Withholding Sexual Intimacy From Husbands

Withholding Sexual Intimacy From Husbands

This was a comment by Trey on my post Giving Men a Voice on Being Starved for Sex.

There is not enough plain talk in the world theses days. Here are some plain words, spoken in love, to all of you women out there.

Too many women want to try and make this a complex issue and discuss it (ad nauseam) from every possible angle. They have a thousand excuses for why they don’t “want” or “feel” like having sex with their husbands but when you blow away all of the smoke and smash all of the mirrors it all boils down to just… one… thing. SIN! Women withholding sex (and not just sex but intimacy) from their husbands is just another way that they are not obeying God by submitting THEMSELVES unto their own husbands in EVERYTHING and are sinfully maintaining that CONTROL for themselves.

I will say this as plain as it is. With very, very few exceptions (rare health issues, addictions, or physically abusive situations), if you are a woman who calls herself Godly and thinks she is following Jesus Christ in her life but withholding sex from your husband, you are living in a delusional fantasy. You are not serving Christ but Satan, and Christ (if you even know Him) is severely grieved by your wretchedly SINFUL behavior. PERIOD.

You cannot even fathom the amount and depth of damage that you are doing to your husband, your marriage, your children, and consequently, yourselves. This is yet another area where women are their own worst enemies! If you engage in this wretchedly sinful behavior, you are heaping tons of damage, pain, and suffering on yourselves and everyone you claim to love most!

God made sex for marriage and He tells you in the Bible that you should be having it and that you should not cease from having it often except by mutual agreement and then only for a short specific time period for a specific purpose (1 Corinthians 7:2-5). God made sex to be enjoyed by men and women equally. Most men are driven to it by their hormones. Most women must often (out of obedience) choose to do it whether they “feel” like it or not. Men go off to work every day to provide whether or not they “feel” like it.

And speaking of hormones ladies, if it were not for abundant testosterone and the sex drive that God put into men making them attracted to women for sex, I personally don’t believe that the vast majority of men would choose to have anything to do with women at all. Women are, in so many ways, different than men and are so confusing, emotional, irrational and so much trouble that without the sex drive, the vast majority of men would not give a woman the time of day.

So, in essence, the thing that so many women despise about men is the only thing that draws them to you and gets them to marry you and provide for you and protect you in the first place! Then you take it away from them and they are forced to stay married to you because of their commitment to God? SERIOUSLY!?!?! And women are constantly complaining about how men physically and emotionally abuse them?! The majority of women (in our society) have never experienced physical abuse, and I would contend that much of the emotional abuse they have experienced is of their own making. (If you are truly being physically or emotionally abused, please click HERE.) I will assure you that every man married to a gate-keeping or refusing wife is both physically AND emotionally abused by their wives!!!

God made sex to bring a husband and wife together in body, soul, and spirit. Among other things, it is the magnet that draws and the glue that binds your husband to you. You women want to have a close and intimate “oneness” relationship with your husband? Sex is the path that God created to draw your man to you and bind the two of you together. Your husband not only has a physical NEED for sex (just like he needs to eat food and drink water to survive), he also has an emotional need for it. Both of these needs were God created so if you despise them, you are despising God.

Even if you give your husband all of the sex he wants and his physical needs are met, if you do not emotionally participate (rather just give him Duty Sex), his emotional needs are still not met and no intimacy will be created between the two of you. Women, there are no half measures here. You have to give YOURSELF COMPLETELY (physically and emotionally) to your husband for God’s blessings to be realized.

Lots of men will just fake it and apologize when they are not even in the wrong and force themselves to do nice things like washing the dishes or vacuum and pretend to show kindness toward you… all in an effort to get sex because their physical need is so overwhelming but their words and actions are not real! It is just a show they are putting on to try and get you to have sex with them and in their hearts they resent it, and it damages any true intimacy that might be between you! If you want their feelings and kind/thoughtful actions to be real toward you, then they require “quality” sex on a regular basis. God made it that quality sex on a regular basis ACTUALLY causes a man to feel closer to and have more loving thoughts and feelings toward his wife. It MAKES him feel more loving toward her. It MAKES him want to do things to please her and make her happy! It binds the two of you together in a oneness relationship! The lack of it does just the opposite.

What do I mean by “quality” sex? You must not just make your bodies “available” to your husband so they can use it to satisfy their physical needs, you must fully (mind, body, spirit) engage in the act with them. Don’t just have sex… MAKE LOVE!!! You must choose (yes, it is a mental choice on your part) to become aroused and give YOURSELVES fully and completely to him with no reservation. This level of trust and commitment might take some time and effort to achieve, but it is the goal you must never cease in striving for and practice makes perfect.

So many women cry and lament and are depressed that they don’t have a close and intimate relationship with their husband. Why does your husband not spend much time with you? Why don’t you share in deep and meaningful conversations and share your feelings together? Why don’t you feel the love, affection, and adoration coming from him? Why are you not cherished by your husband? If you find yourself asking those questions, then ask yourself this one: How fully and how often do you give yourself sexually to him? This is the primary key to achieving what you so deeply desire.

Women, as with so many things in marriage, you hold the keys!!! Obey God and do it His way and you (and your entire family) will reap His bountiful blessings. Disobey God and do it your way and it brings nothing but misery and pain.

Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5

***Here is an article for those women who have higher sex drives than their husbands.

99 thoughts on “Withholding Sexual Intimacy From Husbands

  1. Articles like this are so confusing to me. Before I got married I was so excited to be the wife that is aways available for my husband. Now that I’m married, my husband is completely happy to only make love a couple times a month! It’s caused a lot of confusion and hurt because I was expecting him to be like all the men there articles talk about. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I always ask him about it and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. It doesn’t bother him near as much as it bothers me. I remind him almost every time that it’s been too long since we’ve made love again. I’m trying so hard to just be ok with the way God made my man..it just is so discouraging reading that most men want it often and that my man is completely opposite. I need prayer for wisdom in my situation.

  2. Thank you Lori. I have read that article before and honestly it still doesn’t help. I guess it’s just something I have to keep working out with the Lord and my husband. I don’t wanna make him feel like I think there is something wrong with him but I just can’t stop bringing it up since it’s such a huge part of our marriage. I’ve actually asked him if he thinks he should get his testosterone levels checked but he doesn’t see the need for that. He’s only 26 so I can’t imagine what it will be like as he gets older.

  3. This is a tough message to hear but very true. I lost a lot of good times in the early years of my marriage figuring this out. But once my husband and I really worked on understand each others needs, and I became more mindful in the moment, our marriage has become a wonderful blessing.

  4. There is a lot of research on diet and lower testosterone levels. Here are some articles that may help you begin to fix foods for him that will nourish his body and help make him healthier sexually:


    These are two knowledgeable guys in the area of restoring gut health which usually is the key to good health. Our foods are filled with so many antibiotics, hormones, plastics which disrupt hormones, etc. that this would be a good place to start.

  5. This is wonderful to hear, Ginger. If all of the older godly women in the churches were teaching the younger women that a large part of loving their husbands includes regular sex, marriages would be a lot stronger than they are today. Instead, women are getting involved in porn, reading sexually explicit romance novels, and watching inappropriate TV shows and movies without understanding that this ultimately is working to destroy a quality sex life with their husbands.

  6. Thank you so much! I really appreciate you’re help! I’ll definitely look into this article!

  7. So good! This has been an area I have grown a lot in. I’ve realized with having 5 babies in 6 years I can’t depend on my feeling….my hormones are all over the place and I’m able to commit to sex even when I don’t “feel” like it.

    I feel like this has helped us so much. I just had surgery yesterday and sex is not possible for probably at least two weeks because of the location and pain I’m in, plus stuck in bed and not even able to sit. I feel like because my husband is more sexually satisfied he is able to handle times like these (and postpartum times) easier. He is able to have self-control and wait until I’m able again.

  8. Brittany – Please don’t be confused. The Bible is EQUAL opportunity on this topic concerning wives and husbands and God did that for a reason.

