an dagger to his heart. A really strong man can rise again and go on, but most men won’t. (This isn’t any kind of insult to men. They weren’t designed to be strong without a good woman by their side. God said one thing in the garden wasn’t good: man being alone. And note that a suitable help meet was the good addition, not just any woman. A suitable one.)
You want him to value his role as provider? Take it seriously? Tell him regularly how you appreciate how hard he works for the family. Stop comparing him to other men, except to let him know that in your eyes he is above all the other men out there. (Read Song of Solomon again if you need a primer on this.) If you are hungering for a larger house, you are in sin. The Bible says to be satisfied with food and clothing. I am not talking about actually needing more room because of your growing family, I am speaking of wanting the latest house in order to keep up with the Jones.
If you leave your friend’s party with a sigh, and a low comment about how “It must be nice to have that much room…,” don’t be surprised when he struggles with providing. That is a dagger to his heart just as it would be to yours if he commented after leaving the party that it sure would be nice to have a wife that could cook like that.
Show him in the bedroom how much you admire him. You don’t? Then think on the things that are good, right, and just as Scripture has commanded you. Stop playing the negative over and over, and begin to play the positive over and over. Why did you marry him if there is nothing good? Ah, but he’s changed! Yep, so have you. There is something redeeming in any man, even an unbeliever. Look for it.
You want him to protect? Value him as your husband. The husband is the natural protector, and will be more inclined to desire to protect you if he cherishes you.
Can I share two things that were game changers for me? Two ways I was intentional about trying to make my husband fell like a million bucks? To make his role as leader, protector, provider a fulfilling role for him? (If you want to be fulfilled in your role, remember it’s not any less important for him to be fulfilled in his.) There are dozens of suggestions as to unique ways to show your husband you value him, these are just a couple easily implemented ones that my husband really loved.
One was, I always packed my husband’s lunch (usually leftovers from dinner the night before as I made sure to make enough so there would be left-overs because he loved them), and when I did, I would write out a love note on an index card and slip it in his lunch bag. Sometimes, I would just tell him how much I appreciated his hard work and sometimes how I had enjoyed the evening before. Sometimes I would write something suggestive and tell him to hurry home. Other times I would quote an encouraging Bible verse, or tell him I was praying him through a trial. One day I stayed in bed sick and didn’t pack his lunch, but I always tried to leave the index card out on the counter with a pen the night before so I wouldn’t forget, and this day I had. When I finally did struggle out of bed to care for my young children, I found a love note to me written on that card that had been intended for him.❤️
Another thing we did a little different was run to greet him when he came home after a long day at work. We literally came from wherever we were in the house or property to see who could get to him first to tackle him with hugs (all six of us). I saw this as needed after I sat in friends’ houses and saw the husbands not even acknowledged when they came home for the day. (Sister, he just spent eight to ten hours toiling for you. Stop what you are doing and give him a hug and a kiss when he gets home. Yes, even if he stinks. My husband worked at a dump part of our marriage.)
Women, please hear me on this, brag about him to your children in front of him, and behind his back! NEVER tear him down to your kids or you will literally be the proverbial woman tearing down your house with your own hands! They will see the bad on their own, but love covers a multitude of sins. Talk about the good in him.
When you speak of him to other women, do so in a way that not only honors him, but also in a way that communicates to them how they can honor their man. (The last thing you want is them drooling over your man.) Do you know women who like to get together and tear down their men? Run away! Don’t walk, run!
I don’t know how to end my rant, because I could go on for quite a while longer, but I have lunch to make, so I’ll just step down from my soap box.
Lori, I disagree with you on doctrinal issues quite a bit, and I would take a different approach to some marital issues than you do, but I truly appreciate your blog and my 14 year old daughter does too. And by the way, it was your famous “tattoos” post that someone attacked that caused me to look you up. I have a hate/love relationship with women who rant about people like you. It is through them that I often find good articles and blogs. (I don’t hate them. I pity them, but hate the damage they are doing.)
God bless what you are doing!
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
38 thoughts on “Musings of a Widow’s Godly Husband”
Thank you so much Lori for posting this ! Gods word does not return void! I needed this today ? And everyday! Such Godly wisdom and encouraging truth! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! God bless you sister!
