He is the Patriarch of His Home

He is the Patriarch of His Home

She told me her DIL truly lives a submissive life towards her husband. Where he wants to live, she wants to live. What he wants to eat, she wants to eat. He is the patriarch of his family. She trusts his decisions. She doesn’t always have to give her opinion and suggestions, then argue to get her way. He leads. She follows. He is head over her. She is submissive and obedient to him. This is how it’s suppose to be, women. She is not a contentious or quarreling woman. Her husband adores her. She is reaping what she is sowing.

“Patriarch” defined in the 1828 Webster’s Dictionary explains it this way: “The father and ruler of a family; one who governs by paternal right.” The reason I am bringing this up is because I have read some sites that prefer the term patriarchy over complementarianism which word isn’t even in the recent Webster Dictionary. It is in Wikipedia: “Complementarianism is a theological view in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, that men and women have different but complementary roles and responsibilities in marriage, family life, and religious leadership.” This word has only been in use for about 25 years and Mary Kassian helped “coin the term.” 

She wrote an article for The Gospel Coalition called Complimentarianism for Dummies. The interesting part of this article, which I believe completely disqualifies it, is that she twists the meaning that husbands are the head of their wives to make it null and void and never once mentions that wives are to live in submission to their husbands. Mary actually sounds more like a feminist in this article than a woman who is teaching biblical womanhood.

Many people, especially feminists and Mary, hate the term patriarch and patriarchy. Feminists are the ones who have made people view these terms negatively. They believe it to be the subjugation and oppression of women (misogyny, as they call it). They believe that as long as men are the ones in authority, women will be oppressed. This is simply not true. We are given no indication that the wives who were married to the actual patriarchs themselves (Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob) were oppressed in any way.

What about in America’s past? Were women as a whole oppressed? Not from what I have read or seen. Even in Little House on the Prairie days when men were the leaders in everything, women were free to do many things as you can clearly read in the writings of Laura Ingalls. Women were far from being slaves. True oppression is what the actual slaves in America experienced. Not being able to vote isn’t oppression. (And no, feminism didn’t help women own property.)

From the article: “Men have a responsibility to exercise headship in their homes and church family, and Christ revolutionized the definition of what that means. Authority is not the right to rule—-it’s the responsibility to serve.” Yes, Christ taught us that the greatest of all is the servant of all but He didn’t take the authority away from men to rule in their homes or in the churches. The Apostle Paul still clearly taught us that men are to the be heads of their wives and the elders are the leaders of the churches. Husbands and elders still have the right to rule as Christ rules His Church.

I think this is why some have a problem with the term “servant leadership” that is so popular today. It assumes that the leaders are only to serve not to rule as Mary stated. That’s silly! It’s like saying parents are only to serve their children not to rule or that employers are only to serve their employees not to rule. You see, women, many women today have great trouble with any authority in their lives. They don’t want anyone to tell them what to do. Actually, most of us are this way. We want to do our own thing, but God set up authority structures for our good.

If husbands’ role is to simply be servant leaders as defined by this article, then there would have been no need for multiple commands for wives to submit to their husbands and even be obedient to them as Sarah was obedient to Abraham. If one is submitting and obeying the other, the other one is leading and making the decisions – ruling. Yes, this disgusts many women today but it shouldn’t disgust women who love the Lord and His ways.

The commands for husbands on how they are to treat their wives are that they are to love their wives. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t to rule over them (make the decisions and lead the home in the way they decide). Yes, godly men should rule lovingly over their wives (but it doesn’t mean that godly wives get to decide what this looks like) and many women aren’t married to godly men. How does God tells these wives to win their husbands? By living in subjection to them (1 Peter 3:1). In other words, obey them, do what they say and let their husbands rule their homes.

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1 Peter 3:1, 2

Here is a response by Mary Kassian to this post.

37 thoughts on “He is the Patriarch of His Home

  1. “Not being able to vote isn’t oppression.”

    Yes, this! Amen 1,000 times!! Just look at how much larger, powerful, and more expensive government has become since women were given suffrage.

    Even right now, the impeachment madness is being furthered by a woman sitting on the articles and refusing to deliver them to the Senate. It’s a display of childishness and a lust for power.