    1 Corinthians 7:2-5 “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

    The way these verses are written, it is clear that God knew that there would be some marriages out there where the wife will have the higher drive. 🙂

    I am no expert but of those that I have read, it is estimated that (at least) 20% of women are the “higher drive” spouse in a marriage. It does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with him. It does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with you. Odds are, you are just in one of those 20% of marriages.

    Don’t let the enemy use this to cause you to be confused or hurt. It is just another challenge that God has placed in your life to give you the opportunity to handle it correctly and please and glorify Christ through your words and actions. Also, make sure you let your needs be known to your husband so that he will have the opportunity to please and glorify Christ through his obedience to the Lord also.

  9. My husband cheated on me. I feel like I was thrown in the dumpster. My heart was torn in 1000 peaces. Rechected. We are seperated right now and have a 3 yr old and a 2 yr old. I just dont know if he ever really loved me. I know the bible says that I can divorce. But another part o dont want my family to be destroyed. But the TRUST has been broken. My marraige vows were broken. My mind and heart are confused. I can forgive but dont know if we should continue a broken relationship. It takes time to heal. I am doing much better. This happened christmas and mes years. He went out of the country to see this younger. Prettier. And skinnier girl. And o spoke with that girl and she didnt care that he was married. They were dating for 1 yr. And he had fallen in love with her and he was going to leave me to Marry her. He even sent me pictures with him and her on christmas. At that time he was drinking alot he stopped drinking and is trying to get his life and finances straight. I dont know what to do.

  10. My encouragement to you, DJ, is to do everything in your power to heal your marriage. Even though he wasn’t a vowkeeper, you be a vowkeeper. We are to forgive 70 X 7 times and love even our enemies. Read and study 1 Peter 3:1-6 for this is God’s prescription for you in the situation you are in. Begin being kind and loving towards him.

    Allow God’s Word to dwell in you richly and His Spirit to work mightily within you. I can tell you true stories of women winning their husbands back after having affairs and their marriages are stronger and better than ever before.

    God is a restorer of broken marriages and He can do this for you. Simply obey what He has commanded you to do and rest in Him. Your two children need their father married to their mother under the same roof. Win your husband to yourself and then live as a godly, submissive wife to him. You won’t regret it!

  11. Thank you for again posting on this subject, Lori. I long to hear this message preached from the pulpit to spouses who would justify their sinning against their mate like this.

  12. Hi Brittany,
    I’m not sure how long you’ve been married, but don’t be discouraged! It sometimes takes awhile to understand one an others flow and I don’t think it’s necessarily yours or his “fault” and should work on coming together rather than placing blame. Trey’s verses here are great and it’s good to remember that we need mutual submission to each other in this realm.

    My hubby and I have comparative sex drives, but we have completely different times of day that we want to make love and they don’t always line up! Not only that, but he works on a project-basis as a fabricator so sometimes he works crazy hours and other times, he will have a week off randomly. This also greatly impacts if he’s in the mood or not (sleep>sex).

  13. Also, just as a thought, is your husband not an instigator? Mine is not, it isn’t that he doesn’t necessarily want it, but I think he doesn’t want to ask, even though he knows he will never be turned away.

    If you send him messages and help him see that you are interested, maybe it will be less intimidating and make him think about it during the day.

    And you may have to go with once or twice a week. Because that may be his need. Not all men need it constantly, but it also doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. I think that is why it is so hard to hear things like what is written above, because it can make some women feel like they are unwanted.

    Every man is different and that is ok. It is important for you to see what he needs and figure out how to help.

    I hope this makes sense and I hope that, some day, you can see that the fact that he doesn’t need it all the time doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need you or doesn’t find you attractive.

  14. Also, I would encourage you to talk to him rather than assuming there’s something wrong. Ask questions and listen to the answers. If this is an uncomfortable subject, perhaps trying different foreplay techniques to get you both in the mood would be good to test.

  15. Yes, it should be, Charles, but sadly, it is not. It seems most preachers are too afraid of women to preach this truth to them. Most women aren’t easy to teach these days because of the feminist air they’ve been breathing their entire lives. “I’m going to do it my way!”

  16. Thank you all for your input. Wow. What a blessing to have so many people who truly care! It’s definitely easy to feel like my husband doesn’t need me or desire me when he’s not pursuing me much at all. He tries to reassure me that he does whenever I talk to him about this. I try to initiate lovemaking once a week otherwise it’s even longer between. He says he doesn’t feel more easily tempted when we haven’t come together for awhile. He knows I’m always willing and available with much enthusiasm. This is gonna probably sound a bit proud on my part but sometimes I think that he has no idea how good he has it when so many other men are starving and their wives won’t give it! Hope I’m not saying too much. I am thankful for everyone’s input.

  17. Hi Dj,
    I cheated on my husband over a decade ago. I was a very emotional person and immature. And both of us came from broken homes. I was ready to divorce him , I had a 6 month old daughter and I had an affair with a man 10 years older. My husband, although he was broken, never ceased to pray for me to return, never ceased to say positive things about me to others, was still faithful in providing for our family and would do a full days work (up to 12 hours!) Then drive 11 hours just to spend 1 hour with our daughter before driving back again and putting in another full days work. He had an army of people praying for us. And eventually, 9 months later we were reconciled. Its been over 10 years since that terrible time in our marriage. But we are going strong and have 9 children! If my husband hadnt clung so close to God we would probably be divorced. Your marriage still has hope. It will be a tough road but not impossible. Whether or not he comes back is his choice. But you can either let your emotions rule you and make the journey harder, or you can let God carry your burden for you and have peace amidst the storm. Peacefulwife.com may help answer some of your questions. God Bless!

  18. I hope this doesn’t come off as a negative comment. Though I really appreciate the men’s input here, sometimes I feel uncomfortable discussing some topics in mixed company.

  19. That men like sex and want it often? I believe it’s good to hear what men have to say about what pleases them and how their minds think. It would probably be awkward if we were in a room all together discussing this but we’re not and no specifics are being given. It’s more like we’re simply reading what other men’s views are on this important topic. It’s no different than reading it in a book since none of know each other. I am sure some preachers have preached something similar to Trey’s comments.

  20. No, you aren’t saying too much, Brittany, and he doesn’t understand how good he has it. I am sure many men who read your comment would love for their wives to be such loving spouses to them.

  21. Well, that’s it in a nutshell. We have christian lawyers that told us in the many generations they have had that practise, not one soon to be divorced couple reconciled. So sad. It would be interesting to see how many of those divorces were instigated by women.

  22. I agree whole heartedly. Calling a spade a spade. Wow. So well said. That took me farther than I realized about myself. I never thought about it, but ya, I would never tie myself down to a woman if it were not for the expectation of sex. And, I don’t think I would be interested in pro-creation if sex didn’t come before and after.

    My contention has been that the healing of the church starts with women getting back in their rightful place. And that healing starts, and continues, in the bed …physically and emotionally.

    It is no coincidence that God likens His relationship to us as marriage, intimacy, “to know”, etc, and that the rejection of Him of any excuse [idols] is adultery.

    Bravo Trey.

  23. DJ,
    Your situation is tough. But what caught my eye was your words “I know the bible says that I can divorce.” That is not true. Christ said divorce was created for those with hard hearts.

    Divorce was created for the whining, rebellious people, hard hearted people. Hard hearts don’t get to heaven. And are you really bold enough to take on God, to “put asunder” what “God has joined together”?

    God is a God of restoration, and practically the sin of divorce carries on for generations …and horizontally also.

    Easy for me to say BUT GOD’S WORDS ARE LIFE: keep winning your husband ‘without a word.’ I don’t know how it works but trust Him by ACTING on His word. Bless you.

  24. Couples don’t know that they don’t have divorce because they aren’t “happy” or because of infidelity or whatever. They aren’t taught the God-ordained roles in marriage, forgiveness, longsuffering, and that love is commitment and not a feeling.