Agreed! Sadly women are devalued and underappreciated for being traditional women… Sad! Really telling what society’s priorities are…
Oh I really appreciated this post! What a powerful lesson for young wives. I think I will get my husband a special lunch box for his birthday and start doing this, with the notes. He loves leftovers for lunch too. Thank you!
I’m with Karla when I say, “Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this today.” We can not be reminded enough on how to reverence and love our husbands on a daily basis. This was truly a blessing.?
Lori, wanted to communicate with you and I know you won’t – and I don’t want you to – publish this. Your blog is not a safe place to comment. There are a lot of mean people. I won’t comment ever again. I will continue to read. You have a lot of good things to say but your readers – WHEW! There’s some baddies!
Your blogs are honestly one of the top 3 blogs for me! Not only are they filled with hard truths, they are quite practical and well put. Keep up the great work! ❤️
Ps— are you anywhere near north nj? ?
This really hits home. Although I have tried to ensure my wife know she is valued, and that the work she does at home is valued, I rarely have felt valued myself (I am far from perfect) . Most of the time what I do is simply expected. Your husband was truly blessed by your actions and the way you built him up.
Thank you for this encouragement! My husband feels so loved and respected when I make him lunch as well. And I love to praise my husband to others.
Your post highlighted ways in which I can better follow from my heart. There are times when I am convicted/convinced of the wrongness or rightness of a decision and I have not followed my husband. I’ve seen how my actions tear him down, unfortunately. The worst part of tearing down my house/husband has been seeing how long it can take to wait and help restore the damage I’ve caused overtime. At times I feel lucky that I don’t mess up again and send us dealing backwards before we’ve restored the last thing I’ve done, but many times it’s 3 steps forward, 10 steps back for me. Patience is one of my biggest growth points, as is letting it go by choosing peace over winning. Dying to self isn’t easy.
Love this post! I have been so fortunate that my husband truly values my work at home. When I became a FT housewife, the little comments started from family about what I did all day. He spoke right up and said, “She takes care of me. That’s a FT job. Ask mom.” (His mom stayed home, as well). One of his sisters once asked him if it didn’t upset him that he worked all day and I didn’t. He laughed and said that his job was less physical than mine. That he sat at a desk all day and I spent half of mine at hard labor, gardening, etc. And the other half at my home job (I did craft faires) so I could take him on vacation every summer. His other sister commented, “I wish Bob would tell me to stay home.”
Far from it, Stephanie. I’m in Southern CA! 🙂
I encourage you to buy the book “Unoffendable,” Beth. It’s a fantastic book and we shouldn’t allow what others say to us offend us. I’m not sure what “baddies” you are speaking about and I try to monitor the comments as much as possible but NOTHING comes close to what I have to read on my Facebook page. We should be the most unoffendable people on this planet. Our worth and value come from Christ alone, not what from what anyone else says about or to us.
I applaud this woman.
Her price is far above rubies.
[quote]Stop comparing him to other men[/quote]
Ladies never ever ever ever compare your man to another man in a negative way.
Jim makes more $ than you.
Rick has a much nicer, bigger house for his wife.
Dan is always taking his wife on a cruise.
Bill has such a nice physique, look at the muscles on him and his flat stomach.
And ladies [b]ESPECIALLY DO NOT[/b] compare your man to an ex guy from your past.
You are no longer tearing your house down with your own hands.
You are now using a wrecking crane with that huge ball on the end of the cable.
Your marriage is now laying in a million pieces………
How do you fix that?
The “little” things you do for your man to show him you care, is what will make us feel like we are 10ft tall and able to climb the highest mountains and slay dragons!
My honest prayer is that my future wife reads this blog on a regular basis. I get excited reading what this lady did for her husband.
Really good stuff.
Let me start by saying I lost the love of my life to cancer 3 years ago, she always bragged about me to those she knew, telling them how we would work together and things she did with me. She too would leave notes in my lunch box when she packed my lunch, I never told her how much I enjoyed reading those notes and what a way to be flirtatious with your spouse I would give everything i have or ever could have to have her back. She was a godly woman and she honored me in everything she done I was blessed to have 33 years with her and I dont ever remember a time when she was negative towards me. I am trying now to honor her with the rest of my life, Its a hard thing to loose a spouse especially one that the two of you were one as the Bible talks about. I believe if women or men would live a godly life as the bible tells us to Marriage’s would be so much better. My prayer now is Lord don’t leave me here too long without her. This is not a good life anymore being alone
Lori, I am so grateful you have this blog. I read it daily and have begun sharing it with my hubby and many friends. We are enjoying it! This one is so rich and helpful and wise. We need teachings like yours and hers to permeate our Nation and beyond. ” You are what you eat” and if we feast on teachings like this more of us will become godly wives and women, even if single. Again thank you for your dedication and wisdom you put into this blog!
