More Problems with Daycare

More Problems with Daycare

Last week, I wrote a post about the problems with daycare. When I saw all of the comments being made on Facebook under this post, I came up with a few more problems. For one thing and most importantly, God commands mothers be the ones to bring their children up in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. Yes, this command is given to fathers but as our husband’s help meet, we are to help him in this area since we are the ones home full time with the children.

Who will train them if the children are away from their mothers all day long five days a week? Who will discipline and correct their bad behavior? Who will praise them when they choose to do the right thing? Who will read them Bible stories and point them to Jesus all throughout the day? How will they see godly womanhood modeled if they aren’t with their godly mothers full time? How will the daughters grow up wanting to be wives and mothers at home if they don’t see their own mothers doing this? They will want careers instead because this is all that is modeled to them by the world. We need more mothers at home not less. We need less career women and more mothers!

Another thing, what about the high cost of daycare? Yes, I know some in the government are trying to get “free” childcare but nothing is ever free from the government. Someone is paying for it and the higher taxes will only mean that more mothers must leave their homes to pay the higher taxes. No one wins in this situation! It will also encourage more women to work since childcare is “free.” No, providing “free” childcare is not the answer.

I was talking to a young woman recently and she said that a very nice childcare near her home costs $30,000 a year! A mother could easily stay home instead of paying this high cost. I encourage every mother who is working outside of the home to figure out exactly how much income she brings home after deducting the costs of daycare, wear and tear on the car, extra clothing, gas, food that she can’t prepare from scratch, not having time to compare prices and shop frugally, and so on. The amount that she brings home may be much less than she thinks and she may be able to find a way to live simply and frugally within her husband’s income.

On this previous post about daycare, I was accused of “mommy shaming” and judging working mothers. So not “mommy shaming” is more important to women today than teaching what is best for children? How is it “mommy shaming” and judging to teach women God’s will for them? Did you know that it’s not bad to feel shame when confronted with the truth? Instead of feeling conviction when they hear the truth being taught, they are offended and call the one teaching it judgmental and shaming. Our culture makes shame feel like a horrible thing but if it causes people to reconsider the path they are on and begin obeying God, then it’s a good thing!

If some were to tell me that at my age and with no children in the home, I should go back to teaching full time, make money, and do “something” with my life, I would feel absolutely no shame because I know I am right where I am supposed to be. If you know you are doing the right thing, then no one can make you feel any shame!

The Apostle Paul wrote about causing shame when confronting people with truth (1 Corinthians 6:5). If a mother knows she is doing the best she can do and still must work outside of the home, then she should feel no shame. Yes, she will probably still feel guilt and regret while continuing to seek the Lord in making a way for her to come home, but she will freely admit that she knows that it would be far superior to be the one home with her children rather than put them in daycare. She understands that God’s ways are best even if she can’t do them at this point in her life.

Throughout the years that I have been mentoring and teaching women, many have told me that they have gone home to be with their children. Some had no idea how they were going to make it financially but they took a step of faith and went home. They saw God’s provision every step of the way. Sometimes, their husband’s received a pay raise or a better job. Sometimes, they found a way to make money from home but how will one ever know how God will answer abundantly above anything they can ever ask or think if they never take a step of faith in the direction that He calls them to do?

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.
Ephesians 3:20

28 thoughts on “More Problems with Daycare

  1. Agreed! So many parents excuse their sub par parenting to avoid feeling any guilt or judgment! well guess what??? I WILL judge anyone who shirks their responsibilities to care for their own child by putting them in the care of unconcerned strangers 5 days a week! Judgement is not the evil of evils: it holds us accountable for our behavior good or bad! Guilt is not the enemy; it makes us moral people! And if you’ve earned either one, the bigger person owes up to it and says “mea culpa”… Stop your disgusting excuses, ladies, for raising a generation of latch key kids, broken homes, bitter radical feminists, and kids with anxiety, depression, promiscuity etc etc… from being raised in a broken home and with an inattentive parent who cares more for her own comforts and pleasures than her children’s! Don’t have kids you can’t afford to raise properly!!!