  25. There are many women who make their husbands’ lives miserable, unfortunately. It usually only takes a teachable heart and a willingness to listen and learn from a godly, older women for there to be radical change for good in a marriage. Therefore, I blame older women the most, although feminism and hardened hearts prevent a lot of women from listening to the wisdom of the older women. But I’ve had too many women tell me that their marriages have been turned around for good once they began learning and applying biblical principles to their marriage to discount the power of older women teaching the younger women. This is where it needs to begin, in my opinion. Most men would be much more happy in their marriages, if this were the case.

  26. I suggest THE major damage done to marriage is the fear and inability to talk about sex. I’ve been guilty of this to a degree in the past. This is the Devil at work: “They were naked and ashamed.” We begin approaching God when we are not ashamed of who we are. God’s people need to discuss this!

    Interestingly, I think blogs are wonderful for this. Mixed company in person can be problematic. I’ve learned a lot about the woman’s POV and I assume vice versa. Lori screens for inappropriate information.

    I gave the Ruth Buezis Blog and YouTube on the last post of this topic. She is excellent.

    The Forgiven Wife.Com [and others] archives speaks a lot to the damage done in undersexed marriages. I don’t agree with all her stance on marriage but damage revelations are good.

  27. I feel that it is both ways. Both can make each other miserable and both can cause damage to the marriage. It isn’t always the woman’s fault. Yes, she should be submissive and obedient as well as respectful. But if he is driving the relationship with ego and legalistic ideas, and becoming abusive, then there are grounds of divorce. It is a dangerous place to be when you start talking about issues like this in black and white without really seeing things from a broader perspective. You tie the wife and husband’s hands and things can turn ugly, no matter if he is being the most loving or she is being the most obedient and submissive.

  28. Women learn to use their bodies to get what they want. I know one who would refuse to give her hubby sex weeks on end. It would drive him nuts. Women deprive either get what they want or to gain some kind of revenge on them for being hurt. But now this friend gives it when he wants, because she got her life right with God. But I know many women who use their bodies and sex to manipulate their husbands. It’s sad and wrong.

  29. Dear DJ,

    I am so sorry your husband has abandoned you and treated you so cruelly! 🙁 As for deciding what to do next, I suggest that you look up Crying Out For Justice, Not Under Bondage, Visionary Womanhood, and Grace For My Heart. These sites & blogs minister specifically to people in your position. I hope you will find them helpful.
    – BR

  30. God created sex for man and woman, and this perspective tells us that sex is for the glory of man? Shouldn’t all we do be for God’s glory?
    Having been made in His image and HIS likeness, how does your description of a marriage relationship reflect a relationship between Christ and the church? Between the trinity?

  31. “For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.” (1 Cor. 11:7)

    Actually, woman is the glory of man and created to be her husband’s help meet.

  32. Trey, I’m certain that you mean the best, and I agree that sexual intimacy is very important in marriage.

    But, I think that if I personally believed that my husband only wanted me primarily for the sex, and simply found me to be confusing, emotional, irrational, and so much trouble, I would wonder if I should have married this guy at all.

    I don’t think sex can compensate for a broken relationship. Women are very relational. It is difficult for most women to experience true sexual intimacy if their emotional and relational needs are not being met as well.

    It does seem to me that if sexual intimacy is lacking in a marriage, this may be a barometer that other things are also broken and not going well. I feel those root things need to be addressed. There has to be honesty coming from both sides.

    Do you see what I’m saying? It’s deeper than just give him sex..

  33. I am a woman. I raised two daughters. I have two sisters. I have been mentoring women for almost thirteen years. Most women are confusing, emotional and irrational at times since we are more ruled by our emotions and feelings than men are.

    You wrote that women can’t experience intimacy if “their emotional and relational needs are not being met.” This is an impossible order for most men to meet, especially since these emotional and relational needs can change from day to day.

    The best thing women can do is to be lead by the Word of God and a sound mind instead of their supposed needs for we reap what we sow. If we give our husbands warmth, love, caring, and learning to please them, they will most likely return it to us. We can’t expect our husbands to “fill us up” in all of our needs when they are not women and most have no clue how women think. (Most women can’t really figure it out either.)

  34. Ben,
    I think that everyone would agree that both the husband and the wife can cause each other misery in a marriage but that is not the topic of this post. Let’s not muddy the water. The Bible is written in black and white (Gods wisdom) and the broader perspective (humanistic wisdom) is why we have so much trouble in marriages today.

    We need to keep it Biblical here so I must address you’re statement about grounds for divorce as it is just plain false and it would be dangerous for women to read that and think that it’s the truth. Marriage is designed by God to be “until death do us part”. (Mark 10:7-9) (1 Cor. 7:10-11) God would prefer we stay married no matter what. (Matthew 19:8) That said, there are only two reasons that the Bible allows for divorce, and ALLOWS is an important word here. God does not command or even suggest divorce in these two situations, He only allows for it.
    1. Sexual Immorality (many say it must be unrepentant and ongoing) (Matthew 19:8-9)
    2. If an unbelieving spouse abandons you. (1 Cor. 7:12-16)

    And regarding “tying hands”, the Bible is very clear, a wife is to submit herself unto her husband in everything just as she would unto the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22-24) It does not matter if “he is driving the relationship with ego and legalistic ideas, and becoming abusive*”. Wives are told to submit to their husbands even if their husbands are not being obedient to the Word of the Lord. (1 Peter 3:1). Even if it “turns ugly”. The Bible tells us that we are to live as a believer in whatever circumstances that God has assigned to us, even if they are unpleasant (1 Cor. 7:17). Even if we are suffering unjustly (1 Peter 2:19-21). A look throughout history shows us clearly that following Christ is not always unicorns, rainbows and ice-cold mocha frappuccinos. Christians have suffered GREATLY throughout history and my only question is why we currently (in the USA) have it so good.

    *Note: I am not exactly sure that this is from the Lord, but I believe that submitting to and suffering under your husband does not include allowing him to physically abuse you. If your husband is PHYSICALLY abusing you, get to a safe place and call the authorities and let them deal with him. Even if that means testifying against him so that he goes to jail. I believe that this is a legitimate remedy that God has given to you for this situation.

  35. Rebecca,
    Regarding your statement “But, I think that if I personally believed that my husband only wanted me primarily for the sex, and simply found me to be confusing, emotional, irrational, and so much trouble, I would wonder if I should have married this guy at all.”

    Let me try and clarify this. Sex is certainly not what “most” (at least Christian) men primarily ONLY want. As boys, we are first repelled by girls because of how different, emotional, illogical and irrational they are. We can’t relate to them and don’t understand them and it is just much easier (safer) to just stay away and many of us join the “He-man woman-haters club”. 🙂 Then when the testosterone starts pumping through our veins, we are forced to reconsider this situation and without it, many men would NEVER consider going back to trying to deal with females again.

    It is the sexual attraction that brings us back into considering a relationship with a woman, but as Christians, what we really WANT, is a wife that will fulfill her God appointed role as helper. A wife who knows her God appointed (submissive) place and is perfectly comfortable in it. A wife who does us good all the days of our lives. A wife who builds her house up. A virtuous wife of noble character who is more valuable than rubies. THAT is what we want MOST. But the sex still has to be there and that is why the Bible commands it. Also understand this, what I just described above IS NOT a fairy tale for us men, it is straight out of the Bible, and it is what it takes (on the woman’s part) to produce a successful marriage.

    The problem is, it seems that these days more than ever, our society is turning out way too many women that never grow from little girls into mature women. Too many are still confusing, emotional, irrational, and controlled by their feelings. These women do not seem to value (and just take for granted) a man who provides for her, protects her and does his best to make decisions that are in her best interest. These immature women (wrongly) think that marriages are supposed to be fairy tales and that their husbands are supposed to fulfill all of their (fairy tale) emotional/irrational hopes and dreams and THAT ends up causing us men, LOTS of trouble. Then, if a wife becomes a gate-keeper or denies her husband sex, that man KNOWS that he should have never married her at all.

    Ladies, what we men really want is that you just do it Gods way. This is what Lori is trying to teach you here and God bless her for it.