There’s a lot of wisdom in this post. It encourages me to do a better job of praising my wife, as Proverbs 31 says I should. I think both spouses should do as much as they can to show appreciation to the other for fulfilling the assignment God has given him or her, and this adds to the joy in the marriage.
Part of you evaluating a future wife might be to put her onto this blog and see how she responds to it.
You’re welcome, Lisa!
EXACTLY what I needed to help me in my marriage! Perfect. I feel like it was written just for me. Thank you both and God bless?
Perhaps you’re confusing this blog with her FB commenters. This forum is monitored and I’d like to point out that it is okay to POLITELY disagree with someone.
I, at times, have questioned Lori’s teaching as one Christian to another if I believed it to be preference-based or privileged perspective more than scripturally-mandated, usually in the subject of single women and married women without children (yet or grown) working outside of the home. There are continuum’s and I’ve found that Lori has an all or nothing paradigm at times. I’ve observed the blessing of flexibility in this area (and at times, financial need to avoid poverty level household earnings), but we are in agreement that mothers should be home with their children-no daycare if at all possible. I believe she is encouraging women to make choices early to avoid debt to allow for SAHM status, also teaching women to align their thinking with God’s design for women in their roles as wives and mothers and not to adopt the feminist mentality.
Our differences in philosophy don’t matter, though, because her teaching is solid, and I’m consistently challenged in the area of Biblical womanhood.
It is a shame she has to put up with such resistance, though.
I LOVE this! I am not married and have no children, but I am SO thankful for those that are married and those that do have children. Where the marriages are lovely, the children are joyful and the family is holy. Learning to be happy for other people can be difficult at first, but God blesses those of us who are single with posts like this, and examples in our churches, where we can praise God for His goodness in others lives. I am thankful for godly women who teach me how to be a godly wife, and who let me hold and play with their babies. I am thankful for holy patriarchy, and men who will guide fatherless-wayward children down the straight and narrow path. Y’all don’t how blessed I have been by “toxic masculinity”. There is an older man in my church who is so full of the Holy Ghost; he has tons of Bible knowledge, intriguing and challenging doctrines and a heart that waits for God. And there was a wedding in our church last year, now this man has a closer relationship with my brother than me, so you can imagine my surprise and thankfulness that he had been talking to young men discreetly, looking for me a husband! My heart was so thankful, and to feel that love that is unique to men, especially older men, is such a blessing. No man had ever cared about me in such a way. People are foolish to disrespect and disregard that special bond between father and child. It is MASSIVELY important! I remember being 8 years old and a commercial came on the TV of a child running to his dad after his dad came home from work. And I can remember thinking, ‘what are dads for? I know moms are loving and nurturing, but what do dads do?’ only in the last two years have I even begun to figure it out. I pray for every last man on this site, that I’m aware of are single, that they would have blessed wives like the woman who wrote this post. God bless those who are faithfully waiting. 🙂
Just wondered who the author of the book is as there are 5 different ones on Amazon. Thank you.
What a beautiful, encouraging post!
A good friend lost her husband just last week, he was only 42. They have 2 young children. In tears, she asked me yesterday if I thought he knew how much she loved him because she hadn’t told him in a long time. They were very busy and his death was sudden and she took him for granted. I keep trying to remember to value my husband while
I still can but it’s so hard because I’m critical by nature and am that woman tearing down her house with her hands.
Everyone can be critical “by nature,” Melissa, but you can stop since you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you. You are a new creature in Christ. You no longer need to be controlled by your flesh. You can walk in the Spirit. I encourage you to listen to Michael Pearl teach through Romans on YouTube at “The Door.” It is truly life changing!
Such a great encouraging read. Thank you ! I will be sharing it with my newly married daughter along with your blog!