      1. Ironic isn’t it that most women were wise enough to understand the damage which would follow from female suffrage.

        The suffragette movement was the first manifestation of the evils of the feminist movement.

      2. I agree with you both as well! I commented last year in the post Lori referenced above. I am a registered voter, but only because when my husband and I go to vote he comes in the voting area with me and instructs me exactly who and what to vote for. He knows what is best for our family and I feel I am just strengthening his vote. I honestly feel that women do not need to be voting, but I have never been interested in politics and my husband teaches me exactly what I need to know in that area and does not want me involved in those kind of discussions.

        1. Summer – I do the same for the same reasons. But it would be far better that the head of the family be enfranchised to represent all the adults under his authority.

          1. Hi Susanne – You are exactly right! I would much rather my husband’s vote be able to represent us both and I would not even have to involve myself in voting at all. I have no interest in politics, however I do always submit to his authority without question as he always knows what is best for our family. He is always so sweet to explain to me why he wants us voting for someone or something, and since I am completely obedient to him I try my best to understand and be interested but most of the time it goes right over my head!

  2. Good misunderstood topic. God established headship before the Fall, the only issue is now wives want to rule over their husbands. The bible is clear but too many people listen to society and they are like it can’t mean this or this is outdated. Wives can absolutely voice their opinions and any good husband would consider what his wife says. The issue is when a wife is always questioning her husband, no one likes a contentious wife. At the end of the day when a husband has made a decision a wife should follow.

    1. What makes a husband a good one is not determined by whether he listens to his wife. What if his wife is a fool? A good husband is one who leads well in the ways of God, not one who listens to his wife. Too many wives are foolish idiots!

      1. Not take direction from his wife we all know what happen with eve and how women are more easily deceived. Just saying the wife should be heard and her best interest should be considered.

  3. I agree with this post 100% and I’m trying really hard to allow my husband to lead our family, but sometimes it’s a real struggle for me. I am a very anxious person and I find myself really wanting to control situations when they frighten me and I’m afraid my husband won’t handle them “the right way”. I have committed to doing better and I have been, but these past couple of months have been hard. My mom is elderly and in very poor health and my family is counting on me to stay with her during the day when she comes home from the hospital. The problem is we live quite a distance away and this will require my husband (who is gone for work from 6:00 in the morning until 7:00 at night) to leave early to drop me and my sons off and our house (and pets) will be empty all these hours everyday. He won’t agree to this, though he has offered for my mom to move in here for as long as she needs to and to hire someone to help me if needed. He is adamant that I not stay with her because he’s afraid we will be robbed or our pets will damage the home while we’re away. But my mom really wants to go to her own home and the rest of my family do not want her to come here. I don’t think he understands the position he’s putting me in with my family, I feel like I’m letting my mom down horribly. I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to obey in all things, but when something like this comes up I feel pulled in two different directions. I don’t want to be filled with regret for not helping my mom if something happens to her. Any guidance would be appreciated.

      1. That is definitely a part of it, he said he knows I won’t say no and I’ll end up doing everything while most of them go about their normal lives. He even told me to tell them it was him, not me, making the decision and offered to talk to them for me. I am just very uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing them, I don’t know why. Even though I have my own family now and don’t associate with them very much, I still feel like I answer to them on some level.

    1. I have been a a very similar situation as you. I’m the only girl in a family of many boys and everything falls to me. My dad was very sick and in the hospital for awhile. When he was scheduled to be released, I think everyone assumed that I would go stay with him every day for the rest of my life if need be. My husband stepped up and told them that I already have a job (taking care of OUR family) and that I could stay with him while he’s at work during the day for two weeks and after that if he couldn’t stay by himself, other arrangements would need to be made.

      My husband wasn’t being harsh or mean, he was protecting me. You see, he knows that I can’t stand for people to be upset with me and he also knows that I let people take advantage of me and he stepped in and prevented it from even happening. He knew that I would wear myself out between trying to take care of our home as well as stay with my dad. He also stepped in and informed everyone that my dad could not move in with us either. Honestly, I’m so glad that he did because I would have stressed myself out so much over everyone’s expectations. It sounds to me like maybe your husband is protecting you as well. Have you thought about how tiring it would be to have to do that every day and maintain your own home and possibly deal with a break in and animals tearing stuff up?