  36. Trey

    I think you are walking very close to legalism here, which is a dangerous place. I agree that she should obey and submit even when he isn’t living the right way before God. BUT, in cases of abuse, I cannot see God saying stay in a marriage where you are getting the you know what beat out of you. Or stay in a marriage where he is making you physically ill because you are so stressed out that you could end up in greater danger. There are grounds for divorce right there. He is breaking his vows to her. He isn’t loving, honoring, or cherishing. he is killing her, slowly and painfully. That isn’t God or a marriage.

    I respect your opinion though I disagree with it, BIG TIME! Have a great day.

  37. This just my opinion, but, when we truly understand that Her body is not hers, but his. And His body is not his, but hers. And anytime it is called up on, it is each others. But, God has called women and men to take care of each others bodies as they come together. I am not saying you cannot have rough sex. That would be fun. But what I am saying is, that when you really think about the other person, you learn to give and NOT take. Too many take and use, then throw away. God expects us to think about the other during sex, which makes the intimacy extra special, and the connection between your hearts closer, your marriage better and deeper, And in a way, it can bring you closer to God because you are not out for yourself, but each other. As a former pastor of mine once said, Making love is about the other person. Sex is about just you and your needs. I do hope all that makes sense.

  38. Did you not read his note at the end, Ben?

    “*Note: I am not exactly sure that this is from the Lord, but I believe that submitting to and suffering under your husband does not include allowing him to physically abuse you. If your husband is PHYSICALLY abusing you, get to a safe place and call the authorities and let them deal with him. Even if that means testifying against him so that he goes to jail. I believe that this is a legitimate remedy that God has given to you for this situation.”

  39. Trey,

    I can’t speak for other women, but I can speak for myself, my sisters, and a number of my friends. We’re basically pretty easy to understand — we would like to know that we’re more than just pieces of meat to our husbands. We would like to know that we are considered rational, intellectual beings (just as an aside, we need to be rational and intellectual if we are going to homeschool our children, do you not think?)

    We aren’t nearly as complicated as you appear to think. And, just for the record, in our marriage I am the one who is consistently refused sex — it will be three years in July, and prior to that time it was one year, and prior to that it was six months. So there you go. And I, too, have read the post from TheJoyFilledWife, and it was no help at all for me. What finally helped me was detaching in as healthy a way as possible, organizing a list of activities and hobbies I had always wanted to do, but hadn’t because I didn’t believe I had time, and basically taking more charge of my life. This did not change the situation, but it changed me.

    For a while, I was nearly beside myself because my husband was constantly comparing me to other women….no matter what I did, I could not do anything “right”. I didn’t cook right, I didn’t homeschool right, I did very little right. At a certain point, I became severely depressed and considered suicide. It took me a very long time to detach from it appropriately (which means that I had to simply be an observer of what was happening, without internalizing it). I had a good woman friend who helped me to do this. I then simply proceeded to focus on improving my life and my children’s lives.

    Now, I have no idea if you would consider this ungodly, but this is what helped me. My identity no longer rests in what my husband thinks of me, what he says or what he does. I am detached from him.

    What you seem to be saying, basically, is that we aren’t worth anything except to be there to meet your sexual needs, bear your children and do chores. My husband believes the same, minus the sexual needs part, since he refuses to have any relations with me. Living like that is like living in a nightmare. If you don’t detach from a situation like this, it is like grueling your way through twenty-four hours.

    I am posting anonymously for my safety and other security reasons.

  40. E,
    The title of this post is “Women Withholding Sex From Their Husbands”. I agree 100% that God created sex equally for the woman and the man. Actually in the enjoyment department, women have been given the advantage.

    I do not get how you think that I am saying that “sex is for the glory of the man”. In the context of this post, I am trying to make it very clear that if a woman who calls herself a Christian is withholding sex from her husband, (with very, very few exceptions) she is not obeying Gods word and therefore is living in sin. I would say the exact same thing to a husband who is purposefully withholding sex from his wife, but that is not the topic of this post. 🙂

  41. I am sincerely you are having to endure this suffering. You are married to a difficult and disobedient husband. If you read 1 Peter 2, Paul exhorts servants with this admonition, “Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward (difficult to deal with). For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps.” Christ suffered and we can expect to suffer here on this earth.

    Then the next chapter begins with “Likewise…” Just as servants may suffer under a difficult master and Christ has suffered for us, wives may suffer under a disobedient husband. Then Paul gives God’s remedy for them in 1 Peter 3:1-6. Win them without a word by being in subjection to them with godly behavior.

    Your short time of suffering is nothing compared to a suffering for eternity in hell that your husband will endure if you don’t show him Christ through your actions and behavior. This is what He asked us to do and it is good.

    Lastly, just because you are married to a difficult man doesn’t mean that what Trey has exhorted the many women who are not married to difficult men is wrong advice. It is very good advice.

  42. Anonymous Mother,
    It sounds like you and your husband are in a very rough marriage. Trust me when I tell you that I sincerely feel your pain. I am going to make some tough statements here and they are certainly not meant to give you anymore pain, but rather to ask you to consider a different viewpoint than the one you are currently holding. Without hearing your husbands side of the story, this is very difficult for me to do and I will admit right up front that some of what I am about to say could be completely wrong… but I have enough experience to know that it might be right. This assumes that your husband is a Christian and is seeking to follow Christ on a daily basis. If he is not, then Lori’s counsel above better applies.

    First of all, I have never questioned the intellectual capacity of women. I know more than a few women that have a greater intellectual capacity than myself. That said, I also know of two women (off the top of my head) both with great intellectual capacity, who have successfully home-schooled their kids and yet have exhibited some epic bouts of irrationality over the years and allowed their emotions to drive them to actions that literately defy all rational, common sense.

    The fact that you think that you and your sisters and your friends are all rational and easy to understand… (sorry but I am chuckling here) all I can tell you is that you might be shocked to see yourselves from a man’s point of view. This refusal on your part to believe that men see women (and the world) differently than women do, could be part of the problem between you and your husband. Too many women expect their husbands to see, and think and feel as they do and (most) men do not have the capacity to do this. It is not that we just don’t want to, it’s that we can’t. When husbands do not meet their wives (unrealistic) expectations, the wives get upset and it causes them stress and pain. They have brought this stress and pain upon themselves through their wrong thinking.

    Regarding your husband refusing you sex, the bible says that he is in sin.

    Although I agree that your husband should not have been comparing you to other women, the fact that he was expressing his displeasure at the way you were (your examples were) cooking, home-schooling the kids, almost everything, makes me wonder why there was so much contention between the two of you. If you were being a Godly wife, in complete submission to him, and open to complying with his wishes (or obeying his instructions) on these matters, then at some point there would have been no further contention and no ongoing conflict. I wonder, were you too rational and intellectual to do that? Did you know better than your husband and refuse to comply with his wishes and instructions?

    The fact that it reached such a point that instead of submitting to him and complying with his wishes, (which would have ended the conflict) you instead detached yourself from the relationship. You chose to completely cut him out and made a life for yourself with activities and hobbies to fill in the time… taking “charge” of your life. I have to say that this does not really sound like you are following Gods instructions.

    Is it possible that you are to blame for this situation? Were you so stubborn, rational, intellectual, self-righteous and contentious that YOU brought this trouble on your marriage? Is is possible that this self-imposed detached state where you have taken “charge” is an even a greater expression of contention and non-submission toward your husband. Since he would not submit to your will and change to make you happy, you have taken your toys and went to your room. If this is the case, I doubt than any man would want to have sex with a woman like that. We would rather hide on the roof of the house or go and live in the desert. I again admit that I could be completely off base here, but my experience tells me that I could be hitting the nail right on the head.

    Your identity should never rest on what your husband or any other human on this earth thinks of you. You should understand that your identity resides in Jesus Christ and Him alone.

