The Travesty in the American Christian Family
Written By Ken Alexander
With the erosion of American morals goes the American dream of a true and responsible democracy. Although both Mom and Dad each play a great influence on the moral fiber and character of a child, nothing will create a stronger young man or woman than a child raised in a home where mother and father join together to invest their lives into raising up the next generation. Unfortunately, we now have a nation of far too many young adults who are the product of selfishness and sin, and the results are devastating to our once great society.
It grieves me to see the Christian man who has bought into the world’s lies that their daughter needs to be taught that they can be every bit as productive and successful as a man. Taught that they do not need a man to care for them, but instead must get educated and successful to protect themselves against the man they choose to marry. These Christian fathers have no confidence in their daughters being able to be joined by God to a Christian man who has been trained to work his tail off to ensure that His family is well cared for while his daughter stays home to raise their godly children. Worse yet, Dad and Mom are teaching their sons and daughters by their own examples that their children are secondary to their own personal pursuits. The roles of husband and wife are now so intertwined all in the name of egalitarianism.
Nothing could be more foreign to the scriptures than the idea that we are to walk away from God’s design for marriage and family so that we may achieve “equality.” Christ makes us equal in worth and value, yet if we are to be like Jesus, equality is not something to be grasped but to willfully conceded for the sake of our relationship with God and others.
“Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men” (Philippians 2:5-7).
Equality in every way is now a goal for many, even in the Church, including care for the home and children, and equality in successful careers. The world’s thinking has permeated our churches precisely because few pastors are willing to teach God’s ways anymore on this vital matter out of fear it will harm their popularity and following.
We have now reached perhaps the final tipping point where most Christian fathers of this generation are either so emasculated or so indoctrinated in the world’s thinking, that they are unable to train their sons how to be godly leaders of their family. Christian man, can you tell your family how you have worked yourself to the bone to put food on the table so Mom can stay home with your children? Explain to them why God’s design for the husband to provide and Mom to care for the home no longer applies to your family. Tell your sons why Mom seems to more often have the final say in the decision making as you shrink away from your God-mandated role as leader of your home.
Certainly, I see the vicious cycle Christian men are caught in when many try to lead their wives who are the opposite of submissive nor desirous of a man’s leadership. Instead, many wives desire to be in control to protect themselves from “that man” they were told by their parents they could not depend upon to protect and provide. Taught just the opposite of any idea of enveloping their life into a husband to become the one flesh of God’s desire and design. If our children learn mostly by watching the example of Mom and Dad, what example are you giving them? Does your marriage look like the world’s or like the one-flesh marriage of the order that God has designed for us? The God-head three in one as the example of husband, wife, and God’s Spirit united the three as one.
When the Church thinks it can walk away from God’s design for marriage and family under the guise of “necessity” or “choice,” it fails to see the coming repercussions. If we happen to raise up a son in the way he should go, and teach him self-discipline, servant leadership, and hard work, he still is confronted by a Christian young woman who has been trained by her parents not to trust him. Never to put all her eggs in his basket, but to protect herself against him in case he may some day fail her or abuse her.
It is no wonder that many Christian marriages never experience the true oneness, harmony, and intimacy that God intends for marriage when even our godly Christian young men keep crying out to their wives, “Hey, what about me? Can you be vulnerable and envelop your life into mine without my having to constantly try and prove my love and affection? Without having to compete with you for leadership or even who is more productive or smartest? Just because you choose me to be your man?”
The deck is stacked against our young Christian men. Many don’t live with their Dad because of divorce, and many who do live with Dad live with a shell of a man who is unable, or no longer willing, to try and compete with Mom to be the leader of the family. If you are in Christian marriage, please think about what you are showing your sons by your marriage. Please, Dad, take the time to instill these basic ideals into your sons so that they will have a chance to some day captain a family of their own in the name of Christ Jesus:
Teach them that true leadership may be service-oriented, but it is never wimpy or backing down when it comes to leading and decision-making.
Teach them how to be gentle, kind, and respectful to all women, especially their wife. Never should a harsh or unkind word be spoken, even if a firm correction may be necessary.