    2. You sound like a very compassionate and conscientious woman, and I know God is using these gifts of yours to bless your husband!

      Because my wife is like this, she struggles in a few common (and obvious) areas, mostly *codependency*. She cannot say NO to her family, for fear of conflict or hurting their feelings.

      (To be fair, I struggle with the other side of the codependent coin, namely being domineering and angry)

      I would talk to the Lord about why YOU have to be the one to care for your mother. Where is the rest of the family? Just because you are closest geographically doesn’t mean that you must do what they all expect of you.

      Your husband may be wrong, but God isn’t. He commands us to honor our parents, and for you to obey your husband. I promise you in Christ that if you trust in God, in his word, in his promises, that you will not be disappointed. Speak the word out loud each day that you are trusting God for.

      And don’t be afraid to have potentially disappointing conversations with your family of origin. Something about your fear of permanent regret really spoke to me as a symptom of what I described above.

      Be blessed!

  4. Thanks for the reply Lori. You’re right and I will obey him in this. I think I hesitate because while many in my family are Christians, my decision to allow my husband to lead me is looked at with disdain. They believe women should let their husbands lead up to a point, but when it makes things uncomfortable it’s time to take the reigns back. I also lived this way for many years. They treat me as though he is abusive because he has firm opinions and is definitely a command man. He is not abusive at all, but when something like this comes up they seem to believe that the reason I’m agreeing to what he wants instead of what they want is because I somehow fear him, which is not the case at all.

    1. That is crazy, submission doesn’t really become submission until you have to yield/defer to the will of your husband. When disagreements come up that is when submission really comes to play. Leading up to a point is not biblical, the bible says submit in everything or unto the Lord which means submitting in everything as you would to the Lord. So all but sinful stuff of course.

  5. I agree with this post 100% and I’m trying really hard to allow my husband to lead our family, but sometimes it’s a real struggle for me.

    First, r27, this isn’t yours to allow. Secondly, and related, your husband’s responsibility is not to lead, as a servant or otherwise, but to manage. Yours, however, is to follow.

    1. I guess it depends upon what version of the Bible one uses. When speaking about the qualifications of an elder/bishop, this is what the KJV states: “One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity” (1 Tim. 3:4).

  6. Hi, Lori! I love catching up on your blog now and then, and it always inspires me to be a better wife!
    I’m wondering it you have heard about Owen Benjamin? He was a well-known Hollywood comedian who lived the sinful lifestyle that comes with such fame, but now he has left all that and is an outspoken Christian! He’s married to a submissive helpmeet, and they have two sons and another baby on the way. He does a livestream almost daily, and my husband and I are very encouraged to hear him instruct men to marry, lead their wives, and get them pregnant, and women to be submissive and stay home with their children. Many here might not enjoy listening to him because he still has a dirty mouth much of the time (my husband limits me listening because of this), but God is definitely growing him rapidly and using him to lead people to Christ and turn their hearts to their families. Thousands of people watch his livestreams. I’m going to write to him about you so he can direct young wives to a wise older woman they can learn from!

  7. Lori, good post. Complementarianism is a system created by men & women. Patriarchy is the system created by God as a result of the Fall. The consequence of Adam not protecting Eve in one instance resulted in men having to protect women for the rest of history. It’s as much a curse on men as it is on women. Many men would like to be free from the responsibilities of patriarchy, which is how the enemy got them to abdicate their responsibility and rebel against god by going along with feminism and complementarianism.

  8. Thank you, Lori, for standing up for the Truth — for encouraging women (young and old) to stand up for the Truth.

    “One generation shall praise Your works to another, And shall declare Your mighty acts.” (Psalm 145:4)

    Merry Christmas to you and your family.

  9. Inre voting, universal suffrage is one of humanity’s worst ideas ever. Here in America the Founders knew EXACTLY what they were doing when they limited the franchise to property-owning males over the age of 21.