    I never said that wives were only their to meet their husbands sexual needs, bear their children and do the chores. God said that… except there is no “only ” in there. He expects other things from a Godly wife also like being helpful, submission, obedience, respect and a gentle and quite spirit just to name a few. I might be completely off base here but I have to ask, are you really the victim here, or might you be the root cause of the problems in your marriage? Just something to consider. I don’t know you but my heart goes out to you and your husband and everything I have said here has been said in love. I have prayed for reconciliation in your marriage.

  43. I agree with much of what you’ve said here. The quality and frequency of sex in a marriage is often a reflection of the quality of intimacy and bonding in other areas of the marriage. There are women and men who CHRONICALLY refuse sex (which I think is a form of abandonment) but partners refuse sex for a variety of reasons. Perhaps there has been sexual abuse in the refusers past or perhaps there is current abuse in the marriage. Also Christian women have been told or have embraced the idea that “good girls don’t” so sex can been seen as indulging a carnal desire rather than a normal, beautiful, healthy, and sacred part of marriage.
    Lastly, many women don’t know or understand how their bodies work and as a result sex isn’t enjoyable at all. It’s something they do “for” their husbands instead of something they enthusiastically participate in that is intensely satisfying. I hate to say it but the CHURCH has dropped the ball on this BIG TIME and it has given the evil one a foothold.

  44. Trey,

    Thank you for your comment, but I’ve been there before. I went through the guilt trip for many, many years; I finally decided that he needed to own his situation and I detached myself from it. I am not purchasing tickets for guilt trips anymore.

    “Since he would not submit to your will and change to make you happy, you have taken your toys and went to your room.”

    I didn’t ask him to “submit” to me at all; I needed to save my sanity. I tried, and tried, and tried. I understand that you haven’t heard his side of the story, but please note that you always default to this way of thinking. It’s a bit one sided.

    Detaching with love isn’t necessarily bad; sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. I’ve read enough around to see that men seem to do it quite a bit.

    I simply commented. That’s all. This is what helped me. I thought it would help somebody. Thanks for hearing. I’m finished now. Blessings to all.

  45. Forgot. You said:

    “Is it possible that you are to blame for this situation? Were you so stubborn, rational, intellectual, self-righteous and contentious that YOU brought this trouble on your marriage?”

    I never said I wasn’t to blame. I tried to address his problems and concerns.

    “he was expressing his displeasure at the way you were (your examples were) cooking, home-schooling the kids, almost everything, makes me wonder why there was so much contention between the two of you. If you were being a Godly wife, in complete submission to him, and open to complying with his wishes (or obeying his instructions) on these matters, then at some point there would have been no further contention and no ongoing conflict.”

    There is a common mistake here assuming that if the woman behaves in exactly a certain way, her husband will automatically be wonderful to her. Not so. You are forgetting here the very important factor of free will and he has the free will to do as he wishes. I cannot make him do anything, no matter what I do. I have already said what happened when I tried to jump through the hoops; I am not going there again because I was getting seriously ill both mentally and physically. Finally someone drummed it through my head that he was responsible for his own decisions and meanwhile it was my responsibility to maintain my mental and physical health so I could care for my children and not end up a complete mess.

    Thank you, again, for your time and attention. It is appreciated.

  46. I found this blog by accident, only a few weeks ago. It was up on the screen at the public computer at the library, where I come to use the internet. We don’t have a computer at home, my husband’s income doesn’t extend to luxuries like that. So I go to the library just down the road. When I found this blog up on the screen, I thought it was a sign from God. I have learned so much in such a short time, about how to better serve my husband, who is so different from my first husband.

  47. Ben,
    I agree with this:
    “BUT, in cases of abuse, I cannot see God saying stay in a marriage where you are getting the you know what beat out of you. Or stay in a marriage where he is making you physically ill because you are so stressed out that you could end up in greater danger. There are grounds for divorce right there. He is breaking his vows to her. He isn’t loving, honoring, or cherishing. he is killing her, slowly and painfully. That isn’t God or a marriage.”

    I’m glad you said that, especially in response to this post. Thank you.

  48. Ben,
    thank you for sharing this. There is a difference between “having sex” and “making love”. I like the way your former pastor put it. Beautiful.

  49. Ben and Ruth,

    Please read this article. These are NOT biblical grounds for divorce. Yes, separate for safety sake but no where does the Bible give these grounds for divorce for “love never fails.”

    “This means that even when your wife or husband is likewise exhaustively unfaithful, cruel, hurtful, adulterous, messy, spiteful, unforgiving, unrepentant, and bruising in their betrayals over a period of weeks, months, years, decades, that you love them still and treat them as Christ does. Will Christ break his covenant? Will he cease to pray for her? Will he cease to woo and draw her back? Will he cease to seek to cleanse and wash her? Will he cease to forgive her? Will he abandon his bride?”


  50. Trey,
    I’m a bit concerned about several of your statements and would like some clarification, if you would be so kind.
    “The fact that you think that you and your sisters and your friends are all rational and easy to understand… (sorry but I am chuckling here) all I can tell you is that you might be shocked to see yourselves from a man’s point of view.”

    Are you saying that a woman cannot recognize her own behavior or mindset without it being validated by a man, even one with whom she has no connection whatsoever? And your (chuckle) comes off as patronizing and demeaning.

    “This refusal on your part”, ” If you were being a Godly wife…then at some point there would have been no further contention and no ongoing conflict.”, “I have to say that this does not really sound like you are following Gods instructions.”

    This sounds suspiciously like you are accusing a woman who was driven to near suicide that she brought the situation on herself. Could you clarify your position?

    This woman is absolutely a victim, and it is appalling, and more than a bit disturbing, that you cannot see it.


  51. Sarah,
    What I am saying is that the way women view themselves, and situations, and the world is often VERY different than the way men view women, situations, and the world. I am saying that what women (and all of their girlfriends) might think is perfectly normal, valid and acceptable thoughts, conclusions and behaviors, their husbands might view as illogical, irrational, and unacceptable. I don’t see where validation comes into it. It’s a different point of view and the chuckle comes from the fact that so many women are so hard headed and stubborn to not listen to what they are told by their husbands because they think their point of view is superior, or right, or better, or whatever.

    I was not “accusing” her of anything but I was challenging her stated point of view. Many people are “victims” but some are victims of their own wrong thinking, poor decisions and sinful behavior. If you don’t think that there are “Christian” wives out there that are destroying their marriages (and families) by their lack of submission and disrespect to their husbands; all the while, (them and all their girlfriends) thinking that their behavior is completely right and justified, then you are not looking around with your eyes open. So, YES, it is possible that she has brought this situation upon herself and that is what I was trying to get her to at least consider, but I was not making ANY accusations.

    I do not know if she is a victim of her husbands poor behavior or not and neither do you unless you have lived in the same house with them for many years. We have only heard one side of the story.

    Just as I wrote in the first paragraph above, what I (as a man) see from her post, and what you (as a woman) see from her post is clearly very different. I will suggest that based on what you wrote, (and how you wrote it) your view might be clouded by your emotions. Mine is not and the fact that you think it is so disturbing that I do not see the situation as you do, just goes to further prove the point the men often see things differently than women. I acknowledged up front and again at the end that I might be wrong, but for the possible benefit to her and her family, I spoke (what I believe might be) the truth in love to her as gently as I could.

  52. Oh my! Some of the negative comments from females on here make me want to bash my head against a wall at the ignorance. (Figure of speech). I myself am a female and I can tell you, the trash that bursts forth out of their mouths is astonishing. And im including pastors wives as well in the mix. It is for that reason I feel more comfortable either having a conversation with a group of men (including my husband) or avoid a flock of womens gathering and chatting all together. I am yet to come across a woman that is respectful and in control of her emotions. And Anonymous Mother, self praise is no reccomendation. And to note, we are not to base our security on our husbands or our emotional needs. We should be looking to Christ alone, and working heartily because we love Him and seek to please Him. Not so we can get our husbands approval. From what you said, you were trying to please your husband, and when that didnt work, you became resentful. Thats because you were looking to please the wrong person. It doesnt matter if your husband is a jerk or a sweetie pie. You keep the house whether he notices or not, whether there is praise from your husband or not. And you find ways to praise and worship God and thank Him for the blessing of having a roof over your head, if nothing else. From your post, you come across as a bitter, resentful woman. And your husband would pick up on this. But I digress, I do not know the inner workings of your situation.