Teach your sons that hard work and battling through adversity will always win in life and marriage. That they are to be the primary providers for their home and if Mom helps out a bit, it is only short term as necessary when the kids are old enough to fend for themselves.
Teach your sons to be strong in the Lord which always results in loving and serving others yet never compromising their calling to lead their family.
The world will always be pulling the Church into Satan’s abyss if it can. The only remedy against this is for those who are part of God’s remnant to first understand the wily Devil’s tactics, and to decide as a couple to combat them by living out their lives as examples for what their children should be doing when they raise they families. Teach them their roles, and do not hesitate to explain to them your own shortcomings when “necessity” or sin causes Mom to have to work, or Dad not to be the leader he should be in the family.
Imagine Christian, if you could have that one flesh marriage that God speaks of where both spouses are living in a loving and vulnerable relationship trusting each other as you try to live out God’s Word fully in your home. Imagine that your children are watching and will emulate what you show them, far more than what you tell them,
Lori and I have found what that means and we love being one in Christ. We have exposed our lives to our children and the world not because we have been perfect, but rather because we know the difference between doing things the world’s ways and God’s ways. There is no comparison for the joys and rewards that come when we set our minds to do God’s will. It is truly exhilarating to watch all of God’s many blessings coming true in our lives and that of our children as we seek to please our Savior just as God’s instruction manual clearly teaches us.
To God be all the glory, and may the Church start to once again believe God at His Word instead of making up excuses as to why it is too hard to trust God at His Word by that same faith that saved us. Just expect that whatever you are showing your children they will repeat it. Is that a God honoring thing or changes need to be made? Talk to your spouse and determine to make those changes today for the love of God and family.
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
33 thoughts on “The Travesty in the American Christian Family”
Always wise words, God bless brother.
I am so thankful there is still a remnant of strong Christian men like you and my dear husband. He is a wonderful father. He leads my son by word and example. He spends time explaining God’s truths to our children. He is active in the church. He is the boss at home and everyone knows to look to him for the final answer but he is also very kind and isn’t a tyrant.
I see so many Beta men that follow women’s terrible ideas and I constantly tell my husband how grateful I am because he is a Godly man who follows God’s ideas. I am thankful God blessed me with such an exceptional father for my children. If more men were like him we wouldn’t have all the unfortunate troubles with our society. I told him that once our children are on their own, he being such an exceptional father, should start an adopt a dad ministry where he offers his dad services to young adult men who weren’t blessed with a good father.
Amen! Examples are important. I remember that once in High School my english teacher told us that nothing is worse for a women than to depend economically upon a man. But since my mother has always been a homemaker and my dad always has worked hard for provide was a good dad and husband, so I knew what my teacher said was not true but maybe the children who didn’t a good example at home nor a mother was at home, then they believed this.
Another reason so many pastors are so reluctant to say anything about male headship is they had to rely on their wives to put them through seminary. Consequently they have to defer to their wives in their preaching to preserve a faux peace in their homes
Those with marriages and children are fully invested. It only makes sense for them to do the best they can. For true believers there is only God’s way in a society where the entire system is corrupted. Now even most of the churches are corrupted.
Where in the Bible did Jesus tell us to build great buildings? Monuments to our organizations we call churches. Where are we told that pastors need to be full time, generously salaried? Nowhere. I suppose it’s possible to have these things but it’s not necessary and it’s certainly not the focus of God’s word. We were told this would happen in 2 Timothy 4:3.
“For the time will come when they will not hear sound doctrine but will gather around themselves a great many teachers to suit their own desires.”
It’s very simple. There very nearly is no church left. Pulpits are full of hired hands or worse yet wolves. Congregations are full of those with itching ears. Because a “pastor“ needs to make a living from rebellious people (don’t offend the ladies especially) he won’t preach the truth. If he dares the women will take their submissive husbands and families down the street where the flattery is better. We are living in apostasy.
