Where Have All the Good Guys Gone?
Single women ask me where all of the “good guys” have gone and why it’s so hard for them to find a man who is marriage material. One woman even called it the “plague” of being single and NOT by choice. Is it a plague these days? It is certainly true that marriage rates have plunged to the lowest level on record, divorce is more common, and living with one’s boyfriend/girlfriend is the norm. We are even told that in the last days, marriage will be forbidden (1 Timothy 4:3).
Most churches don’t seem to teach against fornication and the blessings of a life long marriage and having children. Women aren’t taught how to be feminine, godly, submissive wives. They are taught to pursue higher education and have careers while putting off marriage and child bearing since having a career is SO much more important.
Christiana from the Chat Room had to say this about this important issue:
“The lack of biblical teaching on marriage roles for both men and women compounds the problem. There are so many different and confusing messages on marriage within the church. I also think that we are seeing the ‘lovers of self’ end times prophecy coming true in spades, and this intense selfishness makes marriage— or any relationship— impossible.
“This is easily seen even in just the promos and advertisements for reality TV shows like ‘The Bachelor.’ In every single one, each person ‘looking for love’ phrases something like: ‘I have a great life and great career but it feels meaningless without that special someone! So I came on this show to see if I can find The One.’ As if love is a thing to be found, rather than a relationship to be built. As if a spouse is just a missing puzzle piece to complete your life; one more accessory to your own happiness like getting a dog, or a new car. Never have I ever heard it phrased realistically, which would sound more like, ‘I think I’m ready to forget about myself and pour myself out for the good of another,’ which is what a good marriage actually entails.
“And I have to say that this attitude is, in my observation, even more prevalent in women than in men. The general discontentedness which undoubtedly is worsened by too much time on social media. The attitude of ‘What can he do for ME? How does he make me FEEL? Because if he can’t make me feel how I want to feel, and can’t be as romantic as so-and-so, he doesn’t really love me and I’m out.’ What man wants to have to constantly strive for that? Furthermore, what man *should* do that— cease his God-given calling in life to make his woman his idol? He shouldn’t.”
Kylene added: “The porn culture, hook-up culture, feminism, etc. I think all of those have led to an unrealistic view of love and sex as well as a lack of responsibility.”
We must remind ourselves that God will ALWAYS keep a remnant for Himself. Yes, there are still good, godly guys out there. There are good, godly women too. (Someone needs to set up a dating site for the remnant!) Don’t go with the flow of culture. FLEE fornication and worldly lusts. Wait upon the Lord.
Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
2 Timothy 2:22
40 thoughts on “Where Have All the Good Guys Gone?”
Today, women and men are taught they have equality. Today, women are taught that their freedom, and their rights, are more important than obeying God. I know for me being a homemaker isn’t what I want. But i want to make God happy and my husband happy. So, I remind myself that if pursuing my own dreams would make me happy, He would let me do it. There’s something nice about knowing God will bring your dreams straight to you in the home, though.
Many of them have checked out. They see “Christian” women sleeping around with the “hot” guys then wanting to marry up the “nice” guys after the hit the wall and want money and kids. It is a huge risk with little reward. Glad I got married in the 80’s to a great woman!
I think our morals and values as parents have diminished. We are not putting God first in our homes. We have become a selfish people. Where are the men and women who value their roles as father and mother. Who will teach our children about our Lord and Savior. Are we as Christians truly serving God and leading the charge to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord? This is a heart change that only our Lord and Savior can truly give through the redemption of his blood shed on Calvary.
I think there are generally very few people, men and women, that share traditional Christian values left. My advice to single Christian women is, get involved with lots and lots of Church activities. Help wherever you see help is needed in your community. Not only does it keep you busy and gives you a sense of fullfillment to serve the Lord, it makes meeting men with values similar to yours a lot easier.
A distant relative of mine met her husband in a grocery store years ago! She worked in the bakery department at a large grocery store and every Sunday before church he would stop at the store for the donuts after the service. They spoke every week and he finally worked up the nerve to ask her out. Long story short – they’ve been married for 12 years.