  53. I just read the post as well and I’m also in your shoes Brittany! I was looking at the comments wondering if I was alone in this! I was told when I got married that men loved to be intimate, but my husband is fine with couple times a month. He doesn’t love it that way, but he gets busy and tired providing for us and it doesn’t happen very often. I get tired of initiating. Seems very wrong, but God can work in this too. I’m praying really hard about it. You should too! God means for us to be one with our spouses. Pray that God will bring you together as you trust Him. Its SO hard! I know! I was just feeling discouraged about it just now, but prayer is a powerful thing! My heart aches for you, but God hears us. I will pray for you tonight as well. 🙂

  54. Brittany: My husband is 26 too. lol And I have mentioned low testosterone as well and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him. I don’t like to push it either. Its a tough place to be. I feel for you!

  55. Aw thanks Kaitlyn! It’s really encouraging hearing someone else is in the same boat as I am and that you are praying for me! I will pray for you and your husband too! Sure can be hard!

  56. Hi Lori,
    I found your site searching about chores. I think you are spot on in this post. My wife has withheld sex more or less for several years (since our second was born). She’s better now, although it’s still duty sex. It started after we had a disagreement about vaccinations. She decided to go behind my back and do them anyway. One time our daughter had a large reaction. My wife never really apologized or agreed to talk about it. I offered to go her way if she could convince me she was right. But she didn’t even try to debate me. I was mad. That’s when she took the advice of some other wives to add sex as a weapon (almost seven years ago). This week I learned that she has been hiding a $21,000+ credit card balance from me. I’m not sure what to do. At least we have three beautiful children. I will ask her what she plans to do. All this, and she’s a ‘Christian’. It’s all very sad, but I suppose its my cross to bear for now.

  57. Not to be offensive but coming from a man’s perspective your husband sex drive may not be low. It could be very likely he’s hooked on porn. Men who are hooked on porn tend to not care much to have sex with their wives. The reason is that they are so infatuated with what they can’t have that their wives can’t seem to please them in that same perverted way. This results in heir lack of desire for their wives because it’s viewed as “boring” or “regular” sex. I know men who do this and their wives feel upset because they can’t figure out what the problem is. It’s the PORN! Or, low libido can be due to very high stress levels. Try to decrease his stress and make him feel content that he’s making you the happiest woman in the world. His DHEA levels will be better and increase his sex desire for you. On a final note, just ask God in prayer what the issues is. It may not be porn, or low sex levels, it could be something else. Pray and God will answer.

  58. I have been married for 38 years, before we were married, I had been married for 7 years to another women, and had two children. When we went to pre-marriage counciling, I was very clear, on not wanting any more children, because the divorce, hurt so much, do to leaving the children. In front of myself, and the minister, she stated she was ok with it, she could just help raise my 2 children. Then 6 months after getting married, she had a co-worker, tell me, if we were not going to have children, she didn’t want to stay married to me. So my remark was, I just went through a divorce, so this will be no big thing, because there are no children, involved. But guess what, I was the villain !! So I changed my mind, and we had two children. I had a vasectomy, after our second child. She signed the paperwork, and agreed, but she got very angry soon after the procedure. Here’s where it all begins, our sex life, went down hill from there. I can truthfully say, in the last 32 years we have not had sex, 30 times, and the last 13 years not at all !!! I have tried talking, I help around the house, I do all of the grocery shopping, and all of the cooking, she does the dishes, our agreement. Most of the following years, I felt like a fifth wheel, she would take the children , on vacations, and I would not be included, and expected to stay home, and take care of the family pets. Now, it’s like I don’t know her anymore. We sleep in separate rooms, we don’t kiss or hug anymore, we are just roommates at this point in our relationship. I said before we got married, I didn’t want to go through another divorce, but what can I do, she doesn’t want sex anymore, and will not change her mind. I thought about going outside the marriage, but two wrongs, don’t make a right !! She is content, in her own little world, not worrying about my feelings , or needs. At this point, I feel alone, unloved, and betrayed !!! I keep hoping and praying, she will change, but to this point, NOT HAPPENING , and NEVER WILL !!

  59. We are so sorry to hear this GAL. As you know you are not alone in this plight. You did not say if she claims to be a Christian or goes to church, but I am not sure what a faithful husband is supposed to do once a wife gets so bitter that she refuses sex for years.

    I am so sorry and can’t believe how mean some spouses can be. Stay close to the Lord and seek His comfort and wisdom. It sounds like you have a rotten rebellious one, but ask her again if there is anything you can do differently to show her your love and win her heart back, and love back. Who knows what miracles God may bring.

  60. Well Britney I’m 78 a man , and I must say that you have a very nice spiritual attitude to the God aspects of love emotion oneness sex in marriage . When I read of women and men constantly denying their partners of sex and emotions bonding them as one It could be reasond that they are committing spiritual sexual immorality . To their partners . Because sin is immoral Plus if they withhold sex it could open the door for satan to temp the one deprived into despair and getting IT in other places. I’m at the stage where I remarried for the last 9 years and we enjoyed sex up to 2 years and. Bang she lost interest in it . And we haven’t had it for one and a half years and there’s no feeling of love or emotions now. It’s just like a brother and sister thing and it’s really taking its toll on me In Many ways emotionally and physically. Anyway best wishes for you and your husband . Pray to Jesus the he will be more responsive to your needs because they are good and healthy needs in marriage ??

  61. Thank you for this article. As a Christian man married to a Christian wife for whom sex is not important to her, I can speak from experience that you are 100% correct in how you express the effects of a sexless, Christian marriage on the husband. A “good year” for us is only 2-3 times a year, always at her convenience. I do a mountain of chores around the house and have tried to be a better husband to her in all ways I think of (including the many “list” articles on websites about all the ways men need to act differently), but to no avail. To make matters worse, I have yet to hear any teaching in the church that puts any responsibility on the wife. We brow beat our husbands to death, with lessons and dire warnings on not straying, not looking at another woman, etc. And that’s great and Biblical, but that’s where it stops. No teaching for the wives on why abandoning the husband is not acceptable. What is a Christian husband to do when the only person that I can look at/enjoy without stepping outside God’s loving boundaries wants nothing to do with me in this regard? I’m starving, and suffering all of the emotional hardships you write about. To be fair, she shows her love in many other wonderful ways, and I appreciate them fully (and tell her so).

  62. Being a man I will just say that I think this article is very well written AND I will add one big Caveat (especially for women like Brittany who are struggling with a husband who seems disconnected and/or not interested in sex)


    It’s important to keep in mind that we live in a digital age when and where men can very easily (and literally) take matters into their own hands and turn to pornography and masturbation as a means of satisfying their need. Over time a man can become addicted to pornography and/or masturbation to the point that normal sexual relations with his wife no longer appeals to him the way it did in the beginning. Many men today experience erectile dysfunction (that is more mental than physical) because they have become accustomed to pornography and/or masturbation. I know because it happened to me. It wasn’t until I quit looking at porn and masturbating that I got back my passion for my wife. Now that I have stopped looking at pornography and stopped masturbating (yes I am serious) I am dealing with the very problem that this article addresses. I no longer resort to satisfying myself and instead only get relief OCCASIONALLY (sometimes only once a month) when my very distracted wife feels like having sex. That is what led me to this article. I was hoping to find an article that specifically addressed a Christian woman’s responsibility to care for her husband’s sexual drive (which can make it difficult for a man to live a chaste and holy life)

    So if you are a Christian woman reading this and you sincerely care about your marriage please try to help your husband to be chaste by actively seeking to keep him satisfied.