Single Christian men who know the truth are walking away because they should be. Not only have the culture, the legal system and women abandon the meaning of marriage, so have the “churches”. Tell a man to get on a ship that he knows is sabotaged? It might have been noble, honorable, profitable at one time. There’s still a chance it might not sink? Men are going to walk away. It just doesn’t make sense anymore.
What is the difference between the husband being the “head” versus the “leader?” Like where in the Bible does it say a husband should “lead” his family? It talks about the “head of the wife” … A Biblical marriage councillor said a husband can get so caught up in “leading” that there are often lonely wives left behind…Jesus was a servant while here… Just curious on your viewpoint on this?
I’m in my late 20s with a 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter. I grew up in the public schools and was taught that in was unwise and dangerous for women to rely on a man. I got a 4 year degree and started graduate school when I was 22 with a baby at home. Life was stressful and hard.
I started reading Loris blog six years ago and I heard these teachings for the first time. I quit my part time job, quit grad school and became a full time keeper at home. So many things also changed in how I treated my husband. Now, my husband and I have such a wonderful marriage! As Debbie Pearl would say a “heavenly marriage“.
I truly feel that way! He is my leader and a hard worker who provides so well for our family I have so much respect and admiration for him. I stay home and take care of all of the housework and cooking and I homeschool the kids. My son will often say that his daddy is our family leader with so much admiration for his daddy in his voice. He repeats what I tell him about daddy, that he’s the best daddy in the world and that he’s strong and wise and that he’s our leader. Both our son and our little daughter know to respect daddy, not talk back and to obey him. They see how much daddy loves mommy and how daddy never raises his voice to mommy. They see us happy and silly with each other.
We have taught them that God made mommy and daddy a perfect team. That God wants mommies to stay at home and take care of the children and the house so that daddies can go to work and make money so families can have good food and a good home and everything else they need. We thank God every night for daddy and his job and everything God has allowed daddy to provide for us.
We also thank God for mommy and that I’m able to stay home and take care of them and the house and teach them. My husband feels that he’s able to work as hard as he does at work because he knows I’m home taking care of the kids and the house. There’s been many opportunities for him to share his faith with those he works with even staying late to talk with someone about his faith. He may not have been able to do these things without the confidence that his wife was taking care of things on the home front. He enjoys coming home to a clean home and dinner and kids who have all their needs met. We can relax and enjoy the evening together. I have so much fulfillment and am so thankful God gave me this role!
Gods ways are good and perfect! Praise be to God! I am so grateful for older women who take the criticism so that they may reach a remnant of younger women who are seeking Gods ways and just need to be taught! Please, if you are an older women, there are younger women who want to learn these things! Also, the more younger women being taught these things, the more children growing up being taught these things too! I pray my son will find a wife who had been taught biblical womanhood and that my daughter will find a good and kind Christian man who wants a stay at home wife. I pray more younger women hear these teachings. God has changed my life in such a wonderful way and put me on a new path and it is good!
Your husband sounds wonderful, but what I really love is your admiration and appreciation of him. Oh, so many husbands would love to have their wife appreciate them as you do your man. Thank you for being a godly example to others!
That false lie is told over and over again in our society and then we have countless wives all begging for true emotional and deep intimacy but are unable to vulnerably give themselves to a man they choose to complete them. It certainly was part of our story and it took me a long time to realize what was happening to us.
Maybe partially true. I am not opposed to a wife working to help her husband get through school so long as their are no children who will suffer. She should have no problem praising him for becoming the primary provider and servant of God… but yes, too many wives want to stay in control as to submit is to vulnerable for them…. so they miss out on true oneness and unity.
Christian men of like mind who want to do things God’s ways must band together to form a church for the remnant. There is always a remnant and always a true church. We just need to find it in our community, or start it :).
I am so thankful that I can teach my children truths. One of those is historically accurate concepts,such as the age of the earth, and various cultures. My children are fascinated by it! We showed them some indigenous rock paintings on one holiday. My son asked me how old they were. I told him at least 20,000 years old. He was astonished! God gave them an enquiring mind. He gave me the tools to teach them?