    Note that this limitation excluded many (the majority of?) MEN from voting, as well as all women. Their motivation, which has been clearly vindicated by history, was the knowledge that only those with the most responsibility to bear for the nation’s –and thus liberty’s
    –wellbeing and sustainment were those who worked hardest to ensure its birth and thus had the most to lose. This pertains to the fact that the United States was founded as a republic – NOT a democracy (i.e., mob rule, where a majority, however slight, that cares nothing for the rule of law or the rights of others can impose its will BY FORCE on the minority, which, as we are now seeing unfold before our very eyes, involves stripping said minority of rights, property, and equal protection under the law). Once “the proles” (i.e., the masses who have no real stake in the system) realized that they could vote themselves entitlement to the property of others while robbing them of their rights and due process, all bets were off.

    We are now on the cusp of civil war here in America, thanks in no small part to the imposition of universal suffrage. Since a return to the sanity of the past is all but impossible under current conditions, the only future that appears likely is the breakup of the United States. Should God choose to bless a remnant of what once was America, it could only survive through restoration of biblical patriarchy.

  10. What do you have to say about the verse “submit to one another because of your reverence to Christ”?

    This implies that the husband is to submit to the wife as well.

    I don’t mean to argue that the husband is to have headship. This is a clear biblical principle. But this verse in Ephesians does indeed challenge your view that wives are to be in complete and utter obedience with no say at all in the means of her own life or household.

    1. This is referring to the church body. There are multiple verses that command wives to submit to and even obey their husbands as he is head over the wife but you won’t find even one that commands a husband to submit to his wife.

      1. Yeah that verse is talking to believers in general not in the marriage covenant. Husbands should love their wives for sure and wash them clean with the word of God but mutual submission in marriage is a pure result of the feminist movement.

  11. It is encouraging to see that there is a VERY SMALL group of women that still obey God’s word. As a 58yr old widower, it gives me hope that there is one out there for me.

    What I see among BOTH Christian and unsaved women is that there are 2 groups they put men into.

    I will obey:

    My boss says I have to…
    My doctor says I have to…
    The policeman says I have to…
    The government says I have to…

    I will not obey:

    Jesus saved me, but who is He to think He has a say in my life in everything I do. Stay out of my life and I will call you when I need you Jesus…

    Who does my husband think he is, trying to tell me what to do. He is not my boss (sound familiar). If my husband keeps it up, I will be calling my lawyer and a cop…

    1. Oh i see this in churchian churches right now on a daily basis. I just escaped a fully sjw.feminist converged church and i was churchless for more than 5 years. I am a widower myself and have only recently been awakened to the kind of woman I should be looking for. She’s out there…I’ve seen her in my dreams…now I have to wait/find her…in prayers daily for her..:)

      1. Andromeda

        I just saw your post, so sorry for a delay in responding.

        I am in south central Pennsylvania. Are you near there? I would find it very hard to travel, having a job, raising children and running a small homestead.

        I have 3 children under the age of 18. I married late wife when I was 40.

        I run a small wannabe homestead / hobby farm. I garden, preserve my own food by canning and dehydrating; and I raise some chickens and pigs to use for my own food.

        If you are interested in talking, maybe Mrs Lori could pass your email to me if you asked her to.

  12. It IS a struggle for women to follow the lead of their Husband or ANY man. this is clearly stated in Genesis after the fall. Genesis 3:16:
    Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

    of course in our sinful nature it is our nature to rebel..so the man has to work hard to provide…many do not wish to in many ways…and the woman although she desires a man to rule her…her own rebellion makes her do the opposite(hence feminism). It’s a struggle on both sides and the church has become greatly weakened by it form both men and women.

  13. Thank you, Lori, for this very this informative post. I had come across the name Mary Kassian a few years back. I was following a blog that supported complementarianism vs egalitarianism. Well, I was confused on what both terms actually meant, did some research and found Mary. I could never completely justify either position and thought it was because I wasn’t schooled enough in the Scripture. There are also a lot of -isms that I’m not familiar with, so I readily admit my ignorance in this area.

    This post though, on patriarchy completely makes sense to me. This is what my husband and I are! Light bulb going on! He always teaches at our church about elders ruling well are worthy of double honor, and also in our marriage, how he rules over me. This is not a harsh rule or unfair to me and the family. He loves us very much and takes his role of husband and father very seriously. It’s protective and for me, it’s a comfort to know that he is looking out for my best welfare. His strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. In that sense, we do complement each other as God intends each married couple to grow together as one flesh. So very happy to learn I’m neither a complementarian or an egalitarian but patriarchal! 😊

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