    I can tell you from personal experience that it is VERY difficult to remain chaste and faithful when my need is only satisfied once or twice in a month. It was MUCH easier when I was satisfying myself regularly through porn and masturbation (yes i know that is oxymoronic but at the time i didnt view porn or mastubation as being unfaithful but now i do)

    Now that I have chosen chastity over sin it is so VERY difficult. I feel constantly in need. My wife has no idea just how difficult it is. How many wives wish they had a chaste husband who NEVER looks at porn or masturbates and just wants to have passionate sex with them every day and night?

    I want to be with her constantly and VERY badly but she just isn’t interested. I hope this will be helpful to someone. If your husband isn’t showing an interest it could simply be that at some point in the past he got tired of not having his sexual needs addressed and took matters into his own hands (literally). If you want to get him back it will take time and patience and at some point you might even have to openly address whether or not he has turned to taken care of himself and possibly even looking at pornography.

    For me, if I wasn’t a devout Catholic I know that I would be handling things for myself on a daily basis but I have come to believe that ANY sex outside of marriage (including sex with myself or my hand) is sinful, it is not what God created me (or my beautiful wife). The ONLY sex that is right before God is sex with my wife. One man and one woman.

    I hope and pray that someday she sees an article like this and realizes what I am going through. Until then I will feel this intense need that nags at me constantly, every minute of every day. The enemy knows that I have chosen love for Jesus and my wife over satisfying my flesh and so many temptations come my way but I love Jesus and my wife and kids and will continue this struggle in faith. Hopefully this helps someone.

    God Bless.

  63. Thank you for this article. My wife and I have been married for 16 years. We barely made it through this last year. We rarely had sex the last two years, I later found a sex toy she told me she didn’t want to be intimate because she didn’t want to be together. She believed that would make it hard for her to leave. We found out later she suffered severe depression and that was one reason she wanted to leave me and our three children. Things are much better now I just struggle with the feeling, is this true love or is she just playing along. If there’s any difficulty she wants to leave again but I believe God is working it out.

  64. Well I read through this article and yes I will admit that I have withheld sex from my husband because of disagreements also three years into our marriage I had a bout with anxiety and major depression which haunted me on and off for many years. We’ve disagreed about kids, money, household issues , going to church. I go he doesn’t. We’ve been married for 27 years. I lost interest in sex many years ago. To put it plainly— I don’t feel like it. Now I guess (from reading other replies) that I’m going to be told that I’m doing the wrong thing. I’m not obeying God. (Which is not what I want to do at all)! This article actually took me by surprise. I never knew about this in this way. I love my husband. He loves me. But I am going to be honest. I have absolutely no sex drive. I’m 53, menopausal, and exhausted from work everyday. Now I feel like I’m hard hearted. I feel awful! How do I get back on track? I truly feel like this is another failure in my spiritual life. But then again God may be teaching me something by me coming across this article. Please respond. Thank you.

  65. Begin to have sex with him again, Donna. As soon as you know that you are in sin, repent, which means to turn from the sin and begin obeying God! Apologize to him and ask for his forgiveness. Buy a good lubricant and use a ton of it! As someone who was forced into early menopause at the age of 45 and lost my hormones because of where the tumor is, I know full well what you are talking about and experiencing but where there is a will, there is a way.

  66. DJ. You need to reread the scriptures on divorce due to adultery. The Apostle Paul specifically uses these words “except for fornication”.

    Matthew 19:8-9 8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”

    He has committed fornication with another woman and this is adultery. Divorce IS permissible unless you wish to pursue restoration (if you are capable of that, don’t let anyone push you into that else you end up with an irreparable level of resentment in your marriage).

  67. This is an eye-opener. Thanks for sharing this, Lori. Sex should be all about love. It shouldn’t be just a ‘man’s need’ or a marital duty.

  68. My question is if you have caused some emotional pain to your wife with words and you are working through it she left and caused some additional pain and you are in the process of healing you continue to walk in love towards her but she continues to withhold after three months is this a justified time period

  69. This thread has been very helpful for me. My wife refuses me any love, affection etc. I honestly believe she has a Jezebel spirit. I don’t know her anymore and I don’t care to accept what she has become. I’m not like other Christian men as far as being long-suffering. It’s been over a year and a half, we’ve had sex twice at my insistence. I’m done waiting. I’m realistic. She’s not going to change and if I’m wrong I’m wrong, but I guarantee I’m right. She can leave, I want her to make a decision. I’m 52, in terrific physical condition, healthy and educated. We have four kids but they deserve better than this. The parents are the safety net of the family but I am setting a terrible example if I don’t man up and assume my God given authority. My wife usurps my rightful authority and function and seems to enjoy doing so. I don’t think God would view me as doing the right thing if I continue allowing this. She is disobeying God’s natural order and is in open rebellion. So I’m standing my ground to the death. If she leaves so be it. She is of no use to this family and marriage if she cannot fulfill her basic role as a wife. If I don’t do the right thing then I am complicit in her disobedience and I will have to answer to God for that. If I’m wrong I will also have to answer to him. But I think God wants hot or cold Christians rather than lukewarm. I’m a man and I intend to behave like a man and accept the consequences. I’m not going to be like some of the other people in this thread, hanging on endlessly for decades. That’s just stupid. No marriage is worth that. Even God himself will not always contend with men. He gives the hard heart over to it’s hardness. Seems like that’s where I’m at with my wife.

  70. I read this article with GREAT interest this passed weekend. I am in a Christian marriage where I feel trapped, not being able to do much that is appreciated. My wife refuses my advances to touch saying that she feels like I am pushing her. I don’t ever want her to feel pressured to be touched or to be intimate, and I don’t just mean sex. I would like to be appreciated with spiritual connectedness, intimacy, where we click. We are struggling with intimacy and any conversation we have about it generally turns explosive, not violent, but erupts into loud frustration.

    I read with great interest how you put into words things that I am not always so good at articulating in the heat of the moment. But Lori, this is exactly how I feel. As a man I want to be recognized for the provision and protection I provide, and one of the best ways for me is to acknowledge what I do by my wife giving of herself to me.

    I’ve thought a lot about how it must feel as a woman to submit to that level, to give your body physically away. I believe the level of comfort that must be reached must be great. I don’t know what it’s like to submit in that way because of my primal nature. I have a conquering attitude when it comes to intimacy and sex, not necessarily a submissive one. I think most men are aligned that way, but please correct me if I’m wrong on this.

    I have thought a lot about responding to this article over a long weekend, and I finally decided to move on with my thoughts, I had to respond. I feel like my marriage is a place of strife, not a place of peace, joy, love, and service. I guess my remarks lead to a question. Can anyone give me tips as to what can I do to help turn the tide?

    My marriage is my most important relationship. After 7 years married and 7 years dating before that, our investment together spiritually is great. I don’t think either of us want to deconstruct our lives together. But I am confident we both want to remake our intimacy together.

  71. Hi Petros,

    Lori asked me to respond as I have conversed with many men in your situation. It is the strangest thing when what often brought a couple together early to get married was the desire for sexual intimacy, yet once married, a spouse turns away from it, sparingly giving the gift that so many men desire and thrive upon, sex.

    There can be many reasons for this. The “women defenders” will blame you and assume you have done something wrong to deserve the sparse intimacy she is willing to give. There is no doubt that the first place to look is at oneself and what you can do to try and win your wife back to regular intimacy.

    Ask your wife what you can do in order to get to regular sexual intimacy that she too would enjoy. Ask her in a query that is non-threatening, maybe even an email so she can’t blow up and run off.

    The problems I see in this discussion are her past hurts, or she has a need to be “in control.” Something may have happened in the past for her that now taints her view of sexual intimacy, maybe any intimacy at all. These wives are protecting themselves from some hurt or pain that sometimes a loving husband can gently get out of them, but often a trained counselor is needed.

    Sometimes it is a control issue. True intimacy requires both spouses to abandon themselves to each other. It’s a scary thing to be “naked and all alone” together for some spouses.

    Here is your challenge to find the lies that your wife is telling herself and help her, perhaps with counseling, to replace the lies with the truth. If her lack of desire for intimacy is something you have done or are doing, try to change it and see if that changes her disposition, but often you will just find one excuse after another until you discover the root lies and uproot them with God’s Word and power.