If we happen to raise up a son in the way he should go, and teach him self-discipline, servant leadership, and hard work, he still is confronted by a Christian young woman who has been trained by her parents not to trust him. Never to put all her eggs in his basket, but to protect herself against him in case he may some day fail her or abuse her.
This ties in directly with what Lori wrote the other day. Also, think of all the fathers, including all too many “Christian” ones, who masculinize their daughters at the same time that they feminize, if not outright emotionally castrate their sons. Sometimes this is due to Mom’s (figurative) gun to the back of Dad’s head, sometimes it’s the result of Dad’s lifelong conditioning in the feminine imperative. But more than merely occasionally it’s a product of Dad seeing his sons as competitors rather than heirs.
All of this is symptomatic of how thoroughly and successfully Satan has subverted the church, and by extension the family over the last few decades using the popular culture as a weapon. That it is as all-pervasive as it is tells us how terminal the patient is.
The age of the earth can’t be “historically accurate” since no one can know for sure how old the earth is. God could have created it with age. He did with Adam and Eve!
God’s ways are SO good! Thank you for sharing, Heather.
Jesus led His disciples. He taught them, told them to follow Him, and told them how to live. If a wife is commanded to submit to her husband, this means that the husband is the leader of the home.
Double income = double tithe.
You’ll remember that In the beginning humanity fell because the woman rebelled against God. She was punished for this primarily by being put under the authority of her husband. However painful childbirth might be it’s temporary. Male authority is every day of her life. Women don’t want this, they never have. Women are not naturally inclined to obey God or their husbands, obviously. I hope we remember why the man was punished. Genesis 3:17 is clear, because he listened to the voice of his wife instead of God.
The system of male legal authority has been a staple in virtually every civilization in history. It’s gone now, almost completely. Women understand this reality and often exploit it. And presently men are waking up, finally. How can marriage continue to exist, even for Christian men, in a society where even basic human rights of men (like fatherhood) are gone?
Your rights as a husband, father, free man exist only on the voluntary basis of your wife. Even if you do everything right she may use the divorce machine to take your children, home, future earnings, life and very soul in the hopes of upgrading to a better husband. Like every other single man, I know married/divorced men who live this daily. Single men have watched it for decades. We should marry and trust these Church women based on their reputation alone in spite of having no legal rights?
I know divorced men personally with daughters who were sexually abused by the man or men their churchian ex-wives dated after the divorce. I know good Christian men with adulterous wives. Some divorced, some just live with it because divorce is even more difficult. Manipulative, controlling, selfish wives of Christian men I know. I could go on and on. I can’t believe so many men Still get married!
Marriage, in a legal sense, doesn’t exist for men. That is simply reality. Until this is righted single men will continue to walk away because they should.
There is only one solution in sight until Christ returns to crush the rebellious. The solution In the near term is equality under the law. True 50% child custody and no alimony following a frivolous divorce. Modern women will never return to patriarchy until they are forced to and you can’t make single men marry under a system that is destroying them. Legal equality is the only solution in the near term and likely won’t happen therefore marriage will all but die in the west.
THIS. The collection plate and its contents are what controls what comes put of most pastors’ mouths, as they are completely dependent on it for their livelihoods.
This almost made me cry! What a beautiful example of how fruitful and peaceful a marriage and family can be when we do things GOD’S way! This has encouraged me to make sure I’m praising my husband more in front of our children. Thank you for sharing this testimony, sweet sister in Christ! May we continue on the good path!
What a beautiful testimony Heather! It blesses my heart to hear praise reports like this. Now let me go praise my hubby for all that he does for our family 🙂
In New Zealand, we have 50/50 custody by default and no alimony. Child support is paid by both men and women. Divorce is still common. As is people living together without marriage – but here, the law sees couples as married (as far as relationship property goes) once they’ve been living together for two years.
I am genuinely puzzled why Sop thought that it was ok to say that wall painting was 20,000 years old. How did she? (I presume that it is a woman) come to that conclusion? Scientists? Because the Bible tells us hostile old the Earth is.