    1. Lady of Reason, I mostly agree with you, but when you say things like “Don’t have kids you can’t afford to raise properly,” I hope you’ll clarify that you mean don’t have sex if you’re not in a good position to raise children (in a marriage with a husband who will provide) instead of inadvertently encouraging women to have abortions if they are pregnant under circumstances that are not ideal.

      1. It would not be fair to your husband to abstain from sex simply because you don’t want/can’t raise children in the time being. Use NFP or condoms and figure something out as far as having children goes, but don’t simply abstain from sex. You’ll only be pushing your husband away. It’s not just a physical release for men, it’s a deep bonding experience. Trust me, you’ll be doing your marriage a disservice, and that’s not good for any child.

  2. Thank you for pointing out the cost of daycare. Anyone reading this who is a working mom, I would strongly suggest you take Lori’s advice and figure out exactly how much you’re bringing home after daycare, gas, lunches, work clothes, etc.

    When my boys were little (they are now adults), I was working outside the home for health insurance. I made about $900 a month after taxes/insurance, and daycare (late 1990s) was $750 a month (it’s much more than that now; for 2 kids it would probably be close to $2000 a month). We used to say I worked for health insurance.

    DH and I have had discussions that if we had it to do over again, we’d have figured out something else for health insurance and I would have stayed home. Our younger son was in a large daycare and constantly sick, needing ear tubes at 19 months.

  3. I would also like to point out that I think churches are adding to the problem with “Mother’s Day Out” programs. Moms are made to feel good about dropping off their babies 3 times a week because it is a church program. It irritates me that moms call this “school” for their 2 year old in reality it is daycare. I honestly feel like these church programs do more harm than good.

  4. I hope these same women won’t mind when their children ship them off to a nursing home without the love of family and the regular abuses found in them. After all, their children’s careers are so much more important than familial relationships.

  5. Thankful for this and yesterday’s post. When we as older women get beyond caring what other people think of us for speaking the truth in love, we will become better ambassadors for Christ. I recently sent out Dr. Brenda Hunter ‘s book about the emotional security of children being home with their own mothers to my niece. I pray the Lord will use it for His glory in her decision making process since she was raised by a career mom.

  6. How come suggesting that mothers should stay home to look after their children is ‘shaming’ but tell mothers who stay home as they should that they are under-achievers wasting their lives and careers – as feminists do is okay ?!

    Except in exceptional circumstances which are due to matters beyond her control (such as widowshood, or a husband’s serious illness) a mother should always prioritise caring for her children above all else. Women who put career before motherhood deserve to be shamed.

  7. Lori I agree with you, however it one commenter’s post disturbs me. It is up to the Lord how many children you have, not you. It is not wrong for husband and wife to have a sexual relationship that results in children, no matter how much money they do or don’t make. As the saying goes, there is never a “good time” to have children 🙂 if you wait until you “can afford” them, then you might never have children at all! Maybe a post about this would change the minds of some posters that don’t realize children are a gift no matter the financial circumstances.

    1. I know if Tim and I waited until we can afford children, we definitely would never have any. And daycare not only is the cost too much, but it’s not safe. Last month a woman stabbed three babies under a month old. They survived, Ithink, but these little ones should have been with their mommies.

    2. I completely agree with Kate ! It is for God to ‘plan’ our families and the sexual relationship between husband and wife should always take place in the context of welcoming the blessing of children, not in fear of them, nor with any wish to reject God’s blessing of life in the womb.

    3. Completely agreed!!! Our precious daughter would not be here if we had avoided being open to children when we “couldn’t afford it.” Children are ALWAYS a blessing!

  8. Not a mom, as most of you already know. But, I worked pre-schools through high school and college. Ages 16-22. By 17 yo, I announced to anyone that would listen that I would NEVER leave my child in pre-school all day.