Single man here. Careerism and feminism causes women to not value good provider men and as this happens exciting and fun men become more valuable to them.
Men see this and respond accordingly. There is still a godly remnant but you have to be committed to raising a family and becoming a homemaker or you won’t recognize us when you see us. We will be put in the friendzone
I agree that a culprit is higher education. By the time they exit school and get a job to make all their schooling worth it they have lost a good five or more years (unless they went to a Christian school with a lot of marriageable men).
Part of that complaint is legitimate and part not.
For the legitimate part, the lack of good men out there is a direct result of so many single mothers. A single mother cannot raise a boy to be a man. It’s as simple as that. It takes a father to raise a young boy into a man. It has to do with the difference between how a woman handles conflict and solves problems vs how a man does it. If the only example that a boy has growing up is a mom, he will only see (and learn) how a woman handles issues and he will grow up acting like a woman.
I meet so many guys out here who don’t know how to deal with a man like a man. Many are also having trouble in their relationships and it’s simply because they do not understand how to act like a man. Women do not respect men who act (handle situations and conflict) like women. Women, whether they want to admit it or not, are attracted to (and respect) masculinity.
For the part that is not legitimate, most women do not recognize good men when they meet them. Too many women these days, also raised by single (or dominate) mothers, have been raised on Disney Fairy tales (combined with Feminism) and have all of the pre (mis) conceived ideas of what a man should be. In their hearts, they are attracted to masculinity but their heads are full of so many lies about what they THINK a man should be (based on the lies of feminism), that they miss them when they see them.
Single mothers are NOT heroes. At best they are unfortunate women in that position do to no fault of their own trying hard to do the best they can. At worse, and much more common, they choose that position and everyone around them is going to suffer because of it, especially their children.
Bottom line, it takes a mother AND a father to properly raise children.
Do the women complaining about a lack of good men attend all female churches? There are no single men in the churches they attend? If that really is the case do the married men not know any other.men who are still unmarried that they could recommend?
The truth is, as the scriptures tell us, Christ is the only good man who has ever lived and the fact of the matter is no man is Jesus and no man can meet that standard. Loving any man requires that you love someone who is too angry or too jealous or too greedy or too fat or too loose with money or too x or too y or too z because that is the nature of this fallen world until Christ comes again.
If there are sincerely no good men left then if you want your daughters to have good men to pick from someone has to bite the bullet marry bad men in order to raise good sons for the next generation.
My generation has decided to check out of marriage and starting families with enough blame to go around, we all know what the problems at hand are but the only solution for it is to eat the cost of not having the storybook spouse Hollywood promised us and focus on what we can do to improve one another and improve the situation for future generations and that can only be done locally with the men and women we have at hand and not an imaginary soulmate waiting for us just over the horizon.
A 58yr old widower here.
Where have all the “good guys” gone?
Pleases define what they call a good guy.
What are they using to know what a good guy is?
Are they using God’s Word, the Bible to define a good guy?
Are they using Satan’s terms to define a good guy?
God’s definition of a good man and Satan’s definition are complete opposites.
“The attitude of ‘What can he do for ME?”
This would fall under Satan’s definition, would it not?
I want a good guy that will give me a big house, a new car every year, a credit card with a high limit, a maid for doing the work, spa days every week, fancy vacations to exotic places several times a year. He has to worship the ground I walk on. He has to be Hollywood handsome, have muscles upon muscles, be mega rich and do whatever I tell him to do.
What is God’s definition of a good guy?
A guy following God? Humble? Honest? Hard working? Takes care of his wife and children?
I hear a lot saying “but I am the daughter of the King” I deserve the best man!
But they tend to forget the man is also the “son of the King” and that the woman was made for the man. Not the reverse of that which is what Satan teaches.
What is being ignored is that both the man and the woman are sinners saved by grace through faith.
How many women would follow “good guy” Abraham in his God given trek to another land? How many women would help “good guy” Noah in his God given task?
Again, please define what a “good guy” is.