Loved this post. I always have a lot to work on in being a better wife. I want to comment on her comment about not agreeing with everything you write, because I don’t agree with everything you write either. Why is it that some people (not her) cannot tolerate not agreeing with everything? What is that!? WHO EVER AGREES WITH EVERYTHING? That is nuts to me. If a person truly does not agree with any of it, then this is not the well from which they should drink. I cannot fathom the mindset of some of your Facebook posters who just troll day after day. It is so bizarre.
Hollywood and Barnes and Nobles has it wrong, this man’s comment about his wife of 33 years is true romance and what every girl dreams of. May the Lord comfort you during this time and may us as wives truly appreciate and respect our husbands. I say the stay at home wife and mom is the most protected and cherished woman on this planet she has her husband willing to do anything to protect and provide and the unexplainable love of her children. May Lori and our families remain blessed and healthy in Jesus Name, amen.
Thank you, El!
We live in a culture that wants to take away free speech from those who speak and teach the truths found in God’s way because it is offensive to them. They don’t want anyone telling them that the way they live is wrong. We live in an entitled and coddled generation. When women begin to rule, our freedom evaporates since they are so easily offended.
I am so sorry for your deep loss! But I am thankful you had an awesome marriage! Very few do.
I told my kids there are 4 categories: Awesome man, lots of years. Awesome man, few years. Bad man, lots of years. Bad man, few years.
I told them we got the second best option and how blessed we were! (Married for only 17 years, my oldest was only 14 when we lost him.) Sounds like you got the best category possible! You are truly a blessed man!
I wanted to respond bc of the last two sentences in your post. I understand that kind of pain. After I lost my husband I truly wanted to die. I couldn’t see ever knowing joy again. Life hurt too bad. I actually expected to die of a broken heart and found out later everyone who knew me well expected the same thing. I couldn’t even function at a basic level for a long time.
Everything fell behind. (The reason for the biblical command to visit the widow?)
During that time a pastor’s wife I knew came up to me and said she understood what I was going through bc she had lost her brother and best friend. I usually let those kind of comments go bc I understood the person was trying to be comforting but I knew she, as a pastor’s wife, would be ministering to others like me eventually, so I spoke. I told her she actually didn’t understand. I lost my brother and my best friend at one moment. But I also lost my head, my heart, my lover, my favorite playmate, my leader, my protector, my lord, my teacher, my provider, my soul mate, truly my own flesh…
As I began to say who I had lost she began to cry and told me I was right, that she didn’t even begin to understand.
You are in the same place and only those who have lost a perfect match can truly understand how much it hurts to the very depth of your soul. It is an organic loss that can’t be compared with any other. (I have buried both my parents and 10 unborn babies, I know loss. Nothing begins to compare.)
However, please understand you are here for a reason. A few weeks after my own loss, I woke up one day and realized I had to live for the sake of my children. But I had to not only live, but find joy again, or their lives would be unnecessarily burdened and sad. It was a decision by an act of the will. Did I bounce out of bed singing the next day? Nope, but I did begin to sing again, by choice. It has been 6 years, and I still weep for my lover. I still hate going to bed alone. It has not been easy, and by no means do I intend to imply it has. But it has been good.
God has been good, and He has a purpose. You simply don’t know whose life you will touch. Since I am writing this anonymously I feel free to tell one way God used me. A man in our church lost his wife to suicide at a young age. He still had 3 young children left to raise. She was only 29 when she left. I reached out to him. I thought it was safe as he was 15 years younger than me.?
About a year later he told me he had had a gun to his head when I stepped in. He told me I was the only person who had been able to understand the depth of his pain. That he felt I was the only one who even cared. Sadly, I knew the church he went to, and it was likely true. He has 3 children whose lives are already filled with one of the most difficult things any young child could face. Imagine if they lost both parents that way.
That was God using me, and I get no credit! I just get the awesome privilege of being able to be used! Of knowing God can help someone else through me. WOW! But I wouldn’t have known how to relate if I hadn’t lost my own husband. (Not the same way, so not near the pain.)
I have had several encounters since where someone told me I was the only one who truly cared. (Nothing quite that serious since, but marriages on the rocks, etc.) The Bible tells us that one of the reasons God hurts us is to use us in another’s life. (I can’t think of the exact verse but believe it’s in Corinthians, maybe 1st Cor ?)