Modern society is such that women in the west will never be “forced” to return to patriarchy. And forcing people to do something doesn’t get the best results anyway. Living in a patriarchal relationship, like anything else, is a choice. There are still and always will be, women who choose it.
And just as Paul said, if men can control their sex drive and not fornicate or watch porn, they don’t need to marry. Paul was single and did the Lord’s work well. That option is still open for men today.
The option that ISN’T open for Christian men is refusing marriage while engaging in pre-marital sex and porn. Just as that option isn’t open for Christian women (but it’s not the women shunning marriage).
In America even an adulterous woman can divorce her husband and count on almost automatically receiving primary physical custody of any children. The Ex-husband and father is then reduced, by legal decree, to a visitor in the lives of his own children. The woman can then move another man into her former husbands home and bed. The new happy couple can then count on receiving a monthly check from the ex-husband. This will be legally enforceable to the point of imprisonment.
I personally know Christian men who have lived this. How bad does it have to get before our church leaders start to recognize why good single men are walking away from Marriage and church?
That is only true if you accept a day in creation to be 24 hours. However, the Bible tells us that to God, a day is as 1000 years. So God may have created the earth over a long period of time, allowing for glacier-carved valleys and multiple layer rock formations.
The only thing about creation that we know for certain, is that God created everything.
Actually, if you’ll study your history, you’ll find women weren’t given the choice in Patriarchy. Women gladly accepted patriarchy because the alternative was being left to the wolves, figuratively and literally. Feminism and female rebellion only develop near the end of nice comfortable advanced civilization, typically before they collapse. See: the Fall of the Roman Empire. What do you think would happen to women, even in this modern society, if the thin veneer we call civilization peels away? Women lose the protection of men that they so obliviously take for granted. Law and order breaks down, economic collapse, power outages, food shortages? See: German women of Berlin Germany after the collapse of in WW2. Actually forget that… You probably couldn’t handle it. Suffice it to say feminist would be begging for patriarchy. Just trust me.
Christian single men had better man up and marry because of fornication? I can’t imagine it’s any different in New Zealand but I think you might be confused about the reputation of women in the west, including professing Christian women. The reputation of the modern woman is that she’s sexually generous when she’s single but then later withholds sex from the husband that was foolish enough to marry her. Men understand and indeed studies show.
Many a married man lives a near celibate life with a porn addiction. Even the churches here openly recognize this. Where is the incentive for single men? I don’t think Christian women quite understand their reputation in the minds of young men in the new millennium. Personally I’m not even tempted by porn. It’s nothing more than female manipulation of men. Sadly, the same can be said about the average marriage. A manipulated husband. More men are walking away. We’re going to break all this manipulation, one way or another.
I am not a feminist. Aside from believing in equal rights for all, I believe God’s commands that women are to be in subjection to their husbands and I do my best to follow that, even when addiction makes it hard.
I attend a small, conservative fellowship in a home, led by men. I’m doing my best to do things God’s way.
We are raising our daughters to be chaste and our sons to be good men.
If young men can not find good women, they’re looking in the wrong place. Get away from the mega-churches. Get away from the worldly churches. There ARE plenty of good young men and women out there but you’re not going to find them with a chip on your shoulder the size of a boulder.
That men should marry because of fornication is not my idea, it’s God’s.
I truly don’t worry about what would happen if civilisation breaks down. God is in control. As long as I believe on Him and follow His commands, what does it matter what’s going on around me?
Amen, KAK!
Patriarchy is God’s clearly prescribed design for human relationships and society. It’s also in the very nature of humans. Men are simply stronger in every way that counts. If men in the majority decided patriarchy was the answer it would be reinstated overnight. Women wouldn’t even be asked for their opinions on the matter. This isn’t on the immediate horizon short of a collapse of civilization at which point it happens automatically.
Regarding marriage, again, as a legally enforceable contract for men it no longer exist in America. Men are being asked to marry under circumstances where they have no rights as fathers or to their property beyond the mood of their wives not to exercise her unilateral power over his life. Wives have a reputation for frivolously abusing this power with the help of the discriminatory courts, culture and false church.