Eve was married to a perfect man, Adam, and God talked with them in the garden every day. Everything was perfect – her husband – the environment – etc
BUT IT STILL WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR EVE……….
Women, when are you going to break the chain of sin and say “I want what God says is good for me?
I see some hope in several of the women posters on here and what they express they are trying to live in God’s way. To those women, may God bless you.
Speaking some truth!
Even the men who are “too x, y and z” as you put it, might still be good men. They’re not perfect men, but they might be good men.
I would never, ever recommend a woman marry a “bad” man (evil, not simply flawed). The danger and power of a “bad boy” is attractive, almost magnetic. But if his heart isn’t good and kind, and he is an evil man, there will be nothing but a lifetime of pain ahead.
Find a man with a good heart and despite the rest of the failings he may have, he will be easy to love.
Where are the Godly women as well? I have 2 sons and those seem to be equally difficult to find. Feminism has ruined it for both.
Trey I respectfully have to disagree with some of the points you have made. My mother in law of 16 years was a single mother. My wonderful husband is every bit and more of a man than most. He is a wonderful provider, and is living his God ordained role as leader of our home with confidence and true leadership. His father chose to have nothing to do with my husband or his brother from the age of 4. He walked away from his marriage and his children.
My husband learned over time how to be a man and how to be a leader. Men must step in to their proper role and not blame their past for how they did or didn’t turn out Or use it as an excuse to not be who God wants them to be. As an adult no one can blame the choices they make or the situation they find themselves in on anyone else especially the woman who gave them life despite a culture that liberally accepts abortion. Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I agree with you that growing up without a father does not create men ready for leadership but that should not be a reason for men to never grow in to that role as adults.
I pray you find a wonderful Godly wife soon.
Definitely feminism and hook up culture. Why build the confidence to talk to someone, get to know them, settle down and devote yourself to that person when there are apps and websites dedicated to just sex with no commitment or responsibility. Everyone who is or has ever been involved in the making of those sites have no idea how much they’re contributing to the destruction of decent society. No man or woman who uses those sites has the right to complain about finding a good wife or husband. Feminism has brainwashed men to see women as just another income source instead of valuing motherhood as its own job.
“The danger and power of a “bad boy” is attractive, almost magnetic”
Like a moth to a flame…….
I have seen this many, many times in my life.
It seems like 99.999% of women will pick the “bad boy” to be with.
I see single women have children with 1 or 2 or 3 different “bad boys” and will keep trying because they “know” they will find a “bad boy” that will treat them right.
I see married women destroy their marriage so that they can be with the “bad boy” that treats them like dirt.
I also see it with men.
Most men will chase after the “good looking” women with “attractive” bodies.
Most of those type of women are like a Coral snake – beautiful to look upon but hearts as black as coal and whose bite is deadly.
Most men I know are avoiding marriage as if it were the bubonic plague.
Why should anybody be surprised by this? Our society, driven by Feminist hate, have made straight single males into the ultimate whipping boys. Men are attacked relentlessly, every day, every hour. We try to explain this to women and they ignore us or mock us.
Women still, just don’t get it. Men are leaving you all. You will be a society of women with NO MEN AT ALL except the criminals and the drunks, the gays and the losers.
There are plenty of good men. There are plenty of smart and successful men. They are smart enough to know that American women are utter poison.
Some day women will turn back to God and then learn how to persuade the men to return to them. Someday perhaps the Feminists and the Devil, their idol, will be cast out of our society, and we will be again free to build a decent society from the wreckage they leave.
But it will not be easy, because men will not return easily, having been lost all trust in the words of women.
I myself am happily married, but my son is unlikely to be. This is a stone heavy in my heart.
Pornography is ruining a lot of men…the hidden thing that is not talked about.
There are still good and godly young women, Bill. There will always be a remnant.
Yes Maria,
There are always (by the Grace of God) exceptions, but I am not addressing the (tiny number of) exceptions, I am talking about the RULE.
The VAST majority of the young men in the world today that were raised by feminist single mothers have turned out defective and deficient and our society is so much worse off for it.