    Let me say that I worked in a wonderful church school all those years. We sang Jesus songs, celebrated all the holidays, prayed, etc. I loved spending my work hours with those kids (age 3 was my fave, by the way!). I played in the dirt with them, rocked them to sleep at times, dressed up for certain story times, etc. But, I wasn’t mom and was never going to be. I might have been fun Miss Debby, but I was no substitute for who those kids really needed.

    Worse, there were days I worked split shifts in summer. I would arrive at 7am drop off, go home for a 3 hr. lunch and return for the afternoon. Last pick up was 5:30pm and some of those wee ones were there all stinking day long. In our childhood ed classes, we learned that kids needed 10-12 hrs. of sleep per night. I used to calculate that if they got up at 6am, had a bowl of cereal, drove to school, spent the day there, went home, ate dinner, took a bath, and went to bed, that they spent only about 2 waking hours of 24 with their parents each day.

    As for “quality time”, baloney. I always figured a guilty parent came up with that phrase to make themselves feel superior to those at home.

    This *older woman* had it all figured out by the ripe young age of 17 and nobody was ever able to change my mind. I could argue (and did) anyone into the ground with all their talk about independence & such.

    In a huff, they’d finally announce, “You’ve never been a mom. You just DON’T GET IT.”

    1. A wonderful perspective ! Let’s hope you meet a Godly husband and have the opportunity to stay home nurturing a blessed family of your own.

    2. I’ve had co-workers who took their children to daycare even when they were off. These particular parents just didn’t want their children around. So so very sad.

  9. My son came home from work this summer relating that his boss’s wife had just had a baby. Five weeks went by and she was due to go back to work. They were looking into daycare, but she was having 2nd thoughts. As the day grew closer for her to return, she began crying day after day. Her husband was beside himself, but he also was pushing her to return to work because of their bills. The next we heard, the baby was in daycare. So, I would suggest that perhaps it’s not so easy or cut and dried for some of these women. I believe they carry around guilt because what they thought was going to be ‘6 week maternity leave’ ended up being the most beautiful bonding experience they could have ever imagined. Now, they are leaving their precious baby in the hands of strangers, and they are hating every minute of it. So, they bury their pain under a tough exterior pretending everything is ok and becoming defensive when their choice is brought under fire. I know my sisters felt that way, but they had my mom to babysit for them, not the daycare. Grandma still isn’t a substitute for momma either, although perhaps a better choice.

  10. I am not offended at all when someone like Lori lovingly teaches truth about staying home with your children if at all possible. What really bothers me is the lack of love in the responses from some of the commenters on this page. There are many women who HAVE to work and absolutely HATE being away from their kids all day, but don’t have a choice. Your responses about not having kids, or wishing these women a horrid experience in a nursing home is not Christ-like at all, and it grieves me. If you call yourselves Christ-followers, please check your motives. Truth is not to be wielded like a sword without love.

  11. First of all, a couple of caveats: I know women who would go bananas at being stay-at-home mothers, and I’m not going to tell them to leave work. Frankly, I think it is to their children’s benefit that they are out of the home all day.

    Second, I would prefer women who have undergone lengthy and extensive training (such as doctors and scientists) to remain in the workforce. We can certainly have a conversation about the merits of women in such positions, but those women who have spent many years acquiring specialized skills ought not retire their services so early; it’s a waste of their training. I would be most disappointed to hear that the brain surgeon I was hoping would operate on my son’s tumor (this is a hypothetical situation, thank God) had retired to stay at home with her kids.

    Caveats aside, I believe that it is most beneficial for mothers to stay home with their kids. However, social pressures make it ever more difficult–prices are inflated as double incomes become the norm, and parents are considered unfit if they don’t give their children extracurriculars that may entail a great deal of expense. Social policies are headed toward paid maternity leave, which in theory would keep more small babies out of daycare but is intended to keep women in the workforce.

    I’m lucky enough to be able to stay home with my kids. This does entail an economic hit–not only could I earn enough to offset daycare, but I’d also be contributing to social security and making myself more marketable for when my children are older. (However, our taxes would also rise, too.) If my husband died (which may God forbid), I’d better be able to handle the economic burden of widowhood if I were already working outside the home.