What else needs to be said? Marriage simply no longer makes logical sense in this legal, social climate. Emotion has nothing to do with it. It’s simply logical self preservation for men to avoid marriage. For the same reason men wouldn’t board a ship they knows is sabotage with a bomb men are avoiding marriage. The bomb might not go off, board it anyway? It’s convenient for women? Pass.
Men are going to continue to walk away en masse until this biased, discriminatory situation is righted. Since patriarchy is off the table for now actual equality in child custody and property distribution following a divorce is the only hope, in the near term, to slow the tide of men walking away, maybe. You’ll still have the problem of harlotry, sexless marriage, princess syndrome and general bad attitude among wives but with equality men might take the gamble, maybe.
I’ve seen nothing to refute this position yet.
“actual equality in child custody and property distribution following a divorce is the only hope, in the near term, to slow the tide of men walking away, maybe.”
We have this in New Zealand. A quick search shows that in 2018 in NZ the divorce rate was 7.7 per 1000 marriages. In the USA the divorce rate is 2.9 per 1000 marriages.
In NZ it is still women (as it is in America) who initiate more divorces.
In USA the marriage rate is declining – only 6.5 marriages per 1000 people in 2018, down from 9.8 marriages per 1000 people in the 90s.
In NZ in 2019 the marriage rate was 9.8 per 1000 people.
So you could be right that truly equal child custody and property distribution (it’s 50/50 here by default for both child custody and property distribution, no alimony) brings up the marriage rate.
Sadly though, it doesn’t lower the divorce rate.
I fully suspect that if actual equality in divorce was legislated in the US divorce rates would decline but new marriages would decline as well. Equality is for women here a step down from the position of privilege they currently enjoy. Women know, standing at the altar, they can check out later with cash and prizes if they decide they aren’t happy or just want to try to find a better husband. If they know, in advance, they are bound to a man or stuck with difficult consequences? A lot of these women would just choose to remain single. Feminism is ingrained, even in the church. Feminism is rebellion.
In America the single years for most women are for casual sex and excitement. Marriage is for money. Women marry men who make more money 90% of the time according to the US Census statistics. They’re not picking these men primarily for love or sexual desires. It’s about business, even if subconsciously. The math doesn’t lie.
Leadership and headship are not the same thing. To be the “Head” of something is to be at the top of a hierarchy. As Jesus was the head of His disciples, so too should a husband be over his family.
Leadership is more in the realm of influence and authority. It’s nuanced. It can be VERY separate from headship. Have you not had a boss that, while they were over people, held absolutely no influence over them or their actions or decisions?? I certainly have. Leadership provides a comprehensive vision of what the family or organization should be and how they are to arrive at that goal. Jesus held great influence over His followers and they tried to follow His example and when in an unclear situation went to Him for clarification. It’s also important to observe that Jesus allowed His followers to question Him and to make decisions of their own—He gently corrected them when they did wrong.
Dominance is not Biblical. Dominance leads to domineering and tyrannical behaviors, none of which, set a Christ-like, positive example for your family. Dominance is headship without the vision or influence of leadership. Surely you can see where that might invite rogue behaviors in your family, right? But it’s hard to not fall into this trap, as so many young men get taught that this is Headship/Leadership. Young men should actively be taught by their fathers what leadership truly is and molded to be good leaders and men of God.
So many young women are being taught to equate “submissive” with “stupid, unthinking, oppressed slaves/door mats/some other pejorative.” They are taught that they are entitled to corner suit jobs, sex with random men and without any judgement/consequence, and that all forms of masculine leadership are oppressive. So many young women are raised in 1 parent households….which became no parent households when Mom had to work 2 jobs or Mom had to date because she was lonely for a certain type of companionship. They are taught to believe that this is the equivalent of a two biological parent household. It’s not, but the Leftists and other secular people get offended when we point this out.
Be the kind of Godly man you want your sons to become and the kind of Godly man you want your daughter to marry.