For the record, I am not the (single man Trey) who wrote above. I have been married for over 30 years.
Amen
Maria, I respectfully have to disagree with your disagreement.
“My mother in law of 16 years was a single mother. ” Anecdote is not argument. I, too, was raised by a single mother, but I do not recommend it.
“Men must step in to their proper role and not blame their past for how they did or didn’t turn out Or use it as an excuse to not be who God wants them to be.” And women must be taught that frittering away their best years sporting, consorting, and cavorting, carries severe consequences later on. There is no shortage of women out there blaming men for their own bad choices. Instead, perhaps the older women should be mentoring and correcting the younger ones, as the bible clearly states. I’m not seeing that happening.
The point that Trey was making, that “It takes a father to raise a young boy into a man”, is true and wise. I suspect that you have missed his point. “Boys are born, men are made” A boy (or girl) raised without a strong, masculine father or father figure, is at a disadvantage in later life. You know this to be true. Does this mean that they cannot succeed? Of course not, but fathers matter, which was Trey’s point.
To your point, perhaps he should have used the term “Fatherlessness” instead of “single mothers” (which triggers a lot of women), but the meaning is effectively the same.
“Where have all the “good guys” gone?”
My favorite reply is: “They’re back in your early twenties… right where you left them”
The lack of good men is a direct result of a lack of good mothers. This blog talks about a void among older women who are willing to teach but more than that there is a void of older women who have something to teach. Most older women have worked full time. They have raised daughters to work full time and they have raised sons who expect their wives to be the same kind of supermom they had. And this is as true of Christian as it is worldly mothers. We can’t keep blaming young men and women when they have little good example to look to. My cousin brothers expect women as accomplished as their mother who was an excellent cook, maintained a good home and has a high government office. An uneducated woman with no capacity to balance work and the home would be unthinkable. She would just seem lazy no matter how Christian she was. The stay at home women can’t compete with the example of the mothers of “good” men. They also can’t be termed good because they don’t know how to be sole providers or sole decision makers. They have been taught to consult with women not lead them. And then of course theres the single mothers mentioned above who have raised a generation of independent boys and girls the opposite is the indulgent often religious/Christian mother who has raised a spoiled boy, not a man who consults his mother which is once again a perversion of leadership. He has no understanding of leaving his parents to cleave to his wife as the word instructions.
I just tweeted this: “Women women go bad (feminism), nations go bad, because they are the ones called to be help meets to their husbands, raise godly offspring, and be keepers at home. When they leave their posts, the children are raised by strangers and marriages fall apart, thus nations fall apart.”
Very well said, Trey. Right on all points.
Thank you KAK for that distinction; Good men vs. “perfect” (read Disney Prince) men. I believe I am a good man, but I am not perfect. I don’t have a 6-pack, nor a trust fund, nor a white charger.
CVD:Brilliant observation: “They have been taught to consult with women not lead them.” The corollary is that “women have been taught to compete with men, not follow them.” This is at the heart of the whole issue.
Yes. Believe me, I am looking all the time for my son.
Sad to say, he is very cynical. He’s grown up being put down and shamed by society as a whole, and it has left a mark on him.
I married a bad boy. I fell for the tall, broad, rebel on a motorbike. Drug addiction has made my marriage tough. But he’s not an evil man – he’s a good man with a good heart – I just wanted to make that distinction clear.
Being married to a bad boy is definitely going to be more difficult than being married to a steady man, but it’s his heart that is important. Not his looks, or his wealth, or the house he lives in or anything else.
My husband was raised by such a woman. She worked full-time (night shift as a nurse, so she was home before and after school, slept during it), cooked yummy dinners, kept an immaculate house. And so my husband absolutely expected me to be the same – work full-time, and do 100% of the housework, cooking, cleaning, child-raising. While he did nothing. Literally nothing. (Except drink and use drugs with his mates and abuse me because I couldn’t keep up with everything because I had 3 kids aged 4 and under)
When I reached breaking point and blew a gasket and we separated, that was one of the things I insisted on before we got back together – if he wanted me to help him provide, he needed to help me care for the house and children. And he did.