    Nevertheless, I cannot imagine how stressed our household would be. Already there hardly seem enough hours in the day for everything to be done, and this is with my husband working from home. And, quite frankly, I think even a good, high-quality program stresses out children more than it helps, except for a lovely “preschool” setup I know of which consists of the kids being turned loose on a farm all day for one day a week.

    This is a conversation worth having, however emotionally charged it may be to some. I hope the conversation will continue.

    1. Thank you for your well thought out comment, Heidi, though I disagree with some of your points. The most important one: I have needed two brain surgeries because of a brain tumor. If there was a female brain surgeon who I wanted but quit to go home and take care of her children, I would be extremely happy for her and her children, plus I know there are other wonderful brain surgeons. No one can take the place of that mother, even if she is a brain surgeon, in her children’s lives but there are others who can do brain surgeries. It would be selfish to want the female brain surgeon to keep working for me instead of being home full time with her children who need her much more.

      1. Thanks for your reply! On behalf of my own kids, I will most happily be selfish; i.e., I want the best person for the job, regardless of their own personal life.

        But there is the question that some jobs require extremely resource-intensive training, such that it simply isn’t very easy to replace those who retire from the field. Now, this is becoming quite a problem in obstetrics and gynecology, because the profession is now dominated by women; this surely helps those (many) women who are more comfortable with a female provider, but the fact remains that female obgyns are likely to work shorter hours, “drop out” for a few years to have children, and retire earlier. Done on a large scale, this creates a doctor shortage that cannot quickly or easily be remedied. Midwives, nurse practitioners, and other “advanced practice” nurses can fill in the gap to some extent, but they can’t do everything a doctor can and they’re subject to some of the same work-life conundrums a doctor is, albeit with less investment of time and expense.

        I think this is something we should be bringing up with young women going into the field. It is not possible to predict one’s life several years into the future, of course, and one may undergo a radical shift in values and beliefs; but I think that more energy should be used at the outset in explaining the various tradeoffs that come with different career choices. And if a woman is given accurate information and chooses to take a spot in a competitive program, then it seems to me that she ought to stay in the profession if she can. Frankly, the notion that we can have it all is a lie, and people need to be reminded of that high-school economics concept, “opportunity cost.”

        Thanks for the blog. It’s very thought-provoking.

  12. Surely it would be better if women who plan on marriage and therefore anticipate motherhood did not embark on the sort of career path which requires extensive and recourse heavy training which will in all likelihood be wasted ?!

  13. There is always someone bringing up lots of “good points”, but is the matter up to what we think of it, or even up to our immature ways (as in going “bananas” if they had to stay home all day) or a lack of “ability” to stay home? Or is the matter based on the Scriptures which clearly state what women ought to do. Matthew 19:26b – With God all things are possible.

    Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
    Isaiah 55:8-9 – For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
    For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

    This to say, we don’t do things based on what we think, but on what God tells us to do. It doesn’t matter to me if someone here agrees or disagrees with God’s truth and ways. I will follow Him, even if I don’t always understand His ways or reasons. So someone else’s opinions don’t really matter at all, wouldn’t you say?

  14. Yes daycare is horrible to some extent. (Can clearly remember my 3 year old niece showing me her scratched face after a child who was a real psycho attacked her. However there are lone mothers who have no choice but to work.

    I believe generally if you can’t afford to have children without working full-time, do yourself a favour and either don’t get married or go for NFP. I do not believe in the pill as it destroys life. Another option is getting your tubes tied.

    People can go on about ‘leaving it to the lord’ as to how much children to have but when you can’t afford to feed them or clothe them properly, it gives Christianity a bad name. Eventually these children grow up and become apostates due to the fact that their parents could not afford to give them a decent standard of living.

    God gave us as brain to use and we must use it. There is nothing fun when you are wearing old hand me downs as and living on canned foods and ending up with a speech problem because your parents were too poor to sort out a tongue tie or buy fresh food.