I agree that life is now difficult and filled with pain, but it really does get a little easier as the years go by. And a life lived for others contains so much joy, it is beyond understanding.
Also, it will get less painful. It will. Somewhere around the 4 yr mark it seems to get a little easier. At least from my own experience and that of 4 other widow/ers I know. It may be longer, or shorter than that for you, but the deep pain will lift a little. Still hurts, but with a little less edge to it.
But please choose joy!
If I can recommend some books that helped my in my journey?
1)The Crook in the Lot by Thomas Boston.
I found this book helpful through many of life’s painful spots, and highly recommend it! I actually keep a dozen copies and give them out to anyone going through difficulties. My family has given out close to 50 copies over the years. It’s that good! (Full disclosure: I am a reformed believer who believes there is not a maverick molecule in the universe. This book takes this approach and shows the sovereignty of God, even in deep pain, to be a beautiful thing. I have even found myself totally good with whatever the struggle was after this book, yes even deep loss.)
2)The North Face of God by Ken Gire (Not reformed, but excellent)
3)Night of weeping Morning of Joy by Horatius Bonar
4) Goes without saying, but I will say it. The Psalms.
A friend who had backed over her baby girl and killed her simply said to me: Read the Psalms, there is much comfort there.
It can be a good life again. Choose joy! Please. For the sake of your children, grandchildren, and those you may not even know are watching.
Hello. I’m new here. My husband recommended I read some of your teachings to bring into our marriage. I look forward to learning. This article has opened my eyes! Thank you.
I would like to see more on this topic:
“When you speak of him to other women, do so in a way that not only honors him, but also in a way that communicates to them how they can honor their man. (The last thing you want is them drooling over your man.”
To answer your question on why some people can’t live with not agreeing with everything, I can honestly say I heavily struggle with this same mindset. One reason is because the Apostle Paul encourages us to be of one mind 5 times in the NT (Romans 15:6, 2 Cor 13:11, Phl 1:27, Phl 2:2, and 1 Pe 3:8 kjv). John 16:13 says, “Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into ALL TRUTH. . .” So why if we all have the same Holy Spirit are there many different truths being argued? There are many factors to this: The vast amount of contradicting Bible translations, stubborn Christian’s who quench the Spirit, unlearned christians who speak in ignorance, as well as the persuasion of false prophets, to name a few. I still desire to be of one mind with my brothers and sisters which is why I love debating doctrine! Not so I can win arguments, but so I can try my hardest to be in one mind with the rest of the Body.
Quick question for anyone to answer: the list of sins mentioned in Romans 1:29-31 in the kjv uses the word ‘debate’. Does this mean debate alone is sinful or was there another meaning for the Elizabethan word ‘debate’? Thanks
I think it means we are not to argue or cause strife since this is very clear in God’s Word. We are to strive to be peacemakers instead.
Hello Lori ! I could not thank you enough for your blog ! I’m from France and I read you daily !
I also follow your channel on Youtube ! Keep on doing what God has called you to do this is highly needed in our generation ! We need more older women like you to teach us ! Your teachings have tremendously impacted my life and I’m getting married this summer…at 20 ! I am still in college but I know God calls me to be a homemaker, housewife !
I recently discovered the book Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin! What are your thoughts about it ?
Thank you, Kay. Just know that that book was written by a woman who is a Mormon so she has some strange teachings. This is why I don’t endorse it. On the Other Side of the Garden is an excellent book!
Beautiful and valuable post. I wish I had seen it in the early years of our marriage. It took me a long time to realize my value as a wife and my responsibility to nurture my husband just as he is, not as I wanted him to be. Part of this was learning to accept that I had no need to defend myself when I felt criticized for choosing to be a homemaker and mother instead of a worker bee. Working to care for my family and home has been much more rewarding than the part-time and full-time jobs I tackled to prove that I was “doing my part” and “not being lazy” by being at home. When I allowed myself to truly act as a queen in my own home and honored my husband’s leadership with respect and forbearance of minor slights, our marriage and family life has become much more peaceful and kind. You can’t change anyone else’s temperment, but you surely can change your own and your entire life may become better for it. I am not perfect, and I don’t think my husband would sing my praises as her husband did, but now I had added strengthening his love for me to that goal.