Interestingly, when we both look back on our childhoods, mine was awesome – my mum stayed at home, dad earned the money. My husband hated every second of his childhood, he said his mother was always tired and grumpy and had no sense of humour. Never played with them. He has very few happy memories.
This is a dour truth and something very, very difficult to navigate these days – even in Christian circles. Our dating culture has completely crushed my spirit and dashed my hopes for a Godly marriage and children.
I make >$300K a year. I own a cute little house in a very desirable neighborhood in a large southern city. I have two degrees from top universities. I was an all-conference athlete in college and have tons of friends. I sit on non-profit boards. I’m in three different Bible studies. I lead men’s mentorship groups. However, I’m 40 years old. I’m 5’8″. And… well… I’m bald. C’est la vie!
Fortunately, I have juuuuuuuust enough swagger and charm to attract women beyond materialistic, status-oriented things. So, I never have much trouble meeting people – even amidst seasons of life when things are hectic at work.
If you date long enough and are paying close enough attention, you’ll see tremendous bitterness in women in their 30s. So many of them have baggage from divorces or gaping wounds from a decade (or more) of fornication and failed long-term relationships. And, beneath their polished veneers of churchy-slogans, scripture memes on Instagram, swaying to the praise band, and spin classes, they’re bitter, vituperative and ugly. They look good in jeans and skirts! But, sadly, their hearts are corroded and gaunt.
They’re much too self-absorbed and hurt to be a reliable helpmeet. However, because they’re pretty and, on a surface level, have their acts together, there are a slew of single guys who are perfectly willing to rush into a burning building and rescue them. Those guys, regrettably, are naive and foolish. Heartbreak (or worse) invariably follows.
Those women don’t need someone who will pull them out of a fire. They need the type of faith – the type of scriptural truth – that will extinguish the flames. Anything less just isn’t enough. Anything less only yields more devastation and despair.
I’ve dated girls in their 20s from time to time. And, on the margin, they tend to be better candidates for a Godly marriage. However, because I’m 40, the good little Christian girls in their 20s don’t want much to do with me – unless their clock is ticking in their late 20s. But, by then, they also possess a good deal of baggage from failed relationships that were chock-full of premarital sex (leavened, in some instances, with a dollop of cohabitation).
Regardless of their ages and stages in life, my heart breaks for all of these women because they just don’t know any better. They genuinely can’t help it. I’ve met so many women who have the potential to be phenomenal wives and mothers but they’re too caught up in the culture to understand what being a wife and mother truly entails. They just can’t see any further than their own impulses and urges. You can lead ’em if you want, but it takes an uncanny degree of patience, charm and resolve.
It takes a level of devotion reserved for a wife – not just “some girl I’m dating.”
I’m also partially to blame, of course. I was too arrogant to understand the truth in my teens and early 20s. I should have gone to Samford or somewhere more traditional for college. But, I chose a USNews top-20 school and embraced a culture and values that are incompatible with God’s desires for relationships. Now, here I am. It’s a lonely existence. But, I have a lot to be grateful for.
If I knew in my teens and early 20s what I know today, I would have made much, much wiser decisions with respect to school, women and leadership opportunities. My parents didn’t teach me any of this stuff; I had to figure it out on my own. I suppose it’s best to be grateful that I eventually caught on to God’s design for men and women on my own, instead of within the confines of a failed marriage. I’ve been able to teach younger men through the mentorship programs I participate in, and I’ve seen that instruction bear fruit in their lives (and the lives of their girlfriends and wives, alike). Praise be to God!
Is there a remnant? Sure. But, now that I’m 40, those types of women are well out of reach. It’s a real shame that marriage isn’t in the cards for me. It’s a dispiriting reality, but at least I can use my career and ambition and talent to care for folks and serve my neighbors in other capacities. God has given me so many blessings. I can absolutely further His kingdom, even if I’m in despair over an unfulfilled ambition for a wife and family.
That’s probably a better way to live, and serve, than in a corrosive marriage to an ungodly woman.