    Therefore, have children as they are a blessing according to God but make sure you have good finances so that you don’t bring a repute on the Lord’s name.

    I

    1. So are you saying that the God of the universe, the one who owns a thousand cattle on the hills, and our Great Provider won’t provide for us if we have more children than “we can afford”? I encourage you to subscribe to the free magazine by Above Rubies and read how God provides when His children need provision for more children. What you are saying is that birth control is a good thing then? No! The Iraelites grew powerful when they were in Egypt because they kept having babies.

  15. Hello all! I’m currently holding my 6 week old (he fell asleep in his daddy’s arms and then my husband fell asleep and I’m up, wide awake) and reading this post as we speak and I can honestly say that there is nothing like the feeling of the wonderful bond of love that is created even with all the little things babies and children can show us. As a young mother, there’s an immense sense of joy and compassion caring for your baby and how, if daycare had to be an option for some, much you can miss without being with them. The way babies yearn for their mothers’ touch; the way they jerk their arms up for you when you try endlessly to put them down for sleep; the way they instantly know who you are just by your voice, smell, and touch (not to mention chest now) even when they cry when handing them over to your husband (at least with my baby); the way they will cuddle with you and nuzzle into your neck for comfort; the way they will cry for you when you hand them off to someone else; those smiles they will give you after a long day of stress that just melts your heart and makes you forget about every little annoyance that happened earlier in the day (regardless if it may be ‘gas’); the way they look into your eyes when breastfeeding (or bottle) and feel the security you are there to nourish them; and just the way they want — you! Why should it matter if anyone were to say to you that your baby is so “attached” to you? I’d say that was a compliment — at least you have full assurance your baby needs, wants, and desires you! Something you don’t get too often in this day and age. And isn’t it amazing how, when you’re feeling so worn out and tired and want a break that your baby still wants to be with you? Doesn’t this remind us of someone else?

    I believe God created babies that way so that mothers can create that indefinite bond with thier child — the bond that instantly causes us to pour out a vast amount of love for someone we barely even knew while being in our tummies! — and to grasp the relationship the Father has with his Son Jesus and how much he loves us — even before we were created! How, as a mother, can I look at my baby while crying and simply walk away without having any care or need to comfort them? I know it would tear my heart if I were to ever see this from anyone. Would Christ turn his head at us when we are in need of His comfort? Even to the thief on the Cross he told him he would be in paradise with Him. My point is that babies and children are not just a blessing from God, but a wonderful reminder of how much God loves us and wants us to be the nurturing, caring, compassionate parents to them as He is to us. And yes, I believe daycare takes that bond that we develop away from our babies.

    I understand culture’s so-called reasoning and situations where mothers can’t stay home, but only staying at home with my son for 6 weeks has shown that I couldn’t go back to work as a music teacher — even if I did choose this profession in school with the idea that it’s one of the best choices for a career for raising a family. Funny how things can change.

    I was offered to work at a daycare and be in the infant section and I could bring my son. Sounds like the best of both worlds? Yes but no. I turned it down because my son needs me. Yes, I might as well admit, he’s very needy and dependent. Sounds just like a baby, huh? Well, in one sense I think daycares can destroy that relationship and bond with your child. I feared that if I worked there, I would neglect my own son because of tending someone else’s in front of him. And in all honestly, and I may sound selfish (but how could I not over my own child?), I only wanted to be the one running to my child’s cry and not anyone else. I, as a mother, know how to comfort my child. Something all mothers can relate to. So I’m now at home with him and would never give it up for anything. I would sacrifice my entire teaching career in the ‘real world’ just for staying at home. All the reputable offers, high GPA, awards, and excellent recommendations and resumes I have is all vanity when it comes to being a stay at home mom for me. I’d rather be told that all my hard work was paid off for in the end by raising my children; not by raising my career.

    Besides, I can teach anytime I want without a salary tied to me. Because while money might get us by, it could never replace a human being that has a soul that was created by God. And if that is a main thought as to not have children, I think all of us better have that brain surgery after all.

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