    Keep gently working on this and ask her to just talk about it with you. She may say, “You keep pressuring me, ” and your response should be, “no, I simply want to try to understand you and understand if there is anything I can do differently to help us move towards a true intimate relationship where we both enjoy being together.”

    If she does not enjoy your touch you are in for an uphill battle. But try declaring a moratorium on sex for one week, “no sex,” but she can have full body massages every other day. See if she accepts that as it may be diagnostic as to whether sex is truly the fundamental issue or if it goes much deeper to avoiding touch, which probably means some deep set of interferences that needs outside counseling.

    If she is a Christian, have her follow along with this blog as it can be freeing to choose to obey God and place ones cares and burdens upon Him. Sometimes we must obey our Lord first to find the right feelings that come from doing things God’s ways and reaping His blessings.

  72. I am Married with kids. My sex drive is higher than my wife’s. I would like it every night but with the kids and how tired she says she is, heachache (or just not in the mood) She thinks every 3 – 4 days at most should be sufficient. I know I should not be complaining, and Ive tried talking to my wife about my desire for more frequent sex, but with the kids, keeping up the home and other obligations, she states its very hard to have intimacy more than that. Am I being unreasonable to want every night? I know of a Man who demands sex every night with his wife (has 8 kids) and his wife feels terribly unloved, and T.I.R.E.D. Mostly because hes not loving her like he should! Am I being unreasonable with wanting it every night, and expecting it every night?

  73. Hi Brittany. You SHOULD be proud. Your husband is almost certainly unaware of his incredibly awesome situation. Men such as myself, stuck in marriages where we find out too late that the low drive partner holds all the control and isn’t motivated to change, read your posts and wistfully think “wow, if only that was MY wife”.

  74. My wife has had a lot of trauma (lost our son, 15yo), says she has Lyme disease, which manifested like adrenal fatigue and says she believes she and our daughters are on the Asperger spectrum. She’s been sleeping on the living room couch for 9 yrs and has withheld sex and intimacy for 15 yrs, I’d say. She says she wants to be a normal wife.
    Back 13 yrs ago when I had a stroke she and the kids sat on the other bed in the hospital room. When we were building our house and living in the basement, when the kids became too old not to be aware, she refused to go out with me to a B&B. Nothing ever happened.

    And I don’t wonder why I have a addiction to porn for the last five yrs. I feel super condemned and, well, the loneliness has worn off somewhat, but it affects my job. How can I obey God, when God made me a man? I wonder about leaving, just taking one of the cars and moving out, leaving a note. There is no one to talk to about this.

  75. YES!! Thank you for your (necessarily) blunt honesty. Yes, it is a CHOICE to physically, mentally & emotionally LOVE your husbands, & some women choose NOT to, when they could just as easily choose TO. Sex has huge benefits for women, also. If you truly cannot bring yourself to have sex, then your hormones are very likely out of whack – please see your doctor. Your marriage could be at stake!

  76. Please see your doctor, & even a nutritionist. Some dietary & lifestyle changes, along with possibly some bio-identical plant-based hormone therapy, can balance your hormones, renew your energy & mood & vastly improve your outlook & your life!

  77. My wife has had nothing to do with me for years. I’ve asked to go to counselors and she won’t. I’m not taking about physical stuff, I just want some type of intimacy. I have health issues that have affected me the last 5 years but it dates back much longer than that. (2000). She was with someone else before me and I can’t help but think I just don’t make her happy. The loneliness is unbearable.

  78. Boy! I would love to talk with your husband, he sounds like a Goldy man. I’m in a similar situation and would love to walk away from it all and yet I want to do the right thing.

  79. Thank you for your response. It feels good to have some positive feedback. There is no communication on “the subject” with my wife. I am overcoming the addiction from March until now. Thank you for praying… but, I am in my 60s, went through a kind of second teenage lust fest, I guess and now, “He must increase and I must decrease,” in the words of John the Baptist.
    It will all be wonderful when we go to be with Jesus our Savior. All will be made NEW. Best wishes to you.

  80. I’m in this boat where she has nothing to do with my grown children but I do everything with hers. I sleep alone, mostly eat alone, do family alone, no sex, she wouldn’t go to church unless I do, I minister to others alone, provide 99% and build an additional coaching business alone, issues with calling for bills or such, alone, etc. Work a job and provide everything and a new home and dependable low mile vehicle. We’re in our early 60’s. 23 years of hopeless misery while trying to do the right thing as a Christian man. To say it’s emotional heartbreaking, discouraging and depressing is an understatement. Unless you say “I love you” you’re not getting sex. Yet, you’re attitude of cutting everything out and being one sided doesn’t necessarily cause those words to come out often. But hey enjoy retirement while I keep busting my tail to pay for no appreciation or sex. About to say enough.

  81. My husband is aware he’s married to a wife with such an appetite and he still doesn’t take advantage. He’s not cheating nor watching porn. I’m confident in his love for me, but he seems to have no interest in sex with me. It’s quite infuriating honestly. I find myself praying constantly for my sexual appetite to subside because it’s so aggravating and seems like a hopeless cause.

  82. My wife and I have been married for just 4 years. She refuses to make love to me. She said its because she doesn’t like her body. I tell her every day how beautiful she is. I’m in love with her. Have been since 10th grade. She has fibromyalgia which is painful at times but this started after she lost her mom back in July. I don’t know what to do. I clean,cook feed the cats every day,run errands and a host of things. Yet get no intimacy at all. She does have some health issues but it never stopped her before. Everyone in her family knows our business because of her.

  83. I am a Christian man and was recently saved. I accepted jesus as my Lord and savior. Every day it gets worse. It can’t get any worse. We have no intimacy at all. No cuddling or anything. She won’t even tell me she loves me. Everything I do upsets her. We’re both disabled and used to shower together to help each other. That stopped too. I can’t lift my left arm. I had a major surgery. She won’t help me. She won’t go to church or to a councler with me.

  84. I have been in this situation for most of my 20+ years of marriage. We didn’t even have sex on our honeymoon. It wasn’t her fault, but it was a sign of things to come.
    The most we ever had sex was probably less than once a month.
    After our child was born that tailed off to once a year. Then as much as 2 years between.
    She had a medical condition which certainly affected her hormones, but the lack of sex was not replaced in any way. By this I mean there are other ways to please a man besides only intercourse. She would avoid any intimate contact and any situation that might result in it. She would flinch away from a kiss, or turn to offer me her cheek. I literally have no recollection of the last time we kissed passionately.
    I have spent years trying to figure out what I could have done wrong. We are financially well off. We almost never argue. I help around the house. I’ve never physically hurt her or threatened her even once. I have worked a lot to get where we are, and I’m sure that didn’t help, but I was never absent.
    I thought I could just deal with it. I thought I would be strong enough because everything else was good.
    I failed, and I don’t think anyone I know would call me weak-willed. Eventually I cheated on her as a way to replace the intimacy that was non-existant in our marriage. And the worst part is that I fell in love with my mistress.
    I don’t hate my wife for this situation, despite believing that a significant portion of it was due to her withdrawal of intimacy, and despite believing (after much research) that this is a sin worthy of a just divorce. She was never spiteful or controlling, just distant.
    Now I am tortured. My heart is broken because I will hurt someone, some way and I will lose someone I love. I may well lose everyone I love. It’s not my own pain that is so hard to deal with, though, it is knowing that I have no option but to hurt someone.
    I bore this because of my child, and because I still love my wife, but be very careful if you do what I did. Don’t detach yourself and try to bear it. The chances are that you will fail, you will be opened up to sin, and in the end it will be worse. Address it early and if your spouse cannot or will not change, you need to decide which is the least destructive thing you can do. Divorce is incredibly damaging to children, but if you don’t yet have a child, you should consider removing yourself from that situation before you sin.
    Even if divorce is a sin, what will adultery be? How much more sin and guilt will you have when you have failed, when you have no option but to hurt someone or your child, when you are living in sin daily to try to satisfy a need your spouse should be satisfying?

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