God is good. http://Www.singlemommyrockz.wordpress.com
Our history and society play a large roll on how families have been torn apart in America. From slavery separating husbands from wife’s and taking their own children . Followed by a rica shade effect from “public housing” the working dad who was the provider (working) wasn’t allowed to live in the same household. Then the list goes on and on. By a trickled down affect from TV and the media/ news. What I call their motto # You don’t like it trade it in for something new. Aka cheating husbands followed by cheating wife’s. Nobody seemed to want to work it out or stick it out. Just trading one person in for the next. Now days to find a man who actually wants marriage is seldom to none. 1 Thessalonians is where I lay. As a reborn Christian my path was full of road bumps, potholes, sink holes for crying out loud. I remember my first memories as a little girl after asking God/accepting Jesus in my heart John 3:16… at missionetts… praying at the alter my Spirit must’ve known way back then the path I would have to endure to get thus far. The church giving us the boot as I was a single mother totally frowned upon. However thankful for the true Christian folks who kept on loving us. God provides for all our needs. Jesus loves you.
I stumbled upon this blog while doing some research on feminine qualities. Before I address the topic at hand please allow me to comment upon how stunned I am to see such graciousness and civility extended in these comments towards each other, especially given what a acidic topic this is today. Such carefully thought out ideas and replies in this day and age is frankly unheard of. The work of God upon your lives is so evident in how you speak to each other that I am honestly overwhelmed, even a little intimidated for I feel so obliged to emulate you in my own post I find i’m triple checking what I say!
Now to the topic at hand.
I have now read through every post and comment on this blog post to date, and may I say it seems each post drips with personal tears and no small amount of pain because of how close to heart this subject is to everyone here. The absolutely shattered nature of 21st century relationships is like a road of broken glass that we are all walking through barefoot.
I will not attempt to cast any specific blame upon men or women simply because there is so much to go around. We are already so far past any one or even a dozen causes of the fracturing of relationships that to add a few more to the already overwhelming list only tastes like ashes. Our sins and failures because of the lies we have believed about men and women have made a wreck of our nation. The problem is now so big its past our ability to solve.
Therefore, we have only one recourse left to us. One only. We must cry out to God, our need of mercy and healing can only be fulfilled by him. Only God can mend wounds as deep as those we have inflicted upon our nation and ourselves.
2 Chronicles 7: 12-14
12 Then the Lord appeared to Solomon in the night and said to him: “I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place for myself as a house of sacrifice. 13 When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command the locust to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people, 14 if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
Charles,
I’ve got to say this post hits me where I live brother. Thank you for posting, I honestly found it helpful to know I was not the only one.
p.s. My hair also abandoned me, but that’s ok. I was not particularly handsome to being with.
Beautifully stated. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. Yes, this world is not our home and it’s a mess since many follow the prince of this world, Satan, instead of Jesus Christ but there will always be a remnant.
Charles and Lori,
It’s already happened to me: men in their 40s — who are successful and well taken care of — try to pursue me for a serious relationship. I have never had any relationship with them for two main reasons: they had different religions (I am Catholic and they were following other Christian denominations) and I am only 23, thus probably too immature for them.
But I usually hear from authors (here in South America and in the U.S. as well) that postponing marriage is a problem only for women. They say that men can find a marriageble woman at any age.
So I am here shocked: 40+ unhappily single men are more common than I thought.
P.S.: Sorry for possible English mistake. Portuguese native here.
Maria,
There are quite a few single women when your 40+ however here in the States they always seem to be divorced…
Matthew 5: 32
32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Or have 2-3 children with 2-3 other men. Needless to say as a Christian man who has never married and has no children I am very reluctant to become an instant father and have other men involved in my marriage because of children. Further more Christ’s warning in Matthew 5 makes it pretty clear that marring a divorcee is not an option.
So were left with two options. Hold to a biblical understanding of marriage and remain obedient to Gods word even if that means never marring. Or excuse away God’s word and go our own way…
Proverbs 14: 